North Korea Sanctions
The U.S. is currently considering several types of sanctions against North Korea in response to its nuclear test. They include freezing bank accounts, banning all non-humanitarian imports, and sending Mark Foley to Pyong-yang.

Nuke Test Mishap?
U.S. officials believe something went wrong with North Korea's nuclear test. But it's hard to tell, because all of North Korea looks like it's just been hit by a nuclear bomb.

Torre Stays
The New York Yankees have decided to keep Joe Torre as manager despite this weekend's shocking playoff loss to the Detroit Tigers. Yankee officials cited many reasons for the decision, including Torre's career record, his popularity with the fans, and the fact that George Steinbrenner has recently started taking a lot more medication.

Med Diet
A new medical study shows that people eating a Mediterranean diet have a better chance of avoiding Alzheimer's Disease. No wonder there will never be peace between the Arabs and Jews; nobody in the Middle East can ever forget anything!

Hastert's Pledge
House Speaker Dennis Hastert has vowed to fire any of his staffers who covered up the Mark Foley scandal. While he's at it, he's also threatening to fire any aides who convinced him to support the war in Iraq, tax cuts for the rich, and illegal immigration.

Allen's Options
Virginia Senator George Allen is now accused of not reporting stock options he was awarded as a board member of a tech company. Allen is making things worse by using a questionable defense; insisting that ever since he found out he was Jewish, profit just means more to him than government.