Jong Il is Iller
Reports out of North Korea say that dictator Kim Jong Il has suffered a setback and has been hospitalized. This also means that the North Korean nuclear reactor will have to be reconnected in order to power Jong Il's pacemaker.

Jong Il Dying?
North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il is sick and may be near death. North Korea is promising a worldwide search to find a replaced tyrant, but it's pretty clear that Dick Cheney has the inside track.



NBA Season Starts
The NBA season began last night with the traditional handing out of championship rings to the defending champion Boston Celtics, and the traditional handing out of child support trial subpoenas to everyone else in the league.



GMAC Gambit
Auto financier GMAC is now looking to become a bank holding company so it can access some of the $700 billion in government bailout money. In a related story, millions of Americans are now changing their last names to "savings and loan."



Obama Ad
Before the resumption of game 5 of the World Series, FOX will air a paid-for 30 minute Barack Obama infomercial. This will follow the regularly scheduled 30 minute free infomercials for Obama that currently air on CBS, NBC and ABC news.


Because of a Barack Obama infomercial, the resumption of game 5 of the World Series will be delayed by 30 minutes tonight. Then it will take an additional 30 minutes for the Phillies and Rays relievers to finish their eight warmup pitches.