Britney in Rehab
Britney Spears has checked into a rehab clinic. But she will be disappointed when she finds out there is no therapy for having a bad haircut.



Tobacco Settlement Tossed
The Supreme Court has thrown out an $80 million civil ruling against tobacco giant Philip Morris. Now the only way to get rich quick is to claim you're the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby.



Satellite Merger
XM and Sirius have announced plans for a $13 billion merger. The two companies decided to join forces mostly because they believe Howard Stern just doesn't have enough money.



McCain On Rummy
Republican presidential candidate John McCain now says that Donald Rumsfeld was "one of the worst secretaries of defense in history." McCain is pledging to continue to courageoulsy bash Rumsfeld and others, as long as they have already left the Bush administration.


James Brown Body
Almost two months after his death, James Brown's body still has not been buried... and he also still dances better than any white man.


A-Rod Explains it All
New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez says he is no longer best friends with Derek Jeter, saying, "You go from sleeping over at somebody's house five days a week and now you don't sleep over." Unfortunately for Rodriguez, his wife is actually sleeping over Derek Jeter's house 7 nights a week.



Robot Car
Stanford University engineers plan to have an unmanned robot car ready for use in urban traffic in less than a year. It's actually ready to go now, the scientists just have to teach the robot how to use its middle finger.