Ohio Lottery Meltdown
As thousands tried to buy tickets for last night's $370 million Megaball jackpot, Ohio's statewide lottery ticket system broke down about 25 minutes before the deadline. Democrats claim it's because the computers thought the ticket buyers were trying to vote for president.


Naomi's Punishment
Naomi Campbell will don an orange safety vest this month while she mops floors as part of her court-ordered punishment for attacking her former maid. An orange "evening vest" inspired by Campbell's attire is already being designed by Vera Wang and is expected to retail for $3,600.

Naomi Campbell's friends say doing the work will not be hard for her. The only true challenge for Campbell will be trying to figure what to do during her lunch breaks.



Oprah's Secret
Oprah Winfrey is endorsing a new self-help book called "The Secret," that urges readers to believe in the power of positive thinking... something Oprah is obviously already doing by not assuming this book is not just another work of plagiarism and fraud.


New Big McBurger
McDonald's is set to introduce its biggest-ever burger: the "Third Pounder." It's not clear whether the new sandwich will attract more customers or just more lawyers.


Giuliani Problems
Speaking about Rudy Giuliani, a Southern Baptist leader says evangelical voters will have a tough time supporting a pro-gun control, pro choice candidate who has also been married three times. This means Giuliani could have solved all his personal and political problems had he just bought a gun and shot his first two wives instead of marrying them.



Gitmo Hearings
Pentagon officials overseeing secret hearings for 14 accused terrorists at Guantanamo Bay this week say there will be "redactions in the transcript for national security." I have a better idea... instead of redacting the transcript, why don't we just redact the number of terrorists from 14 to 0?