Kerry Clarifies
John Kerry is insisting that his comment about how people who "don't study in school end up stuck in Iraq" was a botched joke directed at President Bush, not soldiers. But the only botched joke Kerry is responsible for is his 2004 presidential campaign.

Kerry Clarifies II
John Kerry is insisting that his comment about how people who "don't study in school end up stuck in Iraq" was not directed at U.S. soldiers. Actually, what he meant to say was that people who don't study in school end up working on his staff.

Abstinence for Everyone
The federal government is now targeting unmarried adults up to age 29, in addition to teens, as part of its taxpayer-funded abstinence-only programs. Apparently, the government wants to be the only one screwing us.

Top 5 Slogans in the Government's Adult Abstinence Campaign

5) "Hey, save yourself for your Congressman!"

4) "Al Qaeda is Plotting to Destroy America and You're Having Sex?"

3) "Keep Your Pants On for a Better America!"

2) "If George and Laura Bush Can Stay Celibate for 26 Years, So Can You!"

1) "You'd Look Good in a Burka!"

Katsav Defiant
Israeli President Moshe Katsav is refusing to step down, even though several women have accused him of rape. Instead, Katsav is advising angry Israeli citizens to just "relax and enjoy it."

Hubble Rescue
NASA has approved sending a space shuttle to repair the 16-year-old Hubble Space Telescope. This reverses an earlier decision to just let it sit until the guys from tech support in India get their own space program.

North Korea to Return
North Korea has agreed to rejoin six-nation talks on its nuclear weapons program. It's something the U.S. State Department is calling a major victory, because now the diplomats can get the six-person Pu Pu Platter special at every working lunch.