A-Rod Takes the Blame
Yankee third baseman Alex Rodriguez is taking the bulk of the criticism after New York lost in the first round of the baseball playoffs. But at least Rodriguez now has more time for his off-season job; political adviser to Mark Foley.

Torre Out?
Published reports say Yankee owner George Steinbrenner wants to fire manager Joe Torre. Luckily, Torre's long experience leading a bunch of overpaid underachievers should get him a new job as CEO of Halliburton.

Jeter's Off-Season
Yankee captain Derek Jeter will spend much of the off-season promoting his new cologne. The fragrance smells exactly like Alex Rodriguez's tears.

Top 5 Yankee Excuses

5) Top sluggers too busy counting their money to go to batting practice

4) George Steinbrenner is so cute when he's angry

3) Complaining about your teammates to Sports Illustrated is a lot more fun than winning the World Series

2) Mark Foley kept text-messaging the team bat boy all season

1) They've just run out of ways to cheat

T.O. Toasted
The Philadelphia Eagles beat the Dallas Cowboys Sunday in Terrell Owens' much-anticipated return to Philly. The Eagles stuffed T.O. by keeping him away from the ball and the local pharmacy.

Pope's Message
Pope Benedict XVI moved away from focusing on radical Islam and spoke out against gays today, calling them the greatest threat to marriage; which makes sense because gays routinely do things like suicide bombing wedding receptions.