Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Life on Mars?
Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez says capitalism may have killed off all life on Mars. Most Venezuelans would like to send Chavez to Mars to make sure.

Wisconsin Deer Dead
A herd of deer has been killed by lightning in Wisconsin. Police believe God mistook the herd for a bunch of nasty union protesters.

Pension Fund Emergency
The Illinois teacher's pension fund is $40 billion underfunded... but no one's worried because Illinois teachers don't really teach math anymore anyway.

Detroit Exodus
Detroit's population has dropped 25% in the last decade. It's not clear whether people left the city because of the economy or because no one could stand to see any more Lions games.

Times Reporter Torture
The four New York Times journalists recently detained in Libya say they were tortured... mostly be being forced to read the Times editorial page.

March 23rd

1775: Patrick Henry delivers his speech – "Give me Liberty, or give me Death!" But the message backfires when most of the assembled crowd starts trying to kill him.

1801: Tsar Paul I of Russia is struck with a sword, then strangled, and finally trampled to death in his bedroom at St. Michael's Castle. Okay, I can see how they may have missed the guy with the sword and the piano wire, but how did security miss the dude with the HORSE sneaking into the Tsar’s bedroom?!?!

1999: Gunmen assassinate Paraguay's Vice President Luis María Argaña… and then vow to kill a person people had actually heard of.


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