NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday

Bechtel Pulls Out
The Bechtel corporation, an American engineering and contracting firm, has just pulled out of Iraq after completing its last rebuilding job and collecting a total of $2.3 billion in government contracts since 2003. The U.S. army will now be redeployed to help secure the company's executive washroom.

Crooked Deputies
Virginia prosecutors say a local sheriff covered up a scheme in which his deputies sold seized guns and drugs to the public. In their defense, they did sell them at a significant discount.

Anna Nicole Squatting
A South Carolina man is trying to evict Anna Nicole Smith, who he says is living illegally in his home in the Bahamas. Experts say the best way to do that is to dangle a chicken leg and a plastic surgeon out of the window.

Relaxed Carry On Rules
British air transit officials will once again allow toothpaste and some liquids in carry-on beginning Monday. Wait, the British have toothpaste?

Cruise Control
Tom Cruise is now in charge of United Artists, a division of MGM. The studio is expected to show a profit right away as it will eliminate its current $1 billion in annual spending on psychiatric drugs for its executives.

Top 5 Movies at United Artists Under Tom Cruise

5) The Dianetics Code

4) Some Like Them Brainwashed

3) Born on the 4th of July, (in the Year 12,008 on the Alien Calendar)

2) The Passion of L. Ron Hubbard

1) One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest II: The Scientology Ward