NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday

Gun Safety Class
A suburban school district in Texas that has been teaching students to attack a gunman if he invades a classroom said it has halted the program... mostly because most of those kids ended up beating up their armed parents when they came to pick them up from school.

Sex Disease
New Scientist magazine reported that researchers are struggling to understand a rare medical condition where sufferers have sex while they're asleep. The name of the disease is called "marriage."

Ancient Footprints
Researchers say newly-found ancient human footprints discovered in the Mexican desert may be among the oldest in the Americas. The second oldest are the footprints of the ancient border patrol agents who were chasing after them.

Life Clock
There's a new website called deathclock.com which estimates how much time users have left to live. Of course, you could always get that information from the people at your health insurance company.

Border Fence
President Bush signed a bill Thursday authorizing the construction of a fence along 700 miles of the U.S.-Mexico border. On the other 1,400 miles of the border, the U.S. will continue using the highly successful "honor system."

Fatter = More Gas
A new report says the rise in obesity is forcing Americans to use more gas. So THAT'S why they sell all those cheap donuts at the gas station!

Fatter = More Gas II
A new report says the rise in obesity is forcing Americans to use more gas. And the rise in obesity is responsible for more Americans giving off gas too.

Pricey Stadium
The NFL says the cost of a new or renovated stadium in the Los Angeles area could top $1 billion. That's $500 million for the stadium, and $500 million in traffic control for all the L.A. fans that'll be leaving during the third quarter.