NFL Stadium Threat
The Department of Homeland Security says there is a terrorist threat against NFL stadiums. The result will be beefed-up security at all sites except for Raiders games; the terrorists are too afraid to go there.

Lay's Conviction Overturned
A federal judge has overturned former Enron CEO Ken Lay's fraud conviction because Lay died before he could appeal. Jeff Skilling responded to the news by asking to take flying lessons over Manhattan.

Space Policy
President Bush has signed a new National Space Policy that asserts a right to deny access to space to any "hostile to U.S. interests." This could put a wrench in Pakistan's plans to send a man to the Moon in a Yellow Cab.

Madonna Adoption
While Madonna insists she followed the law in adopting a one-year old Malawian boy, the boy's father said "everything has happened so fast" that he didn't realize he was permanently giving up his only child. Actually, what he didn't realize was that he could have asked for a lot more than $5 and a working toilet.

Iceland Whaling
Iceland said Tuesday that it would resume commercial whaling, defying a world-wide ban. Actually, it's a smokescreen... Iceland really just want to make a nuclear bomb.

Pimp Convicted
A New York man, who pimped a 15 year-old girl and then tried to persuade her not to testify against him because he loved her more than "grits and eggs," was sentenced Tuesday to eight years in prison. Coincidentally, "grits and eggs" is what his new cellmates will be calling his penis.

Lance and Matthew?
Lance Armstrong is denying rumors that he had a homosexual affair with Matthew McConaughey after he broke up with Sheryl Crow. Steroids make you crazy, but not THAT crazy.