Thursday, November 30, 2006

Radiation Poisoning
More evidence is connecting the Russian government to the deadly radiation poisoning of former KGB agent Alexander Litvinenko. The Kremlin denies any involvement, but says none of this would have happened if the West would just allow it to sell more radioactive materials to Iran.

Top 5 Signs You're Being Poisoned by the Kremlin

5) Some Iranian guy keeps offering you $50,000 for your urine

4) British Airways stewardesses keep insisting on seating you in first class... right next to the microwave oven

3) The bag of pierogies in your freezer is glowing in the dark

2) Every time you sneeze you set off a small nuclear explosion

1) You ate a British restaurant... and the food tasted good!

White House Explanation
The White House is denying that Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Maliki backed out of meeting with President Bush because of a White House memo that says he doesn't have control of the country. Actually, Maliki didn't come because the meeting was scheduled during peak car bombing hours.

DeVito Drunk?
Danny DeVito told bawdy jokes and slurred his speech repeatedly during his appearance on The View Wednesday. Apparently, getting drunk isn't just the best way to watch The View... it the best way to endure being a guest too.

Rogue Whale
A killer whale that dragged a trainer underwater during a show at SeaWorld Adventure Park this week may be allowed to perform again despite past incidents. Park officials cited the whale's true remorse, and the fact that he's hired Howard Rubenstein as his publicist.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and! Here's the link: Newsday

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Wiggles Breaking Up
"Yellow Wiggle," Greg Page is reportedly leaving the popular children's music group "The Wiggles" because of a recurring illness. Most of the world's kids are taking the news relatively well, but no one has yet had the guts to tell President Bush.

Powell Calls it a Civil War
Former Secretary of State Colin Powell says it's time for the Bush administration to recognize that Iraq is in civil war. Unfortunately, the Bush administration doesn't even recognize Colin Powell.

Frist Drops Out
Outgoing Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist is dropping out of the 2008 presidential race. Frist is looking forward to using his spare time for more insider trading.

Pregnant Virgin
The 16-year-old actress who plays the Virgin Mary in the new movie The Nativity is pregnant. Leading Democrats are now calling for free condom distribution on the sets of all Christian movies.

Pregnant Virgin II
The 16-year-old actress who plays the Virgin Mary in the new movie The Nativity is now pregnant. Apparently, her performance was so good, even God thought she was the real thing!

Pregnant Virgin III
The 16-year-old actress who plays the Virgin Mary in the new movie The Nativity is now pregnant. I knew they shouldn't have let R. Kelly do the soundtrack!

Pregnant Virgin IV
16-year-old actress Keisha Castle-Hughes, who starred in the film Whale Rider, is pregnant. Well, now we know it must have been a sperm whale.

Bush on Iraq
President Bush denies that Iraq is in a civil war, saying that the country is going through a vicious cycle of revenge attacks and vendettas. You know, just like Congress.

Iraq Blame
More and more White House officials and U.S. generals are blaming the continued violence and destruction in Iraq on the Iraqis themselves. Well, that's what they get for letting us invade their country.

Pope Gets Lectured
Pope Benedict XVI met with Turkey's top Muslim cleric Tuesday, who lectured him on the why "Islamaphobia" is so unfair and dangerous... then he tried to behead him.

Holy Site
On Wednesday Pope Benedict XVI conducted an open-air Mass in Turkey next to a house where the Virgin Mary is thought to have spent her last years. Then a group of Muslim protesters burned it down.

Best Pals
Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Lindsay Lohan have been seen partying together this week. So if they let Lohan do the driving, all of our prayers could soon be answered!

Chess Doping?
The World Chess Federation is introducing new dope testing at its events... not for the contestants, but for the spectators.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Benedict in Turkey
Muslim protests died down as Pope Benedict XVI began his controversial visit to Turkey Tuesday. In the spirit of mutual understanding, the demonstrators decided to stop focusing on Christians and get back to hating Jews.

Benedict's Excuse
Pope Benedict began his bridge-building visit to Turkey on the right foot by apologizing for not coming sooner... but then he ruined it when he said the reason was that he's been afraid to fly ever since 9/11.

Home Prices Slump
The real estate market is cooling, but despite falling prices, the actual number of home sales are on the rise. Experts say that's because no matter how volatile the housing market gets, Americans still prefer living indoors.

Civil War Talk
NBC News announced this week that from now on it will refer to the conflict in Iraq as a civil war, despite the White House's refusal to label it that way. But NBC is still caving in to White House pressure by continuing to refer to Mr. Bush as "the President."

Top 5 White House Euphemisms for the Iraqi Civil War

5) "Arabs Gone Wild!"

4) "Smash-Up Derby... with Car Bombs"

3) "Operation Iraqi Spat"

2) "Terror Bowl 3"

1) "Black Monday thru Friday"

Why They Split
Troubles between Pam Anderson and Kid Rock began last month after the couple attended a screening of the Borat movie. Kid Rock thought the movie was "too high brow."

Britney's Distractions
Ever since Britney Spears began partying with Paris Hilton, she has stopped work on her new album. And you thought Paris Hilton wasn't good for anything!

The Pill... for Men!
British scientists have developed a contraceptive pill for men that is effective if taken a few hours before sex. The pill is not recommended for elderly men, men with high blood pressure, and the overly-optimistic.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson are getting a divorce after just four months of marriage. Publicists say Rock and Pam just could not agree on who should wear the couple's one and only shirt.

Transgender Actor
ABC's All My Children this week will introduce a transgender character who is making the transition from a man into a woman. Of course the fastest and easiest way for a man to turn into a woman is to watch "All My Children."

Mayor's Take
Mayor Bloomberg says it's "unacceptable" that police fired 50 shots and killed an unarmed man after his vehicle slammed into a car filled with undercover cops. Of course if the victim had hit a car filled with civilians in New York, they would have shot him 60 times.

Bush Library
President Bush is hoping to raise $500 million to build his presidential library. That'll be $100 million for the books and the building, and $400 million to erase all the evidence of war crimes.

Yoko's Plea
Yoko Ono put out an ad in the Sunday New York Times urging readers to mark the anniversary of John Lennon's death by apologizing to those who have suffered from war. But Ono still hasn't apologized to those who have suffered through her concerts.

Paris and Britney
For the third night in a row, Britney Spears was seen out partying with Paris Hilton. By pooling their intelligence, the two were actually able to drive a car, eat food, and walk upright.

"N" Word Pledge
Following Michael Richards' tirade, black leaders are demanding that all entertainers, black and white, stop using the "N" word. As a result, all rap songs will now be only 30 seconds long.

Tough Times
The White House is struggling to come up with answers after three days filled with violence, chaos, and unbelievable brutality... but enough about what it was like at the mall this weekend.

Anti-Pope Protest
Tens of thousands of Turks protested against Pope Benedict XVI's upcoming visit to Istanbul today. It's not clear if the demonstrators were angry about the Pope's comments disparaging Islam, or for his criticism of anal sex.

Innocent Man Shot
New Yorkers are asking a lot of questions after NYPD cops killed an unarmed man just hours before his wedding, like: "why were so many shots fired," "who is responsible," and "can I return my wedding gift on a Sunday?"

Kremlin Critic Dead
After former Russian spy and Kremlin critic Alexander Litvinenko died of poisoning in a London hospital this week many are wondering what's more dangerous, publicly attacking the Kremlin or eating at a British restaurant?

Iraq Explanation
Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Maliki says Iraq’s politicians are largely responsible for the chaos in that nation. Man, that country is getting more like America every day!

Friday, November 24, 2006

No NFL Thursday Night
The NFL Network's exclusive broadcast of the Denver-Kansas City football game Thanksgiving night was not available in most of the country. This tragically forced millions of American men to actually spend time with their families.

Celebrity Holiday
Dozens of movie and TV stars made appearances this Thanksgiving night at several soup kitchens across the Los Angeles area. They helped distribute meals and gave thanks they were not Michael Richards.

Thanksgiving Day Sales
Hoping to entice buyers to shop a day early, several leading chain stores were open this Thanksgiving Day, including Wal-Mart, BJ's, and CompUSA. But most Americans couldn't take advantage of the sales because they were too busy going to their jobs at Wal-Mart, BJ's, and CompUSA.

Thursday, November 23, 2006


NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and! Here's the link: Newsday

Parade Balloons Grounded?
High winds and rain may ground the giant balloons at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. But rain or shine, Mayor Bloomberg, Senator Clinton, and Governor Pataki all plan to march down Broadway with their inflated egos.

Bush Robbed
The bad news for the Secret Service is that a pickpocket managed to snatch presidential daughter Barbara Bush's purse in Buenos Aires. The bad news for the White House is that inside the purse were two joints and a bottle of "morning after" pills.

Kerkorian Bails Out
Billionaire investor Kirk Kerkorian is dumping about 14 million shares of GM. If this keeps up, soon GM stock will be as worthless as GM cars.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Mars Probe Missing
The bad news is NASA has lost contact with its Mars space probe. The REALLY bad news is the 10-year-old probe was last seen with Mark Foley and Michael Jackson.

Top 5 Things You'll See at the Airport this Thanksgiving

5) A shady dude at the departure gate offering to sell you back your just-confiscated bottle of shampoo for $50

4) Lots of returning service men and women from Iraq looking for John Kerry

3) Thousands of people crowding in the terminal thinking it's the line for the PlayStation 3

2) O.J. Simpson trying to sell his latest manuscript to the airport bookstore

1) Dozens of ex-Republican Congressmen on their way home... for good

Bush Poll
A new poll finds that most Americans prefer former President George H.W. Bush, to the current President Bush... but mostly because the elder Bush is closer to being dead.

Economic Forecast
The White House is lowering its forecast for economic growth this year and next... not because of any real data, just because they don't give a damn anymore.

Imams Taken Off Plane
Six Muslim Imams were removed from a US Airways flight this week... not for any security reasons, it's just because the airline wanted to merge them with 5 Rabbis who were flying on Delta.

Richards Talk
Hollywood is still buzzing about ex-Seinfeld star Michael Richards' racist outburst on stage. Mel Gibson was the most excited about it until he found out Richards isn't Jewish.

O.J. Special Canceled
FOX has decided to cancel the two-hour O.J. Simpson book and television special "If I Did It." Viewers who want to see a despicable liar and thug on FOX will have to stick to watching Bill O'Reilly.

Regan Admission
O.J. book publisher Judith Regan says she became obsessed with Simpson's story because she was once a victim of domestic abuse herself. Oh, and if we don't start feeling sorry for Regan right now, she's going to beat the crap out of us.

Regan Admission II
O.J. book publisher Judith Regan says she became obsessed with Simpson's story because she was once a victim of domestic abuse herself. Whoever that man is, he is now a hero to millions of Americans.

Regan Admission III
O.J. book publisher Judith Regan says she became obsessed with Simpson's story because she was once a victim of domestic abuse herself. Whoever that man is, he apparently taught Regan everything she knows about beating up her employees.

New Beatles Album
A new CD is in stores featuring several Beatles hits mixed together at once. In other words, now you can feel what it was like for fans to hear their songs back in the 60's without actually getting stoned.

Goya Found
The F.B.I. has recovered a Goya painting that was stolen from a truck while on its way to the Guggenheim Museum earlier this month. Agents found the painting on display on West 58th Street along with several fake Rolex watches and Channel purses.

Kramer Loses It
Former "Seinfeld" co-star Michael Richards flew into an onstage racist tirade at an L.A. comedy club last weekend. It was shocking and offensive, but not as shocking and offensive as the failed sitcoms every ex-Seinfeld cast member has starred in since 1999.

Monday, November 20, 2006

TomKat Wedding
Even though their lavish ceremony and reception was held in Italy, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were legally married in Los Angeles earlier this week. Apparently, even the Italians have a limited tolerance for bull crap.

Top 5 Surprising Things Guests at the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes Wedding Found in their Gift Baskets

5) Autographed copies of O.J. Simpson's "If I Did It" book

4) Jewel-encrusted barf bags for flight back on John Travolta's plane

3) 18-DVD "History of Psychiatry" set

2) A small note from Katie that said: "Help me! Please, help me!"

1) A six-month prescription for Prozac

Kissinger on Iraq
Henry Kissinger now says a clear military and political victory in Iraq is impossible. But this is coming from a man who now considers being able to use the toilet a clear victory.

Gas Prices Higher
Gasoline prices are going back up across the country. With the Democrats taking control of Congress, the oil companies need to raise money for their legal defense fund.

McNabb Out
Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb is out for the rest of the season after tearing his ACL Sunday. He'll begin rehab immediately with his mother pouring Chunky Soup on his knee three times a day.

Human Shields
Hundreds of Palestinians in Gaza are surrounding the houses of leading terrorists to act as human shields against Israeli air strikes. Well, as long as they have their priorities straight.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Top 5 Shocking Passages in O.J. Simpson's "If I Did It" Book

5) "I figured I do this book and then maybe Kato Kaelin will stop bothering me"

4) "Let me make this up to America; give me my knife back and send me to Iraq"

3) "I'll do the same to anyone who cuts in front of me on the line for PlayStation3"

2) "I killed Ron Goldman because he was a UCLA fan"

1) "I'm currently dating a black woman"

Murtha Loses
Congressman John Murtha lost in his bid to become the new House Majority Leader. He is now calling for an immediate pullout from Nancy Pelosi.

Vatican Celibacy
The Vatican has decided not to change its celibacy requirement for priests. The news sent Rogaine and "Just For Men" shares plummeting on Wall Street.

Child Protection Network
U.S. agents are joining authorities in Canada, Britain, and Australia to form a global police unit that will help find child molesters. Most of the agents will be stationed on Capitol Hill.

Endurance Drug
Reports show the new drug Resveratrol doubles a person's physical endurance... so if men take it along with Viagra, they'll probably last six minutes instead of three.

Madonna Adoptions
Madonna says she wants to adopt another baby from Malawi and will give her two children, Lourdes and Rocco, a "choice" in selecting their new sister. Too bad they didn't have a choice in selecting a mother.

Emmitt Wins
Former NFL star Emmitt Smith won "Dancing With the Stars" Wednesday night. He will never be allowed to play football again.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Lott Wins
Senator Trent Lott won the election Wednesday to become the new Senate Minority Whip... but he turned down the position when he learned it doesn't give him the right to actually whip any black people.

Bush Meets Putin
President Bush briefly met with Russian President Vladimir Putin at a Moscow airport Wednesday. Ironically, the two world leaders most associated with fighting terrorism spent the entire 15-minute meeting complaining about the long security lines.

Male Menopause
According to a new report, men also experience a version of menopause, which is characterized by declining fertility, depression, and the need to wear loud golf shirts at home and work.

Male Menopause II
According to a new report, men also experience a version of menopause, which is characterized by declining fertility, depression, and a desire to run for Congress.

French Space Launch
The French space agency will soon launch the first satellite dedicated solely to seeking out new planets beyond our solar system. If they find anything, maybe the people on those planets will understand the French.

Anne Frank Tree
The Amsterdam City Council says the old chestnut tree visible from Anne Frank's attic window as she hid from the Nazis during World War II, is rotten and must be cut down. In a related story, all of Europe hates the Jews again.

Catholic Vote
America's Roman Catholic bishops voted overwhelmingly Tuesday calling on gay and lesbian Catholics to remain celibate, and for married Catholics to reject artificial contraception. They also passed resolutions in favor of black and white TV's and rotary dial phones.

Ney Name Removed
After he was convicted for his role in the Jack Abramoff scandal, Ohio University has begun the process of removing former Congressman Bob Ney's name from a building on campus. The freshmen pledges at Delta Chi have promised to steal the sign before the end of "Hell Week."

Porn Sites
According to a government study, only one percent of Web sites indexed by Google and Microsoft are sexually explicit. So I guess that means no one is using the other 99% of the Internet.

Oprah Snubbed
Oprah Winfrey was not invited to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' wedding in Italy. Well, neither was the real Katie Holmes.

L.A. Air Quality
A new study says special effects explosions, idling vehicles, and teams of workers building huge sets in Hollywood contribute to Los Angeles' poor air quality. In other words: the movies stink.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006


My work is now being featured along with stuff from The Onion on the new CNN web site, "CNN Warp." You can find the link to the CNN Warp page on the homepage, (it's on the far right, about halfway down), and here's a direct link: CNN Warp

Toys for Tots Reject
A talking Jesus doll has been turned down by the Marine Reserves' Toys for Tots program. If only the Marines had turned down the talking Jesus doll in the White House, they might not be stuck in Iraq.

Middle East Peace
British Prime Minister Tony Blair says any solution to the Iraq crisis must involve a "whole Middle East" that addresses the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, Iran's nuclear ambitions, and the fact that most Arabs are nuts.

Citizenship Quiz
Government officials writing the new U.S. citizenship exam wanted it to be less of a quiz on historical facts and more of a test of the applicants' grasp of American democracy. But since American democracy is a mostly a thing of the past, it's still going to be a history test.

Vatican Summit
Pope Benedict XVI and top Vatican officials will hold a summit Thursday to discuss requests for ending the requirement that priests be celibate. The panel will first hear testimony from Rev. Ted Haggard.

Top 5 Things Overheard at the Vatican Sex Summit

5) "Well if we can't be celibate, I guess I'm going to have to start working out."

4) "Who do you think was hotter, McCauley Culkin or Haley Joel Osment?"

3) "Are we talking about being allowed to have sex or being allowed to get married, because the two are mutually exclusive."

2) "If we're allowed to date, can we use the Communion wine for parties?"

1) "This whole summit makes me fell awkward, can't we just go back to bashing gays?"

Al-Jazeera in English
Al-Jazeera will launch its English-language network Wednesday and promises that it "won't have any accent." Well, that'll take the edge off when the anchors yell "death to America" at the top of every hour.

Al-Jazeera in English II
Al-Jazeera will launch its English-language network Wednesday, otherwise known as the "BBC."

Katie Goes Shopping
L.A. gossip columnists say Katie Holmes was seen this week buying more than $3,000 worth of lingerie at a West Hollywood store. Okay, so now we know what Tom's going to be wearing to the wedding, but what about Katie?

Tokin' Profs
Two professors at the University of Toronto and at York University have been granted the right to smoke medical marijuana on campus to relieve medical conditions. 45,000 students are pre-registering for their courses this semester in hopes of getting a contact high.

Top 5 Things President Bush was Thinking at the Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial Dedication

5) "I always thought "I Have a Dream" was a hit single by the Shondells."

4) "During the march on Washington, daddy made us all hide in the basement for a week."

3) "I have to smile and look happy; the Democrats control Congress now."

2) "You know, Oprah really is hotter than Condi."

1) "Wow, I wonder what it was like to be a king?"

Bush Meets Iraq Study Group
President Bush says he was impressed with the "tough questions" members of the Iraq Study Group asked him at the White House. Apparently, the members of the Iraq Study Group asked him how to spell "Iraq."

Pelosi Picks Murtha
Nancy Pelosi, the soon-to-be Speaker of the House, has endorsed Representative John Murtha to be the next House majority leader, overstepping current deputy Steny Hoyer. But Hoyer will receive a year's supply of Rice-a-Roni and Turtelwax.

Studying Abroad
U.S. college students are studying abroad in record numbers, including a 53% increase in those going to India and 35% more going to China. Well, they might as well go to school where the jobs are.

Angry Firefighters
A male firefighter in Minneapolis has become the fourth person to sue the fire chief, who is lesbian, claiming that she discriminated against him because he is heterosexual. But the chief says all she's doing is telling the men "to be more useful with their hoses."

Angry Firefighters II
A male firefighter in Minneapolis has become the fourth person to sue the fire chief, who is lesbian, claiming that she discriminated against him because he is heterosexual. Dammit, it's the straight firemen who do the sexual harassing in America, doesn't she know that?!?

Threatening Letter Arrest
The FBI says a man in California has been arrested for mailing threatening letters laced with white powder to Nancy Pelosi, David Letterman, Chuck Schumer, and John Stewart. Well, at least he was smart enough not to waste his time with President Bush or Jay Leno.

U2 in Church
Many churches have begun using music by U2 as part of their services. I don't know about you, but I'm joining the one that does "Party Girl."

Giuliani in '08
Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani has taken the first steps toward a possible 2008 presidential bid by forming a exploratory committee, lining up donors, and getting all his mistresses to shut the Hell up.

Giuliani in '08 II
Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani has taken the first steps toward a possible 2008 presidential bid by forming a exploratory committee, lining up donors, and having all his Republican opponents arrested on "quality of life" charges.


Sexual Discomfort
According to a new report, women who suffer from vaginal itching, burning or swelling after sex may actually be having an allergic reaction to their partner's semen, but the remedy is to have sex every two to three days. Sorry guys, but that's NOT the remedy for women suffering from oral itching, burning and swelling.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

SUNDAY RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Dems on Iraq
Senate Democrats vowed Sunday to press for troop reductions in Iraq. Wait, isn't that al Qaeda's job?

Castro Very Ill
The U.S. government believes Fidel Castro has terminal cancer. But he should still survive longer than most Republican campaign strategists.

Bad Timing
Angry Republicans say the party might have fared better on Election Day if President Bush had not waited to force Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld to resign. And they really would have done better if President Bush had resigned in 2005.

Penn State Wins
Penn State beat Temple in football Saturday, despite having to play without injured coach Joe Paterno. As usual, Temple had to play without a quarterback, defense or a kicking game.

Big Game
Ohio State and Michigan are both undefeated going into this coming Saturday's game. The Buckeyes are favored to win, but students from both schools are preparing to overturn and torch cars just in case.

Iraqi Cabinet Shuffle
The prime minister of Iraq is promising to reshuffle his cabinet after another series of deadly car bomb attacks. Once again, the most sought after post will be "Secretary of Not Dying."

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Ed Bradley Gone
Respected 60 Minutes correspondent Ed Bradley has died at the age of 65. Sadly he died before he became old enough to know what it's like to be a 60 Minutes viewer.

Ed Bradley Gone II
Respected 60 Minutes correspondent Ed Bradley has died at the age of 65. Mike Wallace can now date Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad exclusively.

Allen Quits
Virginia Senator George Allen has finally conceded. Insiders say the reason why he waited until today is because it took Allen two days to figure out what a concession is.

Allen Quits II
Virginia Senator George Allen has finally conceded. Now Allen will have to choose between becoming the new leader of the KKK or B'nai Brith.

Top 5 Reasons the Republicans Lost

5) Karl Rove was too busy trying to figure out if Borat is a real guy

4) Democrats adopted crazy strategy of NOT telling half the electorate it was going to Hell

3) Someone forgot to send the check to the guys at Diebold

2) More Americans are taking on new hobbies, like reading

1) God is gay

Britney Divorce Battle
After Britney Spears filed for divorce from Kevin Federline, he counter-sued demanding sole custody of their two children and an unspecified amount of financial support. Experts say he needs at least $1,000 a week for tattoo and baseball cap maintenance.

Nazi Speech
Part of a Nazi leader's speech was played over the public address system at a Charlotte, North Carolina high school before a high school soccer game this week, prompting an apology from the home team's principal. Both teams were angry that they did not get to hear the entire speech.

Welcome readers! If you like what you see and you want more localized material catered to your radio audience, email me at

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Wednesday, November 08, 2006


Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has just announced that he is stepping down. Democrats have now upgraded themselves from "giddy" to "euphoric."

Rumsfeld is apparently leaving the Pentagon to go back to private life, spend more time with his family, and dodge the six dozen subpoenas he was about to get now that the Democrats control Congress.

President Bush has picked former CIA Director Bob Gates to replace Donald Rumsfeld. Gates is the President of Texas A&M University, so he has a lot of experience with controlling hostile and unruly mobs.

Experts say President Bush has overlooked a much better candidate to replace Donald Rumsfeld as Defense Secretary. He's a man who's used to being over-scrutinized, a man who already faced impossible challenges and lived through them, a man who suddenly has a lot of time on his hands. That man is Kevin Federline.

Rumsfeld is expected to take a job in the corporate world... possibly with one of the oil companies for whom he has already been working as a government lobbyist for the last six years anyway.

Virginia Recount
Democrat James Webb's razor-thin victory in the Virginia senate race almost surely means there will be a recount. That should give George Allen more than enough time to say something else stupid.

Montana Race
Democrat Jon Tester has declared victory in his tight race for the U.S. Senate seat in Montana, claiming he has 3,000 more votes than the incumbent. Wait, are there even 3,000 people in Montana?

White House Changes
President Bush has acknowledged that the change of power in Congress will force some changes at the White House, most notably the hiring of Samuel L. Jackson as his lead speechwriter.

Bush Upset
President Bush was reportedly "disappointed" when he was informed by Karl Rove that Democrats had regained control of the House... that was because Rove interrupted the President while this morning's broadcast of "Spongebob Squarepants" to tell him.

Lohan Crash
Lindsay Lohan crashed her car again Tuesday night while trying to escape photographers. I'm beginning to think the paparazzi really work for Geico.

Cruise Dinner
Tom Cruise recently spent $10,000 for a steak dinner with Katie Holmes at Mastro's Steakhouse in Beverly Hills. That's what it cost for two steaks, a bottle of wine, and 15 minutes with the restaurants roaming band of Scientology brain-washers.

Chinese Dog Laws
Authorities are now saying that families in China will be allowed only one dog in an effort to stamp out rabies. That's opposed to a similar rule in North Korea, that's been enacted in an effort to stamp out indigestion.

U.N. at MSG
Ambassador John Bolton brought members of the U.N. Security Council to Madison Square Garden Tuesday night to see the Knicks play. The Council immediately enacted economic sanctions against Isiah Thomas right after the game.

New Term
Former 'N Sync member Lance Bass has inspired a new term for gay celebrities who are outed by the media, which is called being "lanced." That's opposed to the old term for being outed by people at a cowboy bar, which is still called being "stabbed."

Tuesday, November 07, 2006


Britney Spears has filed for divorce from her husband Kevin Federline, citing irreconcilable differences. Yeah, Britney is the only one with a career.

The Britney Spears divorce announcement has hit the American TV news networks at the worst possible time as they were all too busy covering the frivolous midterm elections.

Sanford Turned Away
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford was not allowed to vote early Tuesday because he didn't have his voter registration card. An embarrassed Sanford told reporters that "now he knows what it's like to be a regular guy,"... actually now he knows what it's like to be a black guy.

Voter Attacked
A poll worker in Louisville, Kentucky was arrested Tuesday and charged with assault for allegedly choking a voter and pushing him out the door. Witnesses say the victim keep bugging the poll worker for more of those free "I Voted!" buttons.

Voter Attacked II
A poll worker in Louisville, Kentucky was arrested Tuesday and charged with assault for allegedly choking a voter and pushing him out the door. Witnesses say the victim kept asking if this line for Louisville football tickets.

Democrat Worries
Some Democrats worry that overly optimistic forecasts about the midterm elections could be setting the stage for a demoralizing result. Well, now they know how the Republicans feel about the war in Iraq.

Virginia Allegations
The FBI is looking into allegations of voter intimidation by Republicans in Virginia, after several voters complained of phone calls attempting to misdirect and confuse them. Experts say those voters apparently have their telephones confused with the Fox News Channel.

Indian Marriage Poll
According to a new poll, nearly two-thirds of young Indian men expect the woman they marry to be a virgin, but nearly half of these men have had sex with prostitutes... and that is why it is so hard for prostitutes to get married in India.

Jury Duty Problem
Jury candidates in the city of Tulare, California who fail to show up are now being warned that they could be arrested for contempt of court. But this won't solve anything because most people facing jury duty would rather go to jail.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Saddam Effect
Experts say the Iraqi court's death sentence for Saddam Hussein will affect the U.S. midterm elections. That's because thousands of Americans are expected to go to the polls in hopes on doing the same thing to the Republicans.

Hussein Appeal
Under Iraqi law, Saddam Hussein's death sentence now automatically goes to a nine-judge appeals panel, who have unlimited time to review the case.... or until they're all killed by Sunni terrorists, whichever comes first.

Top 5 Signs the Republicans are in Trouble

5) Pentagon planning all-out invasion of Iran one minute before polls open

4) House GOP leaders canceling election night Congressman-Page "spin the bottle" tournament

3) Karl Rove arranging for free crack giveaways at all urban polling places

2) House Speaker Dennis Hastert is asking everyone where he can find empty boxes

1) Mailroom at Exxon-Mobil overflowing with GOP Congressmen's resumes

Santorum Strategy
Incumbent Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum is hoping to close a wide gap between him and his opponent with what he says is "a major last minute effort." That means his volunteers are beating up as many gays as they possibly can before the polls open.

Democrats and the Economy
A new CNN poll shows that a majority of Americans believe the economy would move in the right direction if the Democrats regained control of Congress. That's because corporations will have to spend their money creating jobs instead of bribing Republicans for the next two years.

National Polls
Several polls spell problems for the Republicans on this election day. Most Americans feel the country is headed in the wrong direction. Most Americans feel the Republicans have mishandled the war in Iraq. And most Americans are less afraid of terrorists than they are of hunting with Dick Cheney.

Al Qaeda Endorsement
Republicans insist Muslim terrorists are supporting the Democrats in these midterm elections... which is surprising, since al Qaeda and the GOP see eye-to-eye on so many things like gay marriage, women's rights, military spending, separation of Church and State...

White House Defends Don
The White House on Monday defended Donald Rumsfeld against a military newspaper editorial that called for his resignation saying the editorial was a "shabby piece of work"... and obviously written by one of those "uneducated soldiers that John Kerry was talking about last week."

Scarlet T-Shirt
A Delaware judge has ordered a man who twice exposed himself to a 10 year-old girl to wear a T-shirt with the words "I am a registered sex offender." Similar shirts are expected to become a wild craze among high school and college boys within two weeks.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

SUNDAY RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Saddam Sentenced
An Iraqi court has sentenced Saddam Hussein to death. It's not clear what would be the easiest way to execute him; hanging, lethal injection, or just letting him walk the streets of Baghdad during suicide car bombing hours.

Saddam Sentenced II
An Iraqi court has sentenced Saddam Hussein to death. The announcement led to celebrations in both the Shiite and Sunni communities, who had been afraid they were running out of reasons to kill each other.

Saddam Sentenced III
During his sentencing, Saddam Hussein repeatedly shouted at the judge and interrupted anyone else who wanted to talk. If he can get a reprieve, he'd have a hack of a career as a right-wing radio host.

Doogie Comes Out
Actor Neil Patrick Harris, best-known as TV's "Doogie Howser," has publicly announced that he is gay. Harris says he made his sexuality public to dispel growing rumors that he was an Evangelical minister.

Gay Marriage on the Ballot
On Tuesday, Americans in several states will vote on gay marriage ballot initiatives. Currently, the only Americans who can legally marry gay men are the wives of Evangelical pastors.

White House-Haggard
The Bush administration is trying to downplay disgraced Evangelical Pastor Ted Haggard's connection to the White House. Spokesmen are insisting that Haggard was only close to the 10 or 12 closeted gay men on the President's staff.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and! Here's the link: Newsday

Bechtel Pulls Out
The Bechtel corporation, an American engineering and contracting firm, has just pulled out of Iraq after completing its last rebuilding job and collecting a total of $2.3 billion in government contracts since 2003. The U.S. army will now be redeployed to help secure the company's executive washroom.

Crooked Deputies
Virginia prosecutors say a local sheriff covered up a scheme in which his deputies sold seized guns and drugs to the public. In their defense, they did sell them at a significant discount.

Anna Nicole Squatting
A South Carolina man is trying to evict Anna Nicole Smith, who he says is living illegally in his home in the Bahamas. Experts say the best way to do that is to dangle a chicken leg and a plastic surgeon out of the window.

Relaxed Carry On Rules
British air transit officials will once again allow toothpaste and some liquids in carry-on beginning Monday. Wait, the British have toothpaste?

Cruise Control
Tom Cruise is now in charge of United Artists, a division of MGM. The studio is expected to show a profit right away as it will eliminate its current $1 billion in annual spending on psychiatric drugs for its executives.

Top 5 Movies at United Artists Under Tom Cruise

5) The Dianetics Code

4) Some Like Them Brainwashed

3) Born on the 4th of July, (in the Year 12,008 on the Alien Calendar)

2) The Passion of L. Ron Hubbard

1) One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest II: The Scientology Ward

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Kerry Cancels
Senator John Kerry canceled all his public appearances today. It's not clear if it was because of the controversy over his joke about U.S. soldiers getting stuck in Iraq, or because Wednesday is the day he collects his allowance from Teresa.

Kerry Cancels II
Senator John Kerry canceled all his public appearances today. It's not clear if it was because of the controversy over his joke about U.S. soldiers getting stuck in Iraq, or because Wednesday is Botox day.

Bush Demand
President Bush says John Kerry should apologize for insulting American troops with his joke about getting "stuck in Iraq." Senator Kerry says he will as soon as President Bush apologizes for getting so many of them killed.

Bush Demand II
President Bush says John Kerry should apologize for insulting American soldiers with his joke about getting "stuck in Iraq." But most U.S. troops would rather Kerry apologize for keeping them stuck in Iraq by not winning the 2004 election.

Top 5 Worst Political Jokes of All Time

5) Border Security

4) Alan Keyes

3) House Ethics Committee

2) Campaign Finance Reform

1) The IRS

Trump Cited
Palm Beach officials have cited Donald Trump for hoisting a large American flag atop an 80-foot pole at his lavish Mar-a-Lago estate and club. The city has clear rules against large displays, tall structures, and men who are overcompensating.

Iran Travel Incentives
Iran will offer cash incentives to travel agencies to encourage American and other Western tourists to visit the country. The tourism department will pay agents $10 for every European, $20 for every American, and $20 million for every disgruntled physicist from Los Alamos.

Mice and Wine
A new scientific study shows that red wine helps obese mice stay healthy. More importantly, it also helps them get laid.