SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!!

My work is now being featured along with stuff from The Onion on the new CNN web site, "CNN Warp." You can find the link to the CNN Warp page on the CNN.com homepage, (it's on the far right, about halfway down), and here's a direct link: CNN Warp

Toys for Tots Reject
A talking Jesus doll has been turned down by the Marine Reserves' Toys for Tots program. If only the Marines had turned down the talking Jesus doll in the White House, they might not be stuck in Iraq.

Middle East Peace
British Prime Minister Tony Blair says any solution to the Iraq crisis must involve a "whole Middle East" that addresses the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, Iran's nuclear ambitions, and the fact that most Arabs are nuts.

Citizenship Quiz
Government officials writing the new U.S. citizenship exam wanted it to be less of a quiz on historical facts and more of a test of the applicants' grasp of American democracy. But since American democracy is a mostly a thing of the past, it's still going to be a history test.

Vatican Summit
Pope Benedict XVI and top Vatican officials will hold a summit Thursday to discuss requests for ending the requirement that priests be celibate. The panel will first hear testimony from Rev. Ted Haggard.

Top 5 Things Overheard at the Vatican Sex Summit

5) "Well if we can't be celibate, I guess I'm going to have to start working out."

4) "Who do you think was hotter, McCauley Culkin or Haley Joel Osment?"

3) "Are we talking about being allowed to have sex or being allowed to get married, because the two are mutually exclusive."

2) "If we're allowed to date, can we use the Communion wine for parties?"

1) "This whole summit makes me fell awkward, can't we just go back to bashing gays?"

Al-Jazeera in English
Al-Jazeera will launch its English-language network Wednesday and promises that it "won't have any accent." Well, that'll take the edge off when the anchors yell "death to America" at the top of every hour.

Al-Jazeera in English II
Al-Jazeera will launch its English-language network Wednesday, otherwise known as the "BBC."

Katie Goes Shopping
L.A. gossip columnists say Katie Holmes was seen this week buying more than $3,000 worth of lingerie at a West Hollywood store. Okay, so now we know what Tom's going to be wearing to the wedding, but what about Katie?

Tokin' Profs
Two professors at the University of Toronto and at York University have been granted the right to smoke medical marijuana on campus to relieve medical conditions. 45,000 students are pre-registering for their courses this semester in hopes of getting a contact high.