Yeltsin Dead
Former Russian President Boris Yeltsin died Monday at the age of 76. He outlived his liver by 16 years.

Yeltsin will always be remembered as the man who brought democracy to the former Soviet Union... and the man who took it away five years later.


Reid Blasts Bush
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says President Bush is in a "state of denial" about Iraq... a statement that would mean a lot more if Harry Reid weren't in a state of denial about America.


Texting Queen
13-year-old Morgan Pozgar was crowned the National Texting champion on Saturday after she typed "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" from "Mary Poppins" in 15 seconds. The competition was sponsored by drug companies hoping to market arthritis medications for kids.


Chinese Internet
Chinese President Hu Jintao has launched another campaign to crackdown on Internet content and make it a springboard for Communist Party doctrine. Because Communism and the Internet go together like a dominatrix at a toddler's birthday party.



Iraq Wall
Critics are blasting the U.S. military's plan to build a wall between Sunnis and Shiites in Baghdad. These are the same people who criticized the wall separating Israelis and Palestinians, metal detectors at airports, locks on bathroom doors, and the pasteurizing of milk.


DNA Benchmark
The New York-based "Innocence Project" is boasting that it has just used DNA to exonerate its 200th person since it began in 1989. In a related story, the nation's prosecutors have just used DNA to convict their 760,287th person in the same period of time.


Chase's Childhood
Chevy Chase says his parents abused and tortured him for most of his childhood. Usually, abused children grow up to abuse their own kids, but Chevy obviously decided to go into show business and get back at all of us.



Atkins Fight
The widow of diet guru Robert Atkins is countersuing the trustees of his estate, who want $8.7 million in back pay. She's also ignoring the millions of people still on her husband's diet, who just want to eat a decent meal.