BREAKING NEWS!!! RUMSFELD STEPPING DOWN

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has just announced that he is stepping down. Democrats have now upgraded themselves from "giddy" to "euphoric."

Rumsfeld is apparently leaving the Pentagon to go back to private life, spend more time with his family, and dodge the six dozen subpoenas he was about to get now that the Democrats control Congress.

President Bush has picked former CIA Director Bob Gates to replace Donald Rumsfeld. Gates is the President of Texas A&M University, so he has a lot of experience with controlling hostile and unruly mobs.

Experts say President Bush has overlooked a much better candidate to replace Donald Rumsfeld as Defense Secretary. He's a man who's used to being over-scrutinized, a man who already faced impossible challenges and lived through them, a man who suddenly has a lot of time on his hands. That man is Kevin Federline.

Rumsfeld is expected to take a job in the corporate world... possibly with one of the oil companies for whom he has already been working as a government lobbyist for the last six years anyway.

Virginia Recount
Democrat James Webb's razor-thin victory in the Virginia senate race almost surely means there will be a recount. That should give George Allen more than enough time to say something else stupid.

Montana Race
Democrat Jon Tester has declared victory in his tight race for the U.S. Senate seat in Montana, claiming he has 3,000 more votes than the incumbent. Wait, are there even 3,000 people in Montana?

White House Changes
President Bush has acknowledged that the change of power in Congress will force some changes at the White House, most notably the hiring of Samuel L. Jackson as his lead speechwriter.

Bush Upset
President Bush was reportedly "disappointed" when he was informed by Karl Rove that Democrats had regained control of the House... that was because Rove interrupted the President while this morning's broadcast of "Spongebob Squarepants" to tell him.

Lohan Crash
Lindsay Lohan crashed her car again Tuesday night while trying to escape photographers. I'm beginning to think the paparazzi really work for Geico.

Cruise Dinner
Tom Cruise recently spent $10,000 for a steak dinner with Katie Holmes at Mastro's Steakhouse in Beverly Hills. That's what it cost for two steaks, a bottle of wine, and 15 minutes with the restaurants roaming band of Scientology brain-washers.

Chinese Dog Laws
Authorities are now saying that families in China will be allowed only one dog in an effort to stamp out rabies. That's opposed to a similar rule in North Korea, that's been enacted in an effort to stamp out indigestion.

U.N. at MSG
Ambassador John Bolton brought members of the U.N. Security Council to Madison Square Garden Tuesday night to see the Knicks play. The Council immediately enacted economic sanctions against Isiah Thomas right after the game.

New Term
Former 'N Sync member Lance Bass has inspired a new term for gay celebrities who are outed by the media, which is called being "lanced." That's opposed to the old term for being outed by people at a cowboy bar, which is still called being "stabbed."