Monday, April 30, 2007

Car Chase Ruling
The U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that police officers cannot be sued by suspects who lead them on car chases. But the court did rule that the suspects should get a cut when the police sell the dashboard camera footage to “Cops”, “America’s Funniest Home Videos”, and Headline News.

War Report
A report from an Israeli commission of inquiry on last summer's Lebanon war said Ehud Olmert entered the conflict uninformed and unprepared… but not as uninformed and unprepared as the New York Times.

Al Qaeda Raps Hamas
Al Qaeda leaders are publicly assailing Hamas for not waging all-out war against Israel. In their defense, Hamas leaders are reminding al Qaeda that Israel really isn’t as bad for Muslims as most Muslim countries.

Cobain Auction
Courtney Love, widow of Nirvana singer Kurt Cobain, says she plans to auction most of his belongings… including his 15-year-old daughter Frances.

Moss Wear
Supermodel Kate Moss is launching her own clothing line, featuring attire that “shows off your 15-inch waist but still covers all your track marks.”

RadioShack Profits
RadioShack reported better-than-expected first-quarter profits Monday as cost cuts helped offset weaker sales, and millions more Americans came into its stores to find the wire that connects the thingamabob to the doo-hickey.

Hasselbeck Preggers
Elisabeth Hasselbeck, a co-host on "The View," is pregnant again. The father is reportedly Rosie O’Donnell.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

No Sale
Yankee owner George Steinbrenner is vehemently denying rumors that he's going to sell the team. But the way the Yankees have been playing, he is thinking of donating them to the Salvation Army.

Weekend TV
Millions of Americans watched on TV this weekend as dozens of total amateurs hoped for a chance to make the big time... and after the Democratic presidential debate they watched the NFL draft.

Turkish Rally
At least 700,000 Turks took to the streets Sunday to protest an Islamist presidential candidate's plans to reinstate Muslim law in Turkey... this despite the fact that most Turkish women really look better with a burka.

Mosely Braun Attacked
Former Senator Carol Mosely Braun broke her wrist this weekend in an apparent mugging incident. But upon further review, it turned out it was just one the donors to her 2004 presidential campaign who wanted his money back.

Moss Traded
The Oakland Raiders have traded wide receiver Randy Moss to the New England Patriots. In return, the Raiders got a 4th round pick and a parole officer to be named later.

Attacker Apologizes
The 44-year old man arrested for brutally attacking a 101-year old woman and an 85-year old woman in Queens is apologizing for his actions and explaining that he was only trying to do his part to save Social Security.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Senate Bill
The House and Senate have passed an Iraq war funding bill that calls for U.S. troops to begin withdrawing by next March. It's the most irresponsible thing Congress has done since it reinstated Patrick Kennedy's parking pass.

Critics say the Iraq withdrawal bill is all part of the Democrats' "defeatist strategy"... although it's not as big a part of it as nominating John Kerry for president in 2004.

Spector Defense
Defense lawyers in Phil Spector's murder trial say police ignored evidence in the case. Gee, I don't know what it is about Phil that could have distracted them.

Colombia Blackout
A nationwide blackout has crippled the entire nation Colombia, with only 20% of the country's power restored. The news has sent wholesale cocaine prices soaring to $40,000 per kilo this afternoon in the trading pits on 177th St.

Kids at Work
Thousands of boys and girls swarmed office buildings Thursday as they took part in "Take our Children to Work Day" across the country. Participation in the event is growing, but it's still not as big as the NBA's "Take our Illegitimate Children to Work Day."

Strong Stuff
The U.S. government says the marijuana now being sold across the U.S. is stronger than ever before... which explains the growing number of marijuana-related medical emergencies, and the record profits at Taco Bell.

Olmert Accused
Israel's state comptroller called for Ehud Olmert to be investigated for allegedly offering political jobs to his friends. It's a shocking story to most experts who didn 't know Olmert had any friends.

Hagel's Statement
U.S. Sen. Chuck Hagel told an Arab American audience that his support for Israel was not "automatic" … so if he's lucky, Hagel might just get a local anaesthetic before they behead him.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Mrs. D'Amato's Perks
Controversy is swirling on Long Island after a town council voted to let Al D'Amato's wife Katuria continue to get full health care benefits for her part-time zoning board position. It turns out Katuria needs full-time care for the constant nausea and gagging commonly associated with being married to Al D'Amato.

McCain Candidacy
Senator John McCain officially announced his candidacy for president in New Hampshire today. Although it was less of an announcement than a cry for help.

Rosie Going
Rosie O'Donnell has announced she is leaving "The View"... which is too bad, since she was the show's only male cast member.

Iraq Numbers
Iraq's government is withholding figures on civilian deaths, thus forcing Congressional Democrats to talk more about Imus.

New Planet
Astronomers have for the first time discovered a planet outside our solar system that is potentially habitable... at least until the French find out about it.

Robbery Ring
Two 20-year-olds are on trial in New York City for allegedly targeting gay men to exploit and rob. It's kind of like working at a Democratic Party fundraiser.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Lethal Injections
A medical study shows that the drugs used to execute prisoners in the United States sometimes fail to work as planned, causing slow and painful deaths that probably violate constitutional bans on cruel and unusual punishment. A related medical study shows that nobody cares.

Heavy Costs
A new study shows that overweight workers cost their bosses more in injury claims than their lean colleagues... which explains why Ex-Lax has replaced the Snickers bars in the breakroom vending machine.

Iraqi Anger
College students in Baghdad have posted signs protesting the shooting deaths at Virginia Tech. The Iraqis are angry they didn't get the chance to do the shootings themselves.

Reid on Bush
Sentate Majority Leader Harry Reid says that: "No more will Congress turn a blind eye to the Bush administration's incompetence and dishonesty." Well, it's pretty hard to turn a blind eye to incompetence and dishonesty when you see it every day in the mirror.

House Testimony
Former Pfc. Jessica Lynch and the brother of Army Ranger Pat Tillman told a House panel today that the U.S. military lied about Tillman's death and Lynch's capture. Mirroring their policy on the war in Iraq, House Democrats invited Tilman and Lynch to speak, but refused to pay for their travel expenses.

Housing Market
The housing market hit a new bottom last month with sales of existing homes down 8.4%. Experts say the drop was due to tighter mortgage practices, higher inflation, and the fact that most houses "really smell like wet dog."

Yeltsin Dead
Former Russian President Boris Yeltsin died Monday at the age of 76. He outlived his liver by 16 years.

Yeltsin will always be remembered as the man who brought democracy to the former Soviet Union... and the man who took it away five years later.

Reid Blasts Bush
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says President Bush is in a "state of denial" about Iraq... a statement that would mean a lot more if Harry Reid weren't in a state of denial about America.

Texting Queen
13-year-old Morgan Pozgar was crowned the National Texting champion on Saturday after she typed "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" from "Mary Poppins" in 15 seconds. The competition was sponsored by drug companies hoping to market arthritis medications for kids.

Chinese Internet
Chinese President Hu Jintao has launched another campaign to crackdown on Internet content and make it a springboard for Communist Party doctrine. Because Communism and the Internet go together like a dominatrix at a toddler's birthday party.

Iraq Wall
Critics are blasting the U.S. military's plan to build a wall between Sunnis and Shiites in Baghdad. These are the same people who criticized the wall separating Israelis and Palestinians, metal detectors at airports, locks on bathroom doors, and the pasteurizing of milk.

DNA Benchmark
The New York-based "Innocence Project" is boasting that it has just used DNA to exonerate its 200th person since it began in 1989. In a related story, the nation's prosecutors have just used DNA to convict their 760,287th person in the same period of time.

Chase's Childhood
Chevy Chase says his parents abused and tortured him for most of his childhood. Usually, abused children grow up to abuse their own kids, but Chevy obviously decided to go into show business and get back at all of us.

Atkins Fight
The widow of diet guru Robert Atkins is countersuing the trustees of his estate, who want $8.7 million in back pay. She's also ignoring the millions of people still on her husband's diet, who just want to eat a decent meal.

Monday, April 23, 2007

French Runoff
Record-high turnout in France has led to a runoff between right-wing presidential candidate Nicolas Sarkozy and left-wing socialist Segolene Royal. Experts believe the winning candidate will be the one who is best able to unite the voters with snobbery, cowardice and Jew-hatred.

Manhattan Driving Fee
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg wants to charge a fee for driving in Manhattan... that's on top of the cost of the psychiatric medications most people need after driving in Manhattan.

Gonzales Doubted
Testifying before a Senate committee, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales insisted that he played only a small role in the firing of eight federal prosecutors, but many senators were skeptical of his answers. Of course, the senators are experts in lying.

Survivor China
It was reported that the next edition of Survivor will be set in China. The winner will be the contestant who is able to keep CBS' copyrighted material the longest without it getting pirated.

Red Carpert Hosts I
TV Guide Channel has announced that it is replacing Joan and Melissa Rivers at red-carpet events with Lisa Rinna. They wanted a different host, but someone with just as much plastic surgery.

Red Carpert Hosts II
TV Guide Channel has announced that it is replacing Joan and Melissa Rivers at red-carpet events. But somehow, I still think they'll still be spending eternity greeting people as they enter Hell.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

BlackBerry Outage
Millions of BlackBerry users lost service Tuesday night for more than 10 hours, until service was restored Wednesday morning. Most BlackBerry users spent the first few hours complaining about it, and the rest of the time meeting new people... like their wives and children.

Corzine Controversy
New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine is facing growing criticism after it was revealed that he wasn't wearing his seatbelt when his SUV crashed into a guardrail last week. And we thought it was only Governor McGreevey who didn't use protection.

Lost Whale
A 15 ton whale that apparently got lost during this week's nor'easter, got stranded Tuesday in Brooklyn's Gowanus Canal and died. Marine biologists say it was an especially dangerous place for the whale to be, since it is Gambino family territory.

Obama vs. Hillary
Federal records show that Barack Obama has more campaign staffers and consultants that his rival Hillary Clinton. Mostly because Obama's campaign hires men.

Horse Plans
Serbian officials plan to sedate more than 300 horses stabled at Belgrade's racecourse to keep them calm during a Rolling Stones concert. Well, it's either that or let him spend 5 minutes inhaling whatever comes out of Keith Richard's nostrils.