Masters Champ
31-year-old Zach Johnson won the Masters Sunday... shocking most members of the media who weren't aware that there were any golfers other than Tiger Woods.

Meanwhile, Tiger Woods' disappointing loss in the Masters has set off a rash of violent riots at several country clubs across the country.

Watching all these rich guys fight tooth and nail at the Masters only to get to wear an ill-fitting, ugly, green blazer is kind of like watching women shopping at Loehman's... only the women are a little more competitive.


Pope's Message
Pope Benedict XVI focused his Easter message on suffering in the world, saying that "nothing positive" is happening in Iraq. Actually, there is: there's been so much killing there, nobody really cares anymore when priests sleep with altar boys.

Pope TV
TV outlets in 67 countries aired the Vatican's entire Easter service, but not in Italy where nothing interrupts the regular early afternoon broadcasts of pornography.


Sadr Command
Radical Shiite cleric Muqtada al Sadr is urging his followers to stop killing Sunni Iraqis and start killing Americans... I guess he just wants a real challenge.


Hamas List
In a sign of possible progress, Hamas militants say they've sent Israel a list of prisoners they want released in exchange for Cpl. Gilad Shalit. Unfortunately, the names on that list include Ali Baba, the 40 Thieves, and the bad guy from the movie "Aladdin."