Skilling Sentenced
Former Enron CEO Jeff Skilling has been sentenced to 24 years in prison for conspiracy and fraud. Skilling now has three months to file and appeal, three weeks to report to prison, and three days to fake his own death.

Iraq Timetable
Iraqi leaders have agreed to develop a timeline for when their forces would take full control of security in the country. Currently, that time is somewhere in between the year 3000 and when Hell freezes over.

Bush Speeches
President Bush has decided to stop using the "stay the course" phrase in his speeches about Iraq... mostly because he finally figured out what "stay the course" means.

New Terminology
The White House says President Bush will not longer stress "stay the course" as a central goal in Iraq, and instead will focus on "milestones" and "benchmarks." For example, instead of saying that yesterday marked the 2,800 American death in Iraq, President Bush will say that yesterday was when every American soldier remained alive for the entire war... except for those 2,800 who died.

Iraq Waiting
Pushing for patience on Iraq, the White House said Monday that, "the United States is not in the business of issuing ultimatums"... which comes as a great relief to Iran and North Korea.

TomKat Wedding
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have set November 18th as their wedding date. Apparently it will take another four weeks to complete Katie's hypnopsis.

Hillary Fires Back
Responding to claims from her election opponent that she used to be ugly and had plastic surgery, Hillary Clinton said that she was "cute" in high school. But the only person who thought so was Mark Foley.

Bush on CEO's
President Bush said Monday that he's "astounded" by some of the astronomical salaries for corporate CEO's. He was even more shocked when he learned that his policies are the reason why none of those CEO's pays any taxes.

Bathroom Policy
New York has agreed to allow trans-gendered people to use any bathroom they want at subway stations. But what are the odds of finding someone crazy enough to have a sex-change AND use a subway bathroom?