French Runoff
Record-high turnout in France has led to a runoff between right-wing presidential candidate Nicolas Sarkozy and left-wing socialist Segolene Royal. Experts believe the winning candidate will be the one who is best able to unite the voters with snobbery, cowardice and Jew-hatred.


Manhattan Driving Fee
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg wants to charge a fee for driving in Manhattan... that's on top of the cost of the psychiatric medications most people need after driving in Manhattan.


Gonzales Doubted
Testifying before a Senate committee, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales insisted that he played only a small role in the firing of eight federal prosecutors, but many senators were skeptical of his answers. Of course, the senators are experts in lying.


Survivor China
It was reported that the next edition of Survivor will be set in China. The winner will be the contestant who is able to keep CBS' copyrighted material the longest without it getting pirated.


Red Carpert Hosts I
TV Guide Channel has announced that it is replacing Joan and Melissa Rivers at red-carpet events with Lisa Rinna. They wanted a different host, but someone with just as much plastic surgery.

Red Carpert Hosts II
TV Guide Channel has announced that it is replacing Joan and Melissa Rivers at red-carpet events. But somehow, I still think they'll still be spending eternity greeting people as they enter Hell.