Oscar Night
It's Oscar night in Hollywood. I haven't seen this many exposed boobs since they inaugurated the new Congress.

Oscar Competition
Tonight we'll find out who truly is Hollywood's favorite. It's a tight race between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.

Best Actress
Penolope Cruz might have a chance to beat Helen Mirren for Best Actress tonight. Of course, she already deserves the award for pretending to be Tom Cruise's girlfriend for three years.


Duke Returns
The Duke men's lacrosse team made a triumphant return to the field Saturday with a win over visiting Dartmouth. But most lacrosse fans missed the game because it was only televised on Court TV.



Baghdad College Bombing
A suicide bomber killed at least 40 people and wounded 55 others when he detonated his explosive vest outside a college near Baghdad's Sadr city. For those of you who don't know, Sadr City U. is where they send the kids who can't get into Fresno State.

Top 5 Things Overheard at Sadr City University

5) "Saturday's Sunni-Shia mixer was a big success... only 5 murders!"

4) "You better be smuggling explosives in that keg, or you're on probation mister."

3) "Burka Raid!"

2) "I heard the Valedictorian gets a free bulletproof vest!"

1) "A mind is a terrible thing not to blow up"





Ahmadinejad on Nukes
While speaking about Iran's nuclear program Sunday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that "it is like a train ... with no brake and no reverse gear"... actually, he could have been talking about his mouth.



Jaguar Mauling
Police and zoo officials are investigating what led a 140-pound jaguar to maul a zookeeper to death in the doorway of its cage Saturday. Right now, they're working on the wild theory that maybe, just maybe... the animal didn't like being locked up a cage.



Poverty Study
A new study shows that the number of extremely impoverished Americans is at a three-decade high. It's getting so bad, now we're allowing illegal immigrants in from Mexico just so we can take their food.