Tuesday, August 31, 2010

McCourt-Room Battle
L.A. Dodgers owner Frank McCourt is now battling his estranged wife Jamie in divorce court. Making matters worse is the fact that as Dodgers fans, both McCourts insist on leaving the courthouse an hour before the hearings are actually over.

Obama Speech
During an Oval Office address tonight, President Obama will announce the withdrawal of all U.S. combat troops from Iraq. Americans are set to celebrate in hopes that one of those returning troops has a clue on how to fix the economy.

Terror Arrests
Two Arab men from the Detroit area were arrested in Amsterdam in what looks like a "test run" for a future terror attack. The New York Times and MSNBC are expected to report on this story just as soon as they're finished discussing the real threats from Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin.

Grades for Cars
The EPA is planning to put letter grades on all new cars based on fuel efficiency. It's not clear what the government will do with all the GM cars that are going to be left back.

Concussion Spike
A new report shows a rise in concussions for college football players... which explains why so many of them are still willing to play for Lane Kiffin.

August 31st

1218: Al-Kamil becomes Sultan of Egypt, Syria, and manager of the East Toledo 7-11.

1980: Zimbabwe establishes diplomatic relations with Algeria. But today, they’re not even friends on Facebook.

Diana, Princess of Wales, her companion Dodi Al-Fayed and driver Henri Paul die in a car crash in Paris. Her former sister-in-law, Sarah Ferguson, rushes to scene in hopes of devouring the corpses.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Paris Not Scared
Paris Hilton insists she's not stressed after police found cocaine in her purse. She told the newsmedia she's not worried because the cops didn't find the 3 kilos in her other purse!

Poor America
One in six Americans are now receiving some kind of anti-poverty assistance. Luckily, the rest of America is too busy finishing their fantasy football drafts to apply for welfare.

Tattoo Danger
A new study shows people with tattoos are three times more likely to die of liver disease... so the rest of us have that to look forward too.

Katrina Pledge
President Obama has vowed to keep helping Hurricane Katrina victims until they recover or he can't get away with continuing to blame President Bush... whichever comes first.

Unions Blast Newspaper
Teachers unions are blasting the L.A. Times for publishing teacher effectiveness rankings. They say the Times didn't consider other important factors, like the fact that their dogs ate their homework.

August 30th

1574: Guru Ram Das became the Fourth Sikh Guru/Master. But he still gets stuffed in his locker by the big kids in high school the next day.

1791: The HMS Pandora sinks after running aground, severely disappointing passengers who had lined up for the midnight buffet.

1963: The Hotline between U.S. and the Soviet Union goes into operation... pranksters in the White House immediately call the Russians to warn them that their “refrigerator is running.”

August 29th

1758: The first American Indian Reservation is established in New Jersey. It is led by Chief Mall Rat.

1825: Portugal recognizes the Independence of Brazil… mostly while staring at women in thongs.

2007: Six U.S. cruise missiles armed with nuclear warheads are flown without proper authorization from Minot Air Force Base to Barksdale Air Force Base. When they are returned, the missiles are grounded for a month with no dessert.

August 28th

1845: The first issue of Scientific American magazine is published. It remains the best way to identify nerds until Star Trek premiers in 1966.

1931: France and the Soviet Union sign a treaty of non-aggression… and non-bathing.

1986: United States Navy officer Jerry A. Whitworth is sentenced to 365 years imprisonment for spying for the Soviet Union… but with good behavior, he can be out in 330 years.

Friday, August 27, 2010

UNC Probe
The NCAA is expanding its probe of the North Carolina football program to consider allegations that players cheated in their classes. That probe will begin as soon as they can find some players who actually went to class.

Carter Korea
Former President Jimmy Carter has secured the release of an imprisoned U.S. man in North Korea. The man agreed to return to. America only after Carter promised to never run for office ever again.

California Broke
A new report shows that a stunning 80 cents of every government dollar spent in California goes to state employee salaries, benefits and pensions. The other 20 cents goes to protecting the public from Lindsay Lohan.

Blockbuster Broke
Blockbuster video is preparing to file for bankruptcy. To add insult to injury, the bankruptcy judge is asking Blockbuster to just put its arguments up on YouTube and Netflix.

Boeing is delaying delivery of its 787 Dreamliner once again. 10 or 11 more delays and making this jet will be just like trying to fly out of LaGuardia on a Monday morning.

August 27th

1916: Romania declares war against Austria-Hungary, but makes peace with the hyphen.

1991: The European Community recognizes Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania as independent states, and as those guys who wore too much cologne at the Hamburg disco.

2003: Mars makes its closest approach to Earth in nearly 60,000 years, thanks mostly to an international showering and tooth brushing campaign

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Obamacare Campaign
The White House is pushing a new multi-million dollar ad campaign to defend the new health care law. The first commercial titled, "hey, everyone's gonna die anyway, is set to air next week.

Intel CEO Warning
Intel CEO Paul Otellini is blasting President Obama, saying that in this environment it's not likely the "next big thing" will even be made in America. Of course, we're not even sure President Obama was made in America.

Hogan Stuck at Home
Australia is not letting "Crocodile Dundee" actor Paul Hogan leave the country because of a tax case against him. Hogan's lawyers are expected to argue that he should be allowed to leave the country based on his lack of talent.

Mayan Mysteries
Archaeologists are finding new clues why the Maya left Mexico. So far, it looks like they were drawn away by $6/hour dishwashing jobs in El Paso.

Mehlman Comes Out
Former GOP chairman Ken Mehlman has come out as a gay man. This is only slightly less damaging to the Republicans than Barney Frank's revelation that he's NOT gay would be to the Democrats.

August 26th

1862: The Second Battle of Bull Run begins, but like most sequels it doesn’t do quite as well at the box office.

1971: The United States Congress declares August 26th as an annual Women's Equality Day. Since then, every Member of Congress has set aside this day to finish paying for the abortions for all the female interns they’ve knocked up in the past year.

1978: Sigmund Jähn becomes first German cosmonaut on board of the Soyuz 31 spacecraft. He immediately makes his mark aboard the ship by setting up a desk and a more orderly filing system.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Ireland Debt Downgrade
More bad economic news for Europe: S&P has just downgraded Ireland's national debt from AA status to 180 proof.

Paris Hilton Stalker
Police arrested a man armed with several knives outside of Paris Hilton's house last night. They quickly brought him back to the scene and supplied him with a gun and a rocket launcher.

18-Game NFL Season?
NFL owners are debating whether to expand the regular season to 18 games. The shorter offseason should cut down on the chances for players to commit serious felonies.

Credit Card Debt Shrinks
U.S. credit card debt is the lowest it's been in eight years. Most Americans are using their cards to break back into their foreclosed homes.

Heart's New Album
Heart frontwomen Ann and Nancy Wilson are out with a new album. But it's not clear if fans will embrace an entire CD about stretch pants and spider veins.

August 25

1580: In the Battle of Alcântara, Spain defeats Portugal… but since this was a European war, it was decided on penalty kicks.

1916: The United States National Park Service is created… mostly as a sanctuary for illicit sexual activity and other miscreants.

1980: Zimbabwe joins the United Nations after finally falling into deep enough of a moral decay to qualify.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

August 19

43 BC: Octavian compels the Roman Senate to elect him Consul… mostly by friending them on Roman Facebook.

1862: During an uprising in Minnesota, Lakota warriors decide not to attack heavily-defended Fort Ridgely. Instead, they just plot to take all their money at a cheesy Indian Casino a mile off-base.

1999: Tens of thousands of Serbians rally to demand the resignation of Federal Republic of Yugoslavia President Slobodan Milošević because of massive war crimes… but since he hadn’t has sex with an intern, the story is not covered in the U.S. news media.

August 20

1775: The Spanish establish a presidio (fort) in Arizona… ironically, its purpose is to check the I.D.’s of all non-Spanish speakers.

1998: The Supreme Court of Canada rules that Quebec cannot legally secede from Canada without at least leaving behind the recipe for Chicken Cordon Bleu.

2002: A group of Iraqis opposed to the regime of Saddam Hussein take over the Iraqi Embassy in Berlin before surrendering to the night janitor.

August 21

1810: Jean-Baptiste Bernadotte, Marshal of France, is elected Crown Prince of Sweden, just to get him the Hell out of everyone’s hair.

1878: The American Bar Association is founded, finally creating an organization with fewer morals than the KKK.

1911: The Mona Lisa is stolen by a Louvre employee. He is later arrested and jailed, but this being France, he still collects his public employee pension.

August 22

1654: Jacob Barsimson arrives in New Amsterdam, becoming the first known Jewish immigrant to America. The first unknown Jewish immigrants must have been the ones who set up the first decent American bagel shop in 1643.

1902: Theodore Roosevelt becomes the first President of the United States to ride in an automobile. 60 years later John F. Kennedy becomes the first President of the United States to have sex in an automobile.

1932: Employees at the BBC first experiment with television broadcasting… 78 years late, they still suck at it.

August 23

1904: The automobile tire chain is patented and immediately used to bludgeon a mob witness in Brooklyn Federal Court.

1966: Lunar Orbiter 1 takes the first photograph of Earth from orbit around the Moon… embarrassing the Earth because it was naked at the time.

1990: West Germany and East Germany announce that they will unite on October 3…. Just as soon as the invitations go out and West Germany finds the right dress.

August 24

1456: The printing of the Gutenberg Bible is completed... it took months of back-breaking work. Now we complain when it takes 5 seconds for the Bible to download on our iPad.

1608: The first official English representative to India lands in Surat... only to find he'd already been outsourced.

1954: The American Communist Party is outlawed. It's members continue their activities as leaders of the UAW.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Teens and Sex
A new study shows that teens who have sex do just as well in school as those who don't. The study also shows that the teens doing the best in school are the ones having sex with their teachers.

Blagojevich Mistrial
After a massive investigation and more than a year of prosecution, a federal jury only found former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich guilty of one count... and that was for abusing haircare products.

Teen Hearing Loss
A new study shows that hearing loss in teenagers is up 31%. Of course that doesn't matter, since teenagers don't listen to anyone anyway.

Dogs in Cars
A new report from AAA says unrestrained dogs in cars pose a serious threat to the driver and other passengers. The report also says that unrestrained dogs behind the wheel pose an even more serious threat to cats.

Outsourcing Change
A new report shows that the cost of hiring call center workers in the U.S. is now the same as doing it in India. This means if we all really work hard in America, soon we'll be able to get jobs making counterfeit wallets and purses.

August 18th

293 BC: The oldest known Roman temple to Venus is founded. The Vestal Virgins abstinence program is launched the next day.

1941: Adolf Hitler orders a temporary halt to Nazi Germany's systematic euthanasia of the mentally ill in order to save his allies working at the New York Times.

1963: James Meredith becomes the first black person to graduate from the University of Mississippi… there’s no word yet on when the first white person will graduate.

China Denial
China says baby formula made in its factories is not responsible for early puberty in girls... which is too bad because China would really like to get its girls working full time before age six.

Spielberg Loves Obama
Steven Spielberg helped co-host a Democratic fundraiser starring President Obama in Hollywood last night. Apparently, Spielberg is hoping Obama and his fellow Democrats give him enough material to make a sequel to "Schindler's List."

BP Spill
Researchers say 75% of the BP oil is still somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico. The other 25% is in Charlie Rangel's hair.

Strike Called Off
A nationwide airline strike in Britain has been called off. Flight workers have decided that instead of walking the picket line, they can always just jump out of the escape chute if they get frustrated during the flight.

Reid on GZM
Nevada Senator Harry Reid has broken with President Obama and supports moving the Ground Zero Mosque to another neighborhood. Of course, Reid also supports putting slots and craps tables at St. Patrick's Cathedral.

August 17th

1807: Robert Fulton's first American steamboat leaves New York City for Albany, New York on the Hudson River, inaugurating the first commercial steamboat service in the world… and the last time anyone was excited about going to Albany.

1953: The first meeting of Narcotics Anonymous takes place in Southern California. Now the entire state is a never-ending Narcotics Anonymous meeting.

2005: Over 500 bombs are set off by terrorists at 300 locations in Bangladesh… actually leaving Bangladesh looking better than it did before the bombings.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Chance Meeting
A pod of porpoises swam up to the Obama family as they vacationed on the Gulf Coast Saturday. But the splendor of the moment was ruined when it turned out the porpoises were on their way to the unemployment line.

Obama Backtracks
President Obama now says he only supports the "idea" of a Mosque at Ground Zero and does not necessarily think it's exactly a good idea. Kind of like how the voters supported Obama in 2008... and now realize it wasn't exactly a good idea.

Boycott the Times?
Leaders of the Los Angeles teachers union want to boycott the L.A. Times because they say the paper is publishing misleading information about them. The good news is, the way they teach, the union members don't have to worry about their students ever being able to read the paper anyway.

Haden on Kiffin
USC athletic director Pat Haden says he expects head football coach Lane Kiffin to win within the rules... as soon as Kiffin learns what the rules are.

Harvard Dumps Israel
Harvard has divested all its holdings in Israeli companies... which is an uncontroversial move since, y'know, there are no Jews at Harvard.

August 16th

1812: American General William Hull surrenders Fort Detroit without a fight to the British Army. You’d think that Detroit would have gotten the message by that, but it’s still hanging around as an American city.

1962: Pete Best is replaced by Ringo Starr as the drummer for The Beatles. Sadly, if he could have held on just three more years, the rest of the band would have been too stoned to notice he sucked.

1945: An assassination attempt is made on Japan's prime minister, Kantaro Suzuki. He retaliates by making a series of cheap motorcycles.