Thursday, August 19, 2010

August 19

43 BC: Octavian compels the Roman Senate to elect him Consul… mostly by friending them on Roman Facebook.

1862: During an uprising in Minnesota, Lakota warriors decide not to attack heavily-defended Fort Ridgely. Instead, they just plot to take all their money at a cheesy Indian Casino a mile off-base.

1999: Tens of thousands of Serbians rally to demand the resignation of Federal Republic of Yugoslavia President Slobodan Milošević because of massive war crimes… but since he hadn’t has sex with an intern, the story is not covered in the U.S. news media.

August 20

1775: The Spanish establish a presidio (fort) in Arizona… ironically, its purpose is to check the I.D.’s of all non-Spanish speakers.

1998: The Supreme Court of Canada rules that Quebec cannot legally secede from Canada without at least leaving behind the recipe for Chicken Cordon Bleu.

2002: A group of Iraqis opposed to the regime of Saddam Hussein take over the Iraqi Embassy in Berlin before surrendering to the night janitor.

August 21

1810: Jean-Baptiste Bernadotte, Marshal of France, is elected Crown Prince of Sweden, just to get him the Hell out of everyone’s hair.

1878: The American Bar Association is founded, finally creating an organization with fewer morals than the KKK.

1911: The Mona Lisa is stolen by a Louvre employee. He is later arrested and jailed, but this being France, he still collects his public employee pension.

August 22

1654: Jacob Barsimson arrives in New Amsterdam, becoming the first known Jewish immigrant to America. The first unknown Jewish immigrants must have been the ones who set up the first decent American bagel shop in 1643.

1902: Theodore Roosevelt becomes the first President of the United States to ride in an automobile. 60 years later John F. Kennedy becomes the first President of the United States to have sex in an automobile.

1932: Employees at the BBC first experiment with television broadcasting… 78 years late, they still suck at it.

August 23

1904: The automobile tire chain is patented and immediately used to bludgeon a mob witness in Brooklyn Federal Court.

1966: Lunar Orbiter 1 takes the first photograph of Earth from orbit around the Moon… embarrassing the Earth because it was naked at the time.

1990: West Germany and East Germany announce that they will unite on October 3…. Just as soon as the invitations go out and West Germany finds the right dress.

August 24

1456: The printing of the Gutenberg Bible is completed... it took months of back-breaking work. Now we complain when it takes 5 seconds for the Bible to download on our iPad.

1608: The first official English representative to India lands in Surat... only to find he'd already been outsourced.

1954: The American Communist Party is outlawed. It's members continue their activities as leaders of the UAW.


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