BREAKING NEWS!!!

Britney Spears has filed for divorce from her husband Kevin Federline, citing irreconcilable differences. Yeah, Britney is the only one with a career.

The Britney Spears divorce announcement has hit the American TV news networks at the worst possible time as they were all too busy covering the frivolous midterm elections.

Sanford Turned Away
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford was not allowed to vote early Tuesday because he didn't have his voter registration card. An embarrassed Sanford told reporters that "now he knows what it's like to be a regular guy,"... actually now he knows what it's like to be a black guy.

Voter Attacked
A poll worker in Louisville, Kentucky was arrested Tuesday and charged with assault for allegedly choking a voter and pushing him out the door. Witnesses say the victim keep bugging the poll worker for more of those free "I Voted!" buttons.

Voter Attacked II
A poll worker in Louisville, Kentucky was arrested Tuesday and charged with assault for allegedly choking a voter and pushing him out the door. Witnesses say the victim kept asking if this line for Louisville football tickets.

Democrat Worries
Some Democrats worry that overly optimistic forecasts about the midterm elections could be setting the stage for a demoralizing result. Well, now they know how the Republicans feel about the war in Iraq.

Virginia Allegations
The FBI is looking into allegations of voter intimidation by Republicans in Virginia, after several voters complained of phone calls attempting to misdirect and confuse them. Experts say those voters apparently have their telephones confused with the Fox News Channel.

Indian Marriage Poll
According to a new poll, nearly two-thirds of young Indian men expect the woman they marry to be a virgin, but nearly half of these men have had sex with prostitutes... and that is why it is so hard for prostitutes to get married in India.

Jury Duty Problem
Jury candidates in the city of Tulare, California who fail to show up are now being warned that they could be arrested for contempt of court. But this won't solve anything because most people facing jury duty would rather go to jail.