Senate Vote
The Senate meets tonight to vote on the Wall St. bailout bill. The session is beginning after sundown out of respect for the Jewish members observing Rosh HaShanah and the dozens of Senators who are vampires.


The Senate bill is the same as the original bailout plan, except that it will guarantee bank deposits up to $250,000. That would stop a run on the banks and really make it easier to buy a house after one quick trip to the ATM.


The huge number of emails opposed to the bailout bill has crashed the Capitol Hill computer server. Luckily, several Wall Street firms have offered to pay for the repairs... after the bill passes.



Bloomberg Third Term?
New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg wants to run for a third term in defiance of local term limit laws. Bloomberg would go back to his old job, but even he can't find a job on Wall Street anymore.



China in the Clear
An investigation has determined that China's gold medal gymnasts were indeed old enough to compete in the 2008 games. That makes sense because had they been any younger, they would have been killed by China's poisionous baby formula.