Lost Scout Found
Searchers have found 12-year-old Boy Scout Michael Auberry, who had been missing from a camping trip for four days. Auberry can now return to his troop and resume being sexually abused by his Scout Master.




Clinton vs. Obama
The Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama campaigns are getting into a war of words over which one opposes the war in Iraq more. This will all become extremely important a few years from now when Islamic terrorists are trying to decide which one of them to behead first.



Grand Canyon Skywalk
The $30 million Grand Canyon Skywalk opened Tuesday. The structure was immediately used by four Mexican tourists to illegally enter the country.





Bush Assures Alberto
President Bush reaffirmed his "strong backing and support" for Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales in a telephone conversation with him this morning... but we only know that because the Democrats subpoenaed the White House phone records.




Mega Winners
A New Jersey couple has finally emerged as the other winners in a record Mega Millions lottery that will net them $88 million. But since they live in New Jersey, they'll have to spend most of that money on property taxes and car insurance.


Hermione Stays
Producers of the Harry Potter movies say actress Emma Watson will be back as Hermione for the final two movies. Despite the future movies' expected success, Democrats had been demanding that Watson withdraw by 2008.



Alzheimer's Report
A new report shows that the number of people in the U.S. who have Alzheimer's disease is 10% higher than previous nationwide estimates. Well, that explains why Hillary Clinton's campaign is getting so much support.



Mills Dances
During her first appearance on Dancing with the Stars, Heather Mills was complimented by a judge who said, "You've got more guts than Rambo." Incidentally, Rambo is actually Mills' divorce lawyer.



Rowing Invasion
Ukrainian border guards arrested Belarus' national rowing team Tuesday for illegally entering the country on a flotilla of eight boats. This is what happens when people watch too much of the movie "300."