Ringo Says "No"
Ringo Starr says he is no longer answering his fan mail. Well, that frees up about 3-to-5 minutes a week for him.



Buying Up Banks
In the latest bailout move, the U.S. government is buying up big stakes in several banks. Unfortunately, that means most ATM's will now be off on weekends and all federal holidays.



NBA Layoffs
The NBA is laying off 80 employees. At least that's 80 fewer people for Isiah Thomas to sexually harass.



Krugman Wins
New York Times columnist Paul Krugman has won the Nobel Prize for Economics. He was singled out for his enthralling economics essay on how publishing 10 anti-Bush administration editorials a week is still not helping the New York Times sell any more papers.



Iceland Falls
The entire economy of Iceland has collapsed. Crazed citizens with sharpened icicles are running through the streets demanding their money, or herring... whichever the banks can spare.