Top 5 Things President Bush was Thinking at the Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial Dedication

5) "I always thought "I Have a Dream" was a hit single by the Shondells."

4) "During the march on Washington, daddy made us all hide in the basement for a week."

3) "I have to smile and look happy; the Democrats control Congress now."

2) "You know, Oprah really is hotter than Condi."

1) "Wow, I wonder what it was like to be a king?"

Bush Meets Iraq Study Group
President Bush says he was impressed with the "tough questions" members of the Iraq Study Group asked him at the White House. Apparently, the members of the Iraq Study Group asked him how to spell "Iraq."

Pelosi Picks Murtha
Nancy Pelosi, the soon-to-be Speaker of the House, has endorsed Representative John Murtha to be the next House majority leader, overstepping current deputy Steny Hoyer. But Hoyer will receive a year's supply of Rice-a-Roni and Turtelwax.

Studying Abroad
U.S. college students are studying abroad in record numbers, including a 53% increase in those going to India and 35% more going to China. Well, they might as well go to school where the jobs are.

Angry Firefighters
A male firefighter in Minneapolis has become the fourth person to sue the fire chief, who is lesbian, claiming that she discriminated against him because he is heterosexual. But the chief says all she's doing is telling the men "to be more useful with their hoses."

Angry Firefighters II
A male firefighter in Minneapolis has become the fourth person to sue the fire chief, who is lesbian, claiming that she discriminated against him because he is heterosexual. Dammit, it's the straight firemen who do the sexual harassing in America, doesn't she know that?!?

Threatening Letter Arrest
The FBI says a man in California has been arrested for mailing threatening letters laced with white powder to Nancy Pelosi, David Letterman, Chuck Schumer, and John Stewart. Well, at least he was smart enough not to waste his time with President Bush or Jay Leno.

U2 in Church
Many churches have begun using music by U2 as part of their services. I don't know about you, but I'm joining the one that does "Party Girl."

Giuliani in '08
Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani has taken the first steps toward a possible 2008 presidential bid by forming a exploratory committee, lining up donors, and getting all his mistresses to shut the Hell up.

Giuliani in '08 II
Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani has taken the first steps toward a possible 2008 presidential bid by forming a exploratory committee, lining up donors, and having all his Republican opponents arrested on "quality of life" charges.

**WARNING R-RATED CONTENT BELOW***

Sexual Discomfort
According to a new report, women who suffer from vaginal itching, burning or swelling after sex may actually be having an allergic reaction to their partner's semen, but the remedy is to have sex every two to three days. Sorry guys, but that's NOT the remedy for women suffering from oral itching, burning and swelling.