Sunday, December 31, 2006

Times Square New Year's Eve
About a million people have gathered in New York's Times Square to ring in 2007. Instead of a giant crystal ball, the new year will be marked by the dropping of Saddam's Hussein's lifeless body.

Crowds in Washington
Thousands of people are lining up outside the Capitol Building... but they're going to be very upset when they find out it's not James Brown in that casket.

Top 5 Things Overheard on the Line to View Former President Gerald R. Ford

5) "I don't care if he is dead, I'm gonna slug him one for giving us Jimmy Carter"

4) "You see, there really was such a thing as a moderate Republican"

3) "We're going out drinking with Betty later."

2) "He wasn't the greatest president, but he was genius to invent that Model-T"

1) "I'm really, really going to miss him; I was his orthopedic surgeon"

Low Blow
A 34-year-old North Carolina woman has been charged with attacking and castrating a man during a Christmas party last week. The woman faces 10 years in prison and a four-year stint as the new district attorney of Durham County.

Saturday, December 30, 2006


Saddam Hussein was executed by hanging in the pre-dawn hours today. They would have sent him to the electric chair, but Iraq hasn't had electricity since 2003.

Hussein wanted to keep clutching his copy of the Koran during the execution, but right wing radio host Dennis Prager demanded he replace it with a Bible.

It's still not decided where they bury Saddam's body. So let this be a lesson to all of you dictators who haven't already bought cemetery plots.

Iraqi Shiites are celebrating Hussein's execution today... for them, that's one Sunni down, 9.1 million to go.

President Bush says Saddam's execution should "serve as a lesson" to all Americans... especially Nancy Pelosi.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Ford Ceremonies
In a poignant tribute to the late President Gerald Ford, his body will lie in state in the U.S. Capitol. And in an even more poignant tribute, his casket will be dropped from the top of the steps of Air Force One.

Cloned Food Allowed
The FDA has approved meat and milk from cloned animals for human consumption. Now they just have to clone the three people in America willing to eat that crap.

Brown Viewing
As thousands of people made their way to the Apollo Theater in Harlem to pay their final respects to James Brown, the Rev. Al Sharpton is keeping a constant vigil beside the late singer's body. It's the only way Sharpton can make sure he gets all of Brown's leftover hair gel.

Weapons to Palestine
Egypt has sent a large shipment of weapons to forces loyal to Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas. Abbas says he needs the weapons to fend off violent challenges from Hamas, and it made sense to get them during the after-Christmas terrorist arms sales when all the stores are cutting prices like crazy.

L.A. Winds
Wind gusts as high as 70 MPH are causing major damage throughout Southern California. Usually, Hollywood doesn't produce this much hot air until Oscar night.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Ford Dies
Former President Gerald Ford is dead at age 93... putting an end to any chances of a pardon for Saddam Hussein.

President Bush took time out this morning to pay tribute to Ford. The two of them had a lot in common, neither was ever elected President by the American people.

Gerald Ford truly was an impressive man; most Fords usually die after 5 years or 50,000 miles.

President Ford will always be remembered for his greatest gifts to the world: federal anti-inflation measures, the Helsinki Accords, and foam-padded tarmacs.

Gerald Ford's death is a bittersweet moment for this country. We mourn the loss of this rare dignified statesman, but relish the fact that no one has any reason to laugh at Chevy Chase ever again.

Top 5 Things that Would Have Happened if Ford Hadn't Pardoned Nixon

5) Nixon would have spent his first five years behind bars helping the warden bug the prison phone system

4) President Carter would have ordered a military mission to rescue him from prison... resulting in total failure and the deaths of all involved

3) President George H.W. Bush would have given him unsupervised weekend furloughs... with Willie Horton

2) President Clinton would have made the moves on Pat

1) President George W. Bush would have successfully invaded Nixon's prison, but failed to find any evidence of him

The Hajj Begins
More than 1.6 million Muslims have gathered in Mecca to worship for the Hajj. Usually to see this many Muslims crowded together you have to go to Guantanamo Bay.

The Hajj Begins II
More than 1.6 million Muslims have gathered in Mecca to worship for the Hajj. In 2005, 250 people were trampled during the ceremonies. Last year, 360 were trampled. This year they're going for a new record!

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Fuel Scavengers
At least 200 people were killed outside Lagos, Nigeria, in a massive explosion and fire that ignited as crowds carried away refined fuel from a tapped fuel pipeline. Americans are horrified by the news; this could mean gas will go back over $3 a gallon.

Fuel Scavengers II
At least 200 people were killed outside Lagos, Nigeria, in a massive explosion and fire that ignited as crowds carried away refined fuel from a tapped fuel pipeline. The area is a horrific scene of carnage and chaos, but it's not as bad as the returns & exchanges line today at J.C. Penney's.

James Brown's "Son"
A tearful Rev. Al Sharpton is mourning James Brown, saying the soul singer was "the father he never had." Well, now we know Brown must have died of embarrassment.

Saddam Execution
The Iraqi high court has ruled that Saddam Hussein's execution must take place before January 27... mostly because they can't find any U.S. soldiers willing to guard him during the Super Bowl.

Monday, December 25, 2006

James Brown Dead
"Godfather of Soul" James Brown died today at age 73. The cause of death is not clear, but apparently his pants finally suffocated him.

James Brown Dead II
"Godfather of Soul" James Brown died today at age 73. Luckily, his hair is expected to live on for at least another five decades.

Bush Holiday Calls
President Bush took time out this Christmas to personally phone 10 American soldiers and thank them for their service to our country. The troops say they appreciated the calls, even though the White House reversed the charges.

Roadblocks Lifted
Israel agreed today to remove some of the military roadblocks that have hindered Palestinian travel in the West Bank. Experts say this will help Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas... as he tries to get the Hell out of the West Bank before Hamas assassinates him.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and! Here's the link: Newsday

Gates in Iraq
New Secretary of Defense Robert Gates says he's learning a lot as he tours Iraq and speaks with some of the troops. Unfortunately, he will now have to rush back to the Pentagon to oversee peace-keeping units being deployed between Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump.

Denver Storm
The Denver area remains paralyzed after it was hit with a major blizzard yesterday. The storm is especially rough, considering how unfamiliar people in Colorado are with snow.

Ahmadinejad Setback
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's rivals have won a sweeping victory in local elections. Ahmadinejad has responded with a hastily-called conference on whether Hanukkah is a myth.

Obesity Cause?
Two new studies show that colonies of bacteria could be responsible for obesity. Stunningly, those microbes are most often found in bags of Twinkies and cans of Old Milwaukee.

Blair's Call
British Prime Minister Tony Blair is calling on moderate leaders in the Middle East to form an alliance against extremist powers in the region. And after speaking with those moderate leaders, he then contacted Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Great Pumpkin.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Sex Survey
A new survey shows that nine out of 10 Americans has had premarital sex. The survey also shows that only one out of 10 Americans is having marital sex.

Goldman Sachs Bonus
Goldman Sachs Chairman and Chief Executive Lloyd Blankfein is getting a record $53.4 million bonus for 2006. He has a choice of taking his holiday bonus in cash or getting 1.6 million honey-glazed hams.

Professor Spy
Professor Carlos Alvarez of Florida International University admitted Tuesday that he's been a Cuban spy since the 1970's. For four decades, he's been giving the Castro government valuable information on how to throw a frat party, and where to find good term papers on the Internet.

Johnson Recovery
Doctors say South Dakota Senator Tim Johnson's recovery has been exceeding expectations. Just this morning, he ate on his own, sat up on his own, and introduced a bill calling for a Congressional pay raise on his own.

Couple Q&A

This Sunday, the New York Times published 15 questions every couple should ask each other before they get married. Here is how one soon-to-be-married man answered:

1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

"We will adopt a hot 17-year old Korean chick I saw on the Internet. I will be the primary caregiver."

2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

"I currently owe $117,000 to a guy named 'Fast Louie.' My idea is to stiff him as long as I can until we get accepted into the witness protection program. Does that work for you?"

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

"You will balance the checkbook, cook the meals, and clean the house. I will promise not to pee on the seat."

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

"My maternal grandfather believed he was Kaiser Wilhelm I until his dying day. And so will I!"

5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

"I can be convinced to cuddle after sex, as long as we install a flat screen TV on the ceiling so I don't miss any important sporting events."

6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

"As long as we maintain our subscription to the Penthouse Forum and read it together nightly, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out what I want."

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?

"See question #5."

8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

"What was that? Sorry, I was looking at porn on the Internet."

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

"I expect us to worship Satan. If you have a problem with that, you can take it up with the Dark Lord himself."

10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

"Wait, you have friends?"

11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

"Well, I do think your mom's kind of hot."

12) What does my family do that annoys you?

"I hate how your brother makes me look bad all the time because, you know, he has a job."

13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

"My collection of ancient mummified heads from the Mayan Age stays in the living room, everything else is negotiable."

14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

"You knew I was a Chippendale's dancer when we met... travel is always required."

15) Do each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

"I'm as committed as any man can be; ask any of my 6 ex-wives."

Al Qaeda Message
Al-Qaeda deputy leader Ayman al-Zawahri told the United States on Wednesday that it was negotiating with the wrong people in Iraq, and that Washington should be talking to his terror group. Zawahiri says he's willing to speak with any American representatives, provided they come unarmed and wearing blindfolds.

Non-Wheat Beer
Anheuser-Busch has introduced Redbridge, a new beer for people with wheat allergies. For years, people with wheat allergies have had to deal with terrible reactions when they drink too much regular beer, like dizziness, nausea, and hangovers.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Laura Bush Surgery
The White House announced this week that Laura Bush underwent surgery to remove a skin cancer tumor in November. Doctors said the operation was easy, especially since the Bush administration has kept her in a perpetual state of anesthesia since 2000.

Stiffed by Uncle Sam
Despite their heroic efforts on 9/11, New York City firefighters and paramedics may soon be denied additional health care coverage by the federal government. So to ensure they get as much government aid as possible, they're all going to climb Mount Hood and hole up in a snow cave.

Top 5 Things Overheard During Donald Trump's Meeting with Miss USA

5) "Touch my hair and all is forgiven"

4) "I'd like you to personally thank the three people in America who still watch 'The Apprentice"

3) "Let's do Jagermeister shots after lunch"

2) "Turn in your sash, tiara, and breast implants"

1) "Ah who am I kidding? Just take your clothes off and we'll call it even."

Palestinian Infighting
Hamas and Fatah gunmen continue to shoot each other in Gaza as fighting between the rival Palestinian groups enters its second week. Palestinian leaders are reminding their followers that all this killing is robbing their children of the chance to become suicide bombers.

Cheney Subpoenaed
Vice President Dick Cheney will be called as a defense witness in the CIA leak case. The first question he will be asked is: "who's the father of Mary's baby?"

Delta Reorganization Plan
Delta Air Lines disclosed details Tuesday of its plan to reorganize and emerge from bankruptcy. The plan includes new ideas like "being on time" and "not crashing."

Regan's Remarks
The bad news for book publisher Judith Regan is there is now evidence that she was fired for making anti-Semitic remarks about her bosses. The good news is Mel Gibson has finally agreed to work with her on his memoirs.

Mount Hood Latest
Hopes are fading fast for the still-missing climbers somewhere atop Mount Hood. But they're not fading as fast as the hopes of TV news executives who wanted to keep covering this story instead of the real news until the end of Christmas vacation.

Monday, December 18, 2006

NBA Suspensions
NBA commissioner David Stern has suspended seven players for a total of 57 games in response to the brawl that took place at the end of a New York Knicks-Denver Nuggets game this weekend. The suspended players will spend their unscheduled time off attending their paternity hearings.

Isiah Gets Off
Knicks coach Isiah Thomas was not punished. The league realized that keeping him at the helm is punishment enough for everyone.

Top 5 North Korean Demands at Nuclear Talks

5) Will drop their nuclear weapons program if someone shows them how to use a microwave oven

4) Set Kim Jong Il up with that hot chick from "Heroes"

3) Soft toilet paper

2) Get Condi Rice a better dentist

1) One word: McKimchi

U.S.-India Nuke Deal
President Bush has signed a nuclear deal with India, allowing fuel and know-how to be shared by the two countries. It's the first step in his ultimate plan to outsource the war in Iraq.

Ahmadinejad Hit Hard
Partial returns from Friday’s Iranian elections suggest that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had experienced a major setback. Exit polls show the Iranian people loved Ahmadinejad's Holocaust denial program, they just weren't wild about his food, employment, and freedom denial program.

Ahmadinejad Hit Hard II
Partial returns from Friday’s Iranian elections suggest that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had experienced a major setback. In response to losing the midterm elections, Ahmadinehad says he's willing to listen to recommendations from the new "Holocaust Denial Study Group."

Crime Up
Murders and robberies continue to rise across the country for the second year in a row. Instead of paying for more cops on the streets, the Bush administration is calling on all Americans to embrace its "abstinence from crime" program.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Mount Hood Tragedy
For those who say the Mount Hood climbers took a reckless gamble and it's wrong that so much money and effort was spent to find them, I say one thing: remember that the climbers took one very important precaution to ensure the authorities would work tirelessly to save them... they made sure everyone knew they were white and not from New Orleans.

Johnson Recovery
Doctors say Senator Tim Johnson has shown significant improvement after brain surgery. On Sunday, Johnson responded to voices, opened his eyes, and attended 17 fundraising dinners.

Johnson Recovery II
Doctors say Senator Tim Johnson shows "no significant brain damage after his emergency surgery last week. However, for some reason he now thinks he's a utility infielder for the 1974 Milwaukee Brewers.

Miss USA in Trouble
Donald Trump is hinting that he may have to strip reigning Miss USA Tara Conner of her crown. Conner has reportedly being acting so vulgarly in New York City bars, that Trump feels she is more qualified to be his next wife.

Episcopal Break
The Episcopal Church is facing a major split within the movement. One group supports continuing liberal reforms like accepting gays in the clergy, while the other group has been too drunk to notice the reforms in the first place.

Lilly Cover Up
Internal documents show that the drug maker Eli Lilly has engaged in a decade-long effort to play down the health risks of Zyprexa, its best-selling medication for schizophrenia. In his defense, the company's CEO is blaming the covering up one of his "evil" personalities.