BREAKING NEWS!!!!



Birkhead the Father
DNA tests show there is a 99.9999% chance that Larry Birkhead is indeed the father of the late Anna Nicole Smith's baby. And now there's a 100% chance he'll be a guest on Larry King Live for the next two weeks.

DNA tests show there is a 99.9999% chance that Larry Birkhead is indeed the father of the late Anna Nicole Smith's baby... scoring a major victory for out-of-work photographers who sleep with their drugged-up models everywhere.


Imus Coverage
The major news networks, newspapers, and websites are all giving full 24/7 coverage to of the Don Imus story... distracting the public from more important issues like finding out who is the father of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter.

The Rutgers women's basketball team has agreed to meet with Don Imus... provided he comes alone, unarmed, and without that stupid cowboy hat.



Bush Meeting
President Bush says he is willing to meet with Congressional Democrats to discuss the war in Iraq, but not to negotiate his handling of it... which is a mistake for him, because for the Democrats, "negotiate" is actually their code word for "surrender."



Gitmo Protest Ending
A long-running prisoner hunger strike at Guantanamo Bay appears to be losing steam. Looks like it's yet another victory for the Gitmo cafeteria's Beef-a-Roni.


Dirty Lawyer
A 3rd-year law student at Brooklyn Law School is facing questions about her character after baring her breasts for a Playboy video. Legal experts agree that for her to prove that she still has the moral fitness to be a lawyer, she'll have to take off her panties too.


Pacman Suspended
Adam "Pacman" Jones of the Tennessee Titans has been suspended for the entire 2007 NFL season. This, after it was learned that he listens to "Imus in the Morning."



Indian Children
A new government study says that more than half of children in India are subjected to sexual abuse, but most do not report the assaults to anyone... mostly because they don't want anything to hurt their chances of getting adopted by Angelina Jolie.



National Guard Complaint
Florida Senator Bill Nelson says the war in Iraq has depleted the equipment inventory of the National Guard, potentially hampering its response to hurricanes. Yeah, you'd hate to be in the middle of a hurricane an not be able to shoot at it.


Poverty Project
Some students at the Mary Washington University in Virginia participated in a project where they lived on $2-a-day to learn what it's like to survive on a poverty-level income. It's the same project the University forces the students' parents to participate in by charging more than 30 grand in tuition every year.


Billionaire in Space
Upon his arrival at the International Space Station, U.S. billionaire Charles Simonyi was greeted with a message from girlfriend Martha Stewart, who said, "You are out of this world." That's sweet. It's also a little sad for all of us who had hoped that all that government funding for space travel would at least give humankind a way to avoid listening to Martha Stewart.


Health Study
A new study suggests that people who drink a lot of coffee and smoke are less likely to develop Parkinson's disease. That's because they'll be dead already from lung cancer and heart attacks.