Friday, September 28, 2007

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I was back in Thursday's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and! Here's the link: Newsday

Thursday, September 27, 2007

UN Intervenes
A U.N. rep is headed to Myanmar to try to stop the violence... which means the violent government crackdown will either continue indefinitely or be blamed on Israel.

Drug Rep Found Dead
The body of a missing Eli Lilly drug sales rep has been found in Illinois. Her family can pick up the body, as soon as they scrape together the $15 co-pay.

Nuns Booted
Six Catholic nuns in Arkansas have been excommunicated for heresy after refusing to give up membership in a sect whose founder claims to be possessed by the Virgin Mary. The Church vows to continue the excommunications until the sect is disbanded, or Notre Dame finally wins a football game, whichever comes first.

Cocaine Bust
L.A. police found a stash of guns, cocaine and cash hidden alongside toys in a day care center today. So THAT'S why those kids there were so well behaved.

World Cup Defeat
Brazil's 4-0 defeat of the U.S. delivered a stunning ending to the American women's World Cup dreams... but the news was even more stunning to 99.999% of American sports fans who didn't even know they were playing anyway.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Ninja Burglar
The so-called "ninja burglar" has broken into dozens of homes in Staten Island, shocking NYPD officers who didn't know there was anything on Staten Island worth stealing.

Stadium Name
Two Cubs fans in Chicago have named their newborn son "Wrigley." The child will need to be monitored for inevitable choking problems every October.

Space Germs
A new study shows that germs taken into space come back to Earth stronger and deadlier... mostly because they put on adult diapers and start stalking their human subjects.

Supreme Court on Lethal Injection
The Supreme Court will hear a challenge from two inmates on death row in Kentucky who claim lethal injection amounts to cruel and unusual punishment. The justices will have to decide whether being executed in Kentucky is more cruel than living in Kentucky.

Genius Grants
The MacArthur foundation has named the recipients of its annual "genius" grants. Every winner gets $500,000 to help continue their work, publish their findings, and finally get a date.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Ahmadinejad Speech
Before allowing Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to speak, Columbia University President Lee Bollinger cited all of the things the Iranian government does that Columbia finds unacceptable, including public executions of minors, imprisonment of gays, and the failure to charge $45,000 a year for college tuition.

During his remarks, Ahmadinejad said there are no homosexuals in Iran... which must make it very hard for him to date.

UAW Strike
73,000 UAW members started walking off the job at GM today, although it's unclear whether they were on strike or if they were just taking a break to pick up their Buicks from the shop for the eighth time this month.

Steroid Raid
Federal drug officials say they've raided 56 labs in the largest illegal steroid investigation in U.S. history. The raids have already led to arrests, fines, and the cancellation of the upcoming Major League Baseball playoffs.

Trump on Bush
Donald Trump says the best thing President Bush can do for the Republican party in 2008 is to go into "hiding." Trump learned that last year when NBC asked him to do the same thing.

Tyson Charged
Mike Tyson has pleaded guilty to drug and drunk driving charges. That's in addition to his outstanding indictment for tattooing under the influence.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Mime Dies
Marcel Marceau died Saturday. In his honor, all of the world's mimes
will observe a moment of noise.

Ahmadinejad Protest
10,000 protesters are expected in New York City tomorrow as Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is scheduled to speak at the UN and Columbia University. Some demonstrators are angry over what Ahmadinejad reportedly plans to do to Israel, but most are just furious over what he's already going to do to traffic in midtown Manhattan.

Ahmadinejad promises to bring "correct and clear information" to the American people... including the fact that he's been told "Member's Only" jackets are still in style.

Tattoo Remorse
A new survey shows that 24% of Americans with tattoos regret having gotten them... while 100% of decent Americans regret having to see them.

Auto Talks
GM and the UAW are reportedly in the final stages of new contract negotiations. Apparently, the sticking point is the two sides can't agree on how many union workers are needed to make the three actual cars GM will probably sell all of next year.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

FedEx Profits
FedEx says the current mortgage crisis is hurting company profits... I guess because too many people are choosing to live in their boxes rather than sending stuff in them.

Subway Cell Phones
Some telecom providers are getting ready to offer cell phone service on the New York City subway. The ad campaign will be: "Can you smell me now?"

Newt's Pledge
Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich says he might run for president if supporters will pledge $30 million by November. And if he doesn't run for president, he'll still send every donor a free mug and tote bag.

Jena Protest
Thousands of chanting demonstrators filled the streets of Jena, Louisiana today in support of six black teenagers charged with beating a white classmate. But this is just a rehearsal for when O.J. Simpson is formally charged next week.

Star Wars Slur
Hillary Clinton is calling Vice President Dick Cheney, "Darth Vader." She should know after all the years she's been married to Jabba the Hut.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

O.J. Charges
O.J. Simpson has now been charged with 11 felonies, including kidnapping, robbery, and resurrecting Court TV.

The judge has set bail for O.J. Simpson at $125,000... and so, O.J. Simpson's soiled prison outfit is now on sale for $125,000 on

Lebanon Assassination
Another anti-Syrian politician in Lebanon has been killed in another mysterious car bombing, casting a dark cloud over that Lebanon's fragile democracy, not to mention the whole Beirut real estate market.

Jackson vs. Obama
Jesse Jackson is blasting Senator Barack Obama for "pretending to be white," while Obama is blasting Jackson for pretending that anyone gives a damn what he says anymore.

College Aid Bill
Democratic leaders have formally signed a $20 billion college aid bill that will boost federal grants for low-income students, lower interest rates for student loans, and give colleges and universities yet another excuse to raise tuition next year.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Top 5 Shocking Revelations in Alan Greenspan's New Book

5) From the days of Gerald Ford all the way to George W. Bush, he never washed his hands when using the White House bathroom.

4) "Irrational Exuberance" is actually a phrase his wife coined the last time he used Viagra.

3) Basically, he created the housing bubble because he's hot for that chick on "Extreme Makeover Home Edition."

2) He actually doesn't know the difference between a stock and a bond.

1) Usually consulted Tony Soprano before making any interest rate decisions.

Student Tasered
A University of Florida student was Tasered and arrested at a speech given by U.S. Senator John Kerry... meaning he was a lot luckier than everyone else who stayed to hear the rest of Kerry's speech.

Don't Know Much...
A new study shows that less than half of college seniors knew that Yorktown was the battle that ended the American Revolution or that NATO was formed to resist Soviet expansion. That's because colleges are much too busy teaching students more important things like how all white men are evil and why they should boycott Coke.

Food Prices
Pasta, bread and even Twinkies cost more as bad weather is creating higher wheat prices across the board. Great, now even God is making me go on the Atkins diet.

Court Decision
Experts say the European court's decision to reject Microsoft's anti-trust appeal bodes ill for other American companies that import controversial items into Europe like software, food, and deodorant.

Monday, September 17, 2007

O.J. in Solitary
O.J. Simpson is currently being held in isolation in the Las Vegas jail... mostly to keep him safe from Greta Van Susteren.

Men and Cleanliness
A new study shows that about 33% of men don't wash their hands after using the restroom. But 100% of men do lather up after using the restroom with Sen. Larry Craig.

Hillary's Plan
Hillary Clinton unveiled her $110 billion universal health care plan today, insisting that: ""Here in America people are dying because they couldn't get the care they needed when they were sick." Actually, in America people are dying because they couldn't get the care they needed after eating 11 Big Macs a week.

Several major corporations are backing Hillary Clinton's health care plan... mostly because they'll need someone else to care for all the Americans their poisoning with imported Chinese products.

France on Iran
France is warning that the West may need to go to war with Iran if it develops nuclear weapons, refuses democratic reforms, and continues to serve lamb without red wine.

Fast Food in China
McDonald's and KFC are both announcing major expansions in China. It's not clear if this is about making money, or if this is America's revenge for all those poisonous toys.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Made in China
I went to the toy store to buy something for my kid yesterday. When I was checking out, the cashier asked me if I wanted regular or unleaded.

Madonna in Israel
Pop singer Madonna met with Israeli President Shimon Peres in Israel this weekend. Within 15 minutes, Peres had already given her the West Bank and the Golan Heights.

Protesters Pinched
190 anti-war protesters were arrested in Washington Saturday. Apparently they think the best way to stop the war in Iraq is by punching out police officers.

UAW and GM
Labor talks have resumed between GM and the UAW. The auto workers want to keep their health care benefits, which is silly because you don't need health care insurance when your job is being moved to China.

Arctic Ice Melting
Satellite photos show that Arctic ice has shrunk to the lowest level on record. Scientists aren't sure if this rise in temperatures is due to erosion of the ozone layer or the death of Leona Helmsley.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and! Here's the link: Newsday

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Living Longer
The good news is that the life expectancy for Americans is nearly 78 years, the longest in U.S. history. The bad news is that most of us will spend the majority of that time waiting for delayed flights.

Freedom of Religion
A new poll shows that most Americans mistakenly believe the nation's founders wrote Christianity into the Constitution. In actuality, the founding fathers dictated that everyone in America was guaranteed freedom of religion, as long as they could afford a good Jewish lawyer.

New Ad Campaign
Wal-Mart is getting rid of its "Always low prices" slogan, in favor of a new slogan: "Imported Chinese Death."

Apple King
Burger King will now sell apple slices — served in a french-fry-like cup — to add a fresh fruit option to its menu. But they only come as part of a value meal with a bacon-triple cheeseburger and chocolate shake.

Painted Cabs
An arts group is covering New York City’s yellow taxicabs with colorful flower decals hand-painted by schoolchildren. Too bad painted flowers don't make cabs smell any better.