NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday


Imus Canned
MSNBC has decided to permanently pull it's TV simulcast of Don Imus' radio show. So that's three people who will never see Imus again.


Couric's Future
Despite a shakeup in the Evening News management team, Katie Couric's sagging ratings are fueling speculation that she might soon be out of a job. Of course, just like all network anchors who get fired, Couric will probably just end up working at CNN.



Robot Pool Cleaner
IRobot, the maker of the Roomba robotic vacuum clearer, is now selling a robotic pool cleaning device called the Verro. These two items combined have done more to cut down on illegal immigration than the government has in 40 years!



American Al Qaeda
A federal indictment says 43-year-old Christopher Paul of Columbus provided material support to al Qaeda and plotted to set off bombs in Europe and the United States. But even if the allegations are true, Al Sharpton says Paul is not as big a threat as Imus.


Hillary's Resolve
Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton says the pain and turmoil of her White House years don't discourage her in the least as she wages her presidential campaign... especially since all of that pain and turmoil was felt by the American people.


Minister's Wife Trial
The trial of the Tennessee woman who shot her minister husband to death began Thursday. The case would be a media sensation, but the defendant is not a radio shock jock and she doesn't have Anna Nicole's breasts.


Pet Food CEO Claim
Mark Wiens, the CFO of Menu Foods, which is at the center of the tainted pet food scandal, says that it was a "horrible coincidence" that he sold nearly half his shares in the firm three weeks before a recall of its product. He also says it was a "horrible coincidence" that his dog started eating exclusively at the Olive Garden on the exact same day.

Bad Pet Food
The FDA says contaminated pet food is still being sold at some stores... which is bad news for dogs, cats, and women over 80 who live alone.


Disney Dresses
Disney has unveiled a line of bridal gowns inspired by their princess characters... and a new line of black leather lingerie inspired by the wicked queen, Urusula, and Malificent.

Disney Dresses II
Disney has unveiled a line of bridal gowns inspired by their princess characters. That's good news for everyone except the guys marrying the women with the gown from "Beauty and the Beast."


Katie Couric: Cradle Robber
50-year-old Katie Couric is dating Brooks Perlin, who is 17 years younger than her. That's funny, because the only people watching her show are at least 27 years older than her.


Dickens World
A new theme park in England has opened called Dickens World, which dedicated to the author Charles Dickens. It's the first theme park that encourages parents to leave their children behind.