BREAKING NEWS!!!

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has announced he will release the 15 British sailors his country has held hostage since March 23rd. Ahmadinejad finally made the decision to let them go after being threatened with plagues of blood, frogs, hail, boils, etc.

Ahmadinejad was also convinced to release the hostages when he heard that Rosie O'Donnell was blaming the United States for the entire incident. Iran felt that appearing to be in league with O'Donnell was probably a bad P.R. move.


Pelosi Trip
During her conversation with Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says she insisted that he do something about his nation's support of Hamas and Hezbollah. Then she politely asked if she could remove her head-covering and get up off the floor.


Obama Cash
Sen. Barack Obama has raised more than $25 million for his presidential bid in the first three months of 2007. Most of that money comes from David Geffen and all the people in Hollywood who are afraid of David Geffen.


Eagles Born
Two bald eagles have hatched in the wild on Santa Catalina Island for the first time since chemical contamination there wiped out the majestic birds decades ago. But the joyous news tempered somewhat when it was learned that the chicks belong to an 8-year-old female brought to the island by conservationists and a 21-year-old male, who was trying to hide from those guys from NBC who produce "To Catch a Predator."


5th Grade Sex
Five fifth-grade students face criminal charges after authorities said four of them had sex in front of other students in an unsupervised classroom in Northern Louisiana last week. Luckily, this was Louisiana, so all of the students in question were married to one another anyway.


Edwards Condition
Doctors now say that Elizabeth Edwards has a more treatable type of cancer than they originally thought. But experts say that could change if Mrs. Edwards' condition worsens, of if her husband's campaign needs to do more emergency fundraising.


Rove Heckled
Karl Rove was heckled and pelted by protesters after an appearance last night on the campus of American University in Washington, DC. It was all part of the university's stated principles of "celebrating diversity and respecting all peoples."


Richards Denial
Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards is denying reports that he mixed his father's cremated ashed with cocaine and snorted them. Richards wants to make it clear that he did not snort his father's ashes... he smoked them.



Yale Flag Burners
Three Yale University students were arrested early Tuesday morning for burning an American flag outside a private home in New Haven. While they each face police charges, Yale will not punish them because they did not burn a Palestinian flag.