Thursday, March 31, 2011

Cruise Out of Control
The U.N. admits it lost $600,000 after renting a cruise ship for staffers responding to last year's quake in Haiti. The ship actually only cost $100,000, the other $500,000 was lost in a high-stakes shuffleboard tournament.

Mets Get Ready
Most Mets fans would be excited about Opening Day today, but the team was eliminated from the postseason late last night.

Pension Problem
The California teachers pension fund is now $56 Billion in the red. As a result, tater tots at high school cafeterias now cost $76.

Toyota Price Hikes
Toyota is raising prices on almost all its cars... especially the ones that aren't radioactive.

Tax Poll
A new poll shows that 78% of Californians support a 1% increase in state income taxes for people making $500K or more per year. It's not clear if the three people who still make that kind of money in California will go along that.

April 1st

286: Emperor Diocletian elevates his general Maximian to co-emperor with the rank of Augustus and gives him control over the Western regions of the Roman Empire... he even agrees to validate his parking.

1947: Paul becomes king of Greece, but he still doesn't get a last name.

1997: Comet Hale-Bopp is seen passing over perihelion... but only by the geeks in the astronomy club.

March 31st

1492: Queen Isabella issues the Alhambra decree, ordering her 150,000 Jewish subjects to convert to Christianity, face expulsion, or buy retail.

1958: In the Canadian federal election, the Progressive Conservatives, win 208 seats out of 265 in the parliament. But the other 57 guys got whatever they wanted because they had control of the puck and the beer.

1970: Explorer 1 re-enters the Earth's atmosphere after 12 years in orbit… and boy did it need to use the bathroom!

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Government Gas Guzzlers
A new study shows that federal government vehicles guzzled more gas last year than the previous 5 years... and since these were cars driven by government workers, they burned that gas mostly spining their wheels.

BP Problems
Managers at BP could now face manslaughter charges... although it's not clear whether it's because of the big oil spill or because higher gas prices are really killing everyone right now.

Assad "Conspiracy"
Syrian president Bashar al Assad says his country is the victim of a "worldwide conspiracy." Looks like MSNBC has its replacement for Keith Olbermann!

Dean's Plan
Howard Dean says the Democrats are quietly rooting for a government shutdown. The rest of the country is loudly rooting for a shutdown of Howard Dean.

Obama on Oil
In a major energy policy speech today, President Obama will say he supports more off shore drilling... mostly so he can sue the oil companies when they have accidents.

March 30th

1842: Anesthesia is used for the first time… with the exception of all the times somebody had to read Beowulf.

1863: Danish prince Wilhelm Georg is chosen as King George of Greece… because Greece and Denmark are so naturally alike.

1961: The Single Convention on Narcotic Drugs is signed at New York, thus ending that state’s drug problems forever.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Google vs. iTunes
Google is close to unveiling a music downloading service to rival iTunes. It's a special system where you first go to Google and then type in a search for iTunes.

Disabled America
Under new federal rules, it turns out most Americans can now define themselves as "disabled." That includes people who have arthritis, hemmorrhoids, and watch any one of the "Real Housewives."

Mega Winners
The one winning ticket in the $319 Mega Millions jackpot was held by seven employees at the New York State Housing Authority... which means all seven of the winners plan to continue not working.

Blind Eyes
Last night, President Obama told the nation that he cannot turn a blind eye to atrocities in other countries... especially because he wants to continue to ignore atrocities in this country.

Michigan Unemployment
Michigan's Governor has signed a bill reducing unemployment benefits from 26 to 20 weeks. Of course, the new law is irrelevant since most people in Michigan have been out of work for 266 weeks.

March 29th

1799: New York passes a law aimed at gradually abolishing slavery in the state. It is now in effect for everyone except the people forced to drive on the L.I.E.

1961: The 23rd Amendment to the Constitution is ratified, allowing residents of Washington, D.C., to vote in presidential elections… if they can survive the hail of bullets before getting to the polls that is.

2004: The Republic of Ireland bans smoking in all bars. Which is why no one in Ireland has ever smoked again.

Friday, March 25, 2011

VCU Final Four
The VCU Rams have shocked the world by making it into the Final Four. It would only be more shocking if those players made it into class.

Cobra Danger
A deadly cobra is on the loose at the Bronx Zoo. Officials say they need to find the snake before it O.D.'s on overpriced frozen slushees at the food court.

Kodak Case
Kodak wants Apple and BlackBerry to pay it $1 billion for infringing on its photo patents. Apple and BlackBerry say they'll pay the money as soon as they can find somebody who still works at Kodak.

Gibbs at Facebook?
Facebook may hire former Obama spokesman Robert Gibbs... mostly to test-run it's new "dislike" option.

Locked in a Closet
A reporter was forced to stay in locked storage closet at a Democratic fundraiser this weekend featuring Vice President Joe Biden. Usually it's only Republicans who make people stay in the closet.

March 28th

1871: The Paris Commune is formally established in Paris. Unfortunately, deodorant wouldn’t be invented for another 15 years.

1910: Henri Fabre becomes the first person to fly a seaplane… helping the second person to fly by seaplane to realize he ought to bring a barf bag.

1939: Generalissimo Francisco Franco conquers Madrid… rest of the nation continues to nap.

March 27th

1886: Famous Apache warrior, Geronimo, surrenders to the U.S. Army, in return for a set of slot machines and tax-free cigarettes.

1990: The United States begins broadcasting TV Martí to Cuba in an effort to bridge political gaps and find a decent utility infielder for the Mets.

1998: The Food and Drug Administration approves Viagra for use as a treatment for male impotence, and the lack of non-beer company sponsors for the NFL.

March 26th

1999: The "Melissa worm" infects Microsoft word processing and e-mail systems… so instead of crashing 15 times per day, they crashed 16 times a day.

1999: A jury in Michigan finds Dr. Jack Kevorkian guilty of second-degree murder for administering a lethal injection to someone who wasn’t actually a Detroit Lions fan and might have wanted to live.

2006: The military junta ruling Burma officially names Naypyidaw as the new capital and a weapon of mass destruction against TelePrompTer-reading TV anchors all across America.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

GE Taxes
GE paid almost no federal taxes for 2010... which makes sense since they didn't contribute anything with their products either.

Postal Cuts
The U.S. Postal Service is cutting 7,500 management jobs... and boy will those managers be mad when they get their pink slips in the mail, like in 6-to-8 weeks... if they're lucky.

No Inflation?
The New York Times editorial page says there is no real inflation in America. In an unrelated story, the New York Times is raising prices for its print and online editions.

Target Suit
Target is suing a gay rights group that it says was harassing its customers... mostly because they were buying polyester.

UAW Riot
The UAW sent about 100 members into a Detroit branch of B of A yesterday and shut it down for 30 minutes. Usually, UAW workers only kill productivity at their own plants.

March 25th

1821: Greece revolts against the Ottoman Empire by refusing free refills for any Turks at every diner in the tri-state area.

1918: The Belarusian People's Republic is established and immediately declares war on the People’s Republic of Belarus.

1975: Faisal of Saudi Arabia is shot and killed by a mentally ill nephew who was driven crazy by higher gas prices.

Hard Cash
Gold and silver coins are now legal tender in Utah... and those gold-colored coins with chocolate inside are worth even more!

Asleep in the Tower
The sole tower controller at Reagan National Airport fell asleep late Monday night, sending two incoming flight scrambling for directions. Unfortunately, the same guy is also in charge of our strategy in Libya.

B of A No Way
The Fed is refusing to allow Bank of America to increase its dividend for shareholders. The government needs that money to keep paying bonuses to UAW workers at GM.

Gold Soars
Gold prices are at an all-time high... which means the area aroung Mr. T's neck is now worth more most of Europe.

Chicago Deficit
Chicago public schools are now expected to have a $720 million deficit next year alone. It's getting so bad, the high school drug dealers aren't even making a profit anymore.

March 24th

1832: In Hiram, Ohio a group of men beat, tar and feather Mormon leader Joseph Smith, Jr. Their descendants are now all writers on HBO’s “Big Love.”

1837: Canada gives African Canadian men the right to vote… and yet after all these years, they still aren’t the least bit interested in hockey.

1900: New York Mayor Robert Anderson Van Wyck breaks ground for a new underground "Rapid Transit Railroad" that would link Manhattan and Brooklyn and serve as a wildlife preserve for large sewer rats.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Life on Mars?
Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez says capitalism may have killed off all life on Mars. Most Venezuelans would like to send Chavez to Mars to make sure.

Wisconsin Deer Dead
A herd of deer has been killed by lightning in Wisconsin. Police believe God mistook the herd for a bunch of nasty union protesters.

Pension Fund Emergency
The Illinois teacher's pension fund is $40 billion underfunded... but no one's worried because Illinois teachers don't really teach math anymore anyway.

Detroit Exodus
Detroit's population has dropped 25% in the last decade. It's not clear whether people left the city because of the economy or because no one could stand to see any more Lions games.

Times Reporter Torture
The four New York Times journalists recently detained in Libya say they were tortured... mostly be being forced to read the Times editorial page.

March 23rd

1775: Patrick Henry delivers his speech – "Give me Liberty, or give me Death!" But the message backfires when most of the assembled crowd starts trying to kill him.

1801: Tsar Paul I of Russia is struck with a sword, then strangled, and finally trampled to death in his bedroom at St. Michael's Castle. Okay, I can see how they may have missed the guy with the sword and the piano wire, but how did security miss the dude with the HORSE sneaking into the Tsar’s bedroom?!?!

1999: Gunmen assassinate Paraguay's Vice President Luis María Argaña… and then vow to kill a person people had actually heard of.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Apple Suit
Apple is suing Amazon for using the term "app store." Next the company is suing the trees in upstate New York for outrageously growing fruit called "Apples."

NFL Realities
Due to the NFL lockout, the players are now having to pay for their own health care. But the owners aren't being totally hard-hearted, they're still providing the players with what they really need... free criminal defense lawyers.

Cap and Trade Ruling
A California superior court judge has put the state's sweeping new greenhouse gas emissions laws on hold. Before the state can curb them, the judge wants to makes sure the emissions are not being discriminated against because they're gay.

U. of I. Increases
The University of Illinois is imposing a 6.9% tuition hike. Luckily, that hike won't go into effect until someone at the school can figure out how to use a calculator... which could take years.

No Drugs for Pets
Drug makers Sanofi and Merck are abandoning plans to market a new line of health care products for pets. The profit potential was huge, but the companies finally learned that animals are lousy at filling out insurance forms.

March 22nd

1621: The Pilgrims of Plymouth Colony sign a peace treaty with Massasoit of the Wampanoags… giving the white men year-round access to low-cost cigarettes and 24-hour slots.

1960: Arthur Leonard Schawlow and Charles Hard Townes receive the first patent for a laser… but neither would live long enough to see their dream of having the laser remove unwanted hair from people’s asses.

1997: The Comet Hale-Bopp has its closest approach to Earth… but it does far less damage than the Hanson song MMMBop.