Thursday, October 30, 2008

Trump Conversion
Ivanka Trump is converting to Judaism so she can marry her Jewish boyfriend. The Donald is already getting the wedding yarmulke woven into his "hair."

Halloween Spending
Despite the recession, consumer spending on Halloween products is at an all-time this year... most people are buying masks so they can continue hiding from the guys trying to reposses their homes.

F-150 Plant Spike
Ford is adding extra shifts at its F-150 truck plant because of increased demand... not because of falling gas prices, but because rising foreclosures are forcing people to live in their trucks.

Phillies Win It!
People in Philadelphia are celebrating their city's first championship since 1983 as the Phillies clinched the World Series last night against Tampa. People in Tampa are celebrating today too... mostly because they don't live in Philadelphia.

Auto Merger
GM and Chrysler are reportedly close to merging. The combined auto company's proposed new slogan is, "GM/Chrysler: Maybe Two Wrongs Can Make a Right."

GM is trying to overcome several obstacles as it tries to buy Chrysler. Meanwhile, salesmen across the country are trying to overcome several obstacles as they try to get someone in America to buy just one Chrysler.

L.A. Times Terror Video
The L.A. Times is refusing to release a videotape of a dinner Barack Obama attended in honor of PLO terrorist Rashid Khalidi. So far, only a very small number of people have seen that video... kind of like the very small number of people who still read the L.A. Times.

GDP Shrinkage
A report on the U.S. economy today is expected to show that the economy shrank by 0.5% over the summer. But the U.S. economy insists it really isn't that small, it's just that it just came out of the pool.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Jong Il is Iller
Reports out of North Korea say that dictator Kim Jong Il has suffered a setback and has been hospitalized. This also means that the North Korean nuclear reactor will have to be reconnected in order to power Jong Il's pacemaker.

Jong Il Dying?
North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il is sick and may be near death. North Korea is promising a worldwide search to find a replaced tyrant, but it's pretty clear that Dick Cheney has the inside track.

NBA Season Starts
The NBA season began last night with the traditional handing out of championship rings to the defending champion Boston Celtics, and the traditional handing out of child support trial subpoenas to everyone else in the league.

GMAC Gambit
Auto financier GMAC is now looking to become a bank holding company so it can access some of the $700 billion in government bailout money. In a related story, millions of Americans are now changing their last names to "savings and loan."

Obama Ad
Before the resumption of game 5 of the World Series, FOX will air a paid-for 30 minute Barack Obama infomercial. This will follow the regularly scheduled 30 minute free infomercials for Obama that currently air on CBS, NBC and ABC news.

Because of a Barack Obama infomercial, the resumption of game 5 of the World Series will be delayed by 30 minutes tonight. Then it will take an additional 30 minutes for the Phillies and Rays relievers to finish their eight warmup pitches.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Porno Director Dies
"Deep Throat" director Gerard Damiano has died at age 80. When the film was released in 1972 it was considered pornagraphic, but in a sign of changing times the movie is now regularly broadcast on Nickelodeon and PBS Kids.

Gas Drop
Gas prices are now 23 cents per gallon cheaper than they were a year ago. Unfortunately, Americans are now driving to and from their local unemployment line.

Rain Delay
Game 5 of the World Series was suspended last night because of rain... which was annoying for the 3 people outside of Philadelphia who still give a damn about the World Series.

Military Sex
A new survey shows that 15% of women in the U.S. military say they feel some kind of sexual pressures on the job. That's opposed to 100% of the men in the U.S. military who say they aren't getting any.

NBA Begins
The new NBA season tips off tonight, which means the slow season for the nation's sex crime units is coming to an end.

NBA Begins II
The new NBA season tips off tonight, which means Isiah Thomas will have to boost his daily sleeping pill intake from 10 to 20 just to get through the night.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Stocks Wilt
Stocks in Asia and Europe are crashing today on fears of a global recession. U.S. stocks may buck that trend since nobody here can find Europe or Asia on the globe.

Oil Crash
Oil prices are plummeting again today even though OPEC is trying to cut supply. If this keeps up, Arab countries will no longer be able to sponsor honor killings and they will all be "bring your own stone."

OPEC has decided to cut daily oil production by 1.5 million barrels. But the empty barrels will be used to hide terrorists sneaking into America.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Goldman Cuts
Goldman Sachs is cutting 10% of its workforce. It will be hard losing their jobs, but the toughest part for the ex-Goldman employees will be realizing they're not God.

Coffee Study
The bad news is that a new study shows that drinking too much coffee can increase the size of a man's breasts. The good news is that when those men do drink coffee, they don't have worry about where to find the cream.

UPS Earnings
Because of the economic slowdown, UPS is expected to report weak quarterly earnings today. On the bright side, the company does expect to make billions in 2009 delivering pink slips to fired workers all over the country.

Spending Record
A new report shows that political campaign spending has reached a record $5.3 billion this year. So the best way to fix the economy is to force everyone in Washington to run for re-election every six months.

Pregnancy Study
A new study shows that post-pregnancy depression may be linked to preterm delivery. That's opposed to most women, who say post-pregnancy depression is linked to deliveries that hurt like Hell.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Wal-Mart Trends
Wal-Mart is noticing that more shoppers are only buying essential items like baby formula. Really desperate consumers are just asking the check out girls to breast feed them.

Hookers off the Hook
San Francisco is considering a bill that would decriminalize prostitution. Of course, the only thing you can still be arrested for in San Francisco is being a Republican.

Scary Mail
More than 30 threatening letters with menacing white powder have been sent to Chase banks in eight states. Police aren't sure what the substance is, but they're sure it's not as toxic as subprime loans.

Disney and Lehman
Disney says failed investment bank Lehman Brothers owes the company $92 million. If they don't get their money, Pluto and Goofy are ready to break some legs.

Disney and Lehman II
Disney says failed investment bank Lehman Brothers owes the company $92 million... something they should have expected since Lehman was clearly a Mickey Mouse operation.

Palin Brought the Kids
An investigation has uncovered that Gov. Sarah Palin charged the state of Alaska to bring her children with her on political trips. The story is being hyped by East Coast journalists who haven't seen their children in years.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Obama Time Out
Barack Obama is taking time out from the campaign trail to visit his sick grandmother... or accuse her of being a racist again, whichever helps his image the most.

Barack Obama is taking time out from the campaign trail to visit his sick grandmother. Obama is expected to completely restore her health as soon as he's finished healing the lepers on the way to the hospital.

Barack Obama believes his grandmother is a racist because she was afraid of an extremely aggressive black panhandler decades ago. She's actually still afraid of panhandlers, but only the ones from the IRS.

McCain Strategy
John McCain's camp insists he can overcome Barack Obama's huge lead in fundraising... mostly because the campaign is now posing as a failed investment bank in line for a multi-billion dollar government bailout.

Movie Madness
Hollywood studios are struggling to make movies based on the current economic crisis. The real challenge is creating plots where the banking problems can all be blamed on global warming and homophobia.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Red Sox Comeback
The Boston Red Sox overcame a 7-0 seventh inning deficit last night to beat the Tampa Bay Devil Rays 8-7 and stay alive in the baseball playoffs. If the Rays end up losing the series, all three of their fans will be really upset.

Last Survivor
At 96 years old, Millvina Dean is the last living survivor of the Titanic disaster. Sadly, everyone who saw the movie Titanic died in the theater.

Toy Maker Fails
A Chinese toy maker that supplied products to Disney and Mattel is going out of business because of the global financial crisis. Luckily, it's a Chinese toy company so it should only take about 5 minutes to adjust their factories to start producing rat poison.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Plumber Talk
Both John McCain and Barack Obama talked extensively about "Joe the plumber" during last night's debate... a funny coincidence since both campaigns really could use someone who clears away gobs of crap.

Earnings Reports
The stock market is watching closely, as several major corporations release quarterly earnings reports today. But the way things are going, the most important earnings report next quarter will come from the guy selling apples on 57th Street.

Muslim Breaks
Several U.S. companies are being sued by Muslim workers who say they need five prayer breaks a day. The companies say they can only allow that many breaks to employees who worship cigarettes.

What's Next?
Madonna and Guy Ritchie have officially announced their plans to divorce. Ritchie is expected to throw himself into his filmmaking career, while Madonna is expected to throw herself at the New York Yankees clubhouse.

Border Fight
Thailand and Cambodia are working to resolve their border dispute. In the latest concession, Thailand was willing to give up 3 heroin fields in return for 4 Cambodian brothels with 8-year-old boy prostitutes.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Final Debate
Tonight is the final debate between John McCain and Barack Obama. This is both candidates last chance to make their best case for getting hired to work for Hank Paulson.

Jesse Slams the Jews
During a speech in France, Jesse Jackson said that an Obama administration would not allow its foreign policy to be influenced by "Zionists"... making this the toughest election choice ever for members of the KKK.

During a speech in France, Jesse Jackson said that an Obama administration would not allow its foreign policy to be influenced by "Zionists." It's a statement that was really a waste of time, since Obama already had the self-hating Jewish vote all locked up.

Madonna-Guy Splitsville
Madonna and Guy Ritchie are getting a divorce, proving that Yankee third baseman Alex Rodriguez breaks up marriages a lot better than double plays.

Al Qaeda Moves
A new report in the New York Times says that al Qaeda rebels being beaten in Iraq are now moving to Afghanistan. Actually, most beaten al Qaeda rebels move to the New York Times.

Oil Crash
Oil prices have crashed to about half of where they were this summer. Luckily, suddenly cash-strapped Arab terrorists can still rely on a bailout from Hank Paulson.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Ringo Says "No"
Ringo Starr says he is no longer answering his fan mail. Well, that frees up about 3-to-5 minutes a week for him.

Buying Up Banks
In the latest bailout move, the U.S. government is buying up big stakes in several banks. Unfortunately, that means most ATM's will now be off on weekends and all federal holidays.

NBA Layoffs
The NBA is laying off 80 employees. At least that's 80 fewer people for Isiah Thomas to sexually harass.

Krugman Wins
New York Times columnist Paul Krugman has won the Nobel Prize for Economics. He was singled out for his enthralling economics essay on how publishing 10 anti-Bush administration editorials a week is still not helping the New York Times sell any more papers.

Iceland Falls
The entire economy of Iceland has collapsed. Crazed citizens with sharpened icicles are running through the streets demanding their money, or herring... whichever the banks can spare.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Bailout Blues
A week after Congress passed the Wall Street bailout bill, stocks continue to fall out of control. That's because Washington apparently sent Wall Street a post-dated check.

The Day After
Trading volume on Wall Street is expected to be much higher today now that all the Jewish brokers will be back from Yom Kippur. Of course, every day will soon be like Yom Kippur for all the brokers; nothing to eat and no job.

Bush to Speak
President Bush will address the nation on the economic crisis at 10:25AM today. Unfortunately, he's expected to ask the American people for a personal loan.

Nobel Peace Winner
Former Presidenti of Finland Martti Ahtisaari has won the 2008 Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobel committee awarded him the prize for being the first Finnish man over the age of 40 not to commit suicide since 1945.

Former Presidenti of Finland Martti Ahtisaari has won the 2008 Nobel Peace Prize. Next year's winner will be the guy who breaks up all the fights that erupt on the bread lines outside of Morgan Stanley.