NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday


Hagel Announcement
Anti-war Senator Chuck Hagel is expected to announce his candidacy for president sometime today. Hagel would have made the announcement sooner, but he couldn't figure out whether he should run as a Republican or a Democrat.



Save Katie!
CBS is bringing in former CNN and MSNBC chief Rick Kaplan to help boost Katie Couric's sagging ratings. Although judging by Kaplan's track record, it's not clear if he'll revive her ratings or euthanize them.

Save Katie! II
CBS is bringing in former CNN and MSNBC chief Rick Kaplan to help boost Katie Couric's sagging ratings. In a related story, the Democrats are bringing back George McGovern.

Kaplan is expected to be paid more than one million dollars to take the new job. Of course, CBS could use that money more wisely by just paying people to watch Katie Couric.

Kaplan takes over at CBS after driving down the ratings at CNN and unsuccessfully trying to create ratings at MSNBC... proving once again that in the news media, nothing succeeds like failure.

The official CBS announcement released today says that Kaplan will become the new executive producer "effective immediately." Talk about wishful thinking... Kaplan's not ever going to be effective!

Rick Kaplan's Top 5 Ratings Boosters For CBS News

5) Focus on the important stuff first, like Katie's makeup and wardrobe

4) Bring in the three people who watch MSNBC and ask for their opinions

3) Break into a million homes, turn TV's to CBS, then steal the remotes

2) Two words: "Heather Locklear"

1) Just air a "Two and a Half Men" rerun and call it a night



Abdullah's Call
During an address to Congress yesterday, Jordan's King Abdullah said the United States must become the leading force for peace in the Middle East. If that happens, the King promised that Jordan would continue to have no effect on anything whatsoever.



Williams in Iraq
NBC news anchor Brian Williams is being criticized for going to Iraq and risking his life. But Williams says he's being cautious, and the only people taking unnecessary risks in evening news these days are the guys working with Katie Couric.



Troop Withdrawal Bill
Congressional Democrats have unveiled legislation that would require U.S. combat troops to withdraw from Iraq by the fall of 2008... although they say they are willing to accept a compromise bill that would require the Republicans to withdraw from the White House in the fall of 2008.


Petraeus on Military Force
General David Petraeus now says military force alone will not be enough to stabilize the situation in Iraq and the Middle East. But experts say that isn't true, since the U.S. army could easily bomb al Jazeera right now.