NFL Stadium Threat a Hoax
The Department of Homeland Security has deemed the Internet dirty bomb NFL stadium threat to be a hoax. That means the only remaining serious threat to NFL stadiums is drunken Eagles fans.

Bush Agrees with the Times
President Bush says he agrees with a New York Times editorial that the current rise in violence in Iraq is like the Tet offensive in Vietnam... in that he intends to ignore the problems in Iraq just like he ignored orders to serve in Vietnam.

Bush on Tet II
President Bush says the current rise in violence in Iraq may be compared to the Tet offensive in Vietnam, but he denied the violence means the campaign is failing. Of course, he also still denies that we failed in Vietnam.

Clinton on Bush
Bill Clinton on Wednesday criticized the Bush administration and leaders in Congress as, "narrow-minded, extremist drones bent only on helping their rich friends." Then he got back in his limosine and headed for his private box at the Barbara Streissand concert.

Mayor's Car Gets Jacked
An aide to New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg, who was driving the mayor's Lexus, was carjacked on Wednesday in Hackensack, New Jersey. Democrats say the incident is proof that the Metropolitan Area is fully engulfed in civil war.

FEMA Response
FEMA units responded to the Hawaiian earthquake with their biggest deployment since Hurricane Katrina. Yeah, it's a complete mystery as to why so many FEMA workers were so desperate to get to there.

New Bible Tapes
Samuel L. Jackson will be the voice of God in a new audio presentation of the Bible that will be geared toward black Christians. Hopefully, they won't be shocked when God repeatedly calls Moses a motherf**ker.

Gun-Toting Immigrant
A Korean woman hoping to become a U.S. citizen, was arrested after arriving at her naturalization ceremony with a gun in her purse. She may now not become a citizen, but she has the inside track on becoming a U.S. high school teacher.