UN Intervenes
A U.N. rep is headed to Myanmar to try to stop the violence... which means the violent government crackdown will either continue indefinitely or be blamed on Israel.



Drug Rep Found Dead
The body of a missing Eli Lilly drug sales rep has been found in Illinois. Her family can pick up the body, as soon as they scrape together the $15 co-pay.



Nuns Booted
Six Catholic nuns in Arkansas have been excommunicated for heresy after refusing to give up membership in a sect whose founder claims to be possessed by the Virgin Mary. The Church vows to continue the excommunications until the sect is disbanded, or Notre Dame finally wins a football game, whichever comes first.



Cocaine Bust
L.A. police found a stash of guns, cocaine and cash hidden alongside toys in a day care center today. So THAT'S why those kids there were so well behaved.



World Cup Defeat
Brazil's 4-0 defeat of the U.S. delivered a stunning ending to the American women's World Cup dreams... but the news was even more stunning to 99.999% of American sports fans who didn't even know they were playing anyway.