KFC Change
KFC is eliminating trans fats from its chicken, promising to use only soybean oil by this April. KFC customers are expected to respond to the healthier choices by ordering twice as much food during every visit.

To 5 New KFC Ad Slogans

5) "Severed Finger Lickin' Good"

4) "We Were Originally known as 'Kentucky Fried Possum'... Still Worried About Trans Fats?"

3) "Jesus Never Cared About No Cholesterol"

2) "Fewer Trans Fats, More Meat from Cats!"

1) "The Colonel Died of a Heart Attack... Who Says You Deserve Better?"

Reese and Ryan Kaput
Oscar winner Reese Witherspoon and "Flags of Our Fathers" star Ryan Phillippe are separating after more than seven years of marriage. The couple has already agreed to share time with their two children, but they're expected to wage a bitter custody battle over their communal hair.

Weird Things We're Seeing on the Campaign Trail

5) Republicans up for re-election telling the White House they're "too busy washing their hair," when President Bush comes to town.

4) Nancy Pelosi getting the "Speaker of the House Face-lift Special" at the plastic surgery clinic

3) Worried Republicans countering Michael J. Fox's campaign for Democrats with videotaped scenes from "Family Ties" where Alex P. Keaton espouses conservative principles

2) Candidates actually getting attacked for going to Playboy parties... this is America, not Afghanistan

1) Depressed incumbents about to face losing their jobs and having to sell their houses on the depressed Washington D.C. real estate market

Pentagon PR Campaign
Responding to intense criticism over the war in Iraq, the Pentagon is boosting its public relations staff, starting a quick "rapid response" operation on news programs, and sending spokespeople across the country. Gee, maybe if they responded to problems in Iraq this way we'd win the actual war.

New GOP White House Hopeful
Congressman Duncan Hunter, the chairman of the House Armed Services Committee, says he may run for the presidency in 2008. With all the money he's received from defense contractors over the years, Hunter says the least he could do is win the White House and start a few more wars.

Campaign Spam
More candidates in this midterm election are reaching out to the voters via email. So while I used to get all my spam from people trying to enlarge my penis; now I'm getting contacted by the penises directly!