Wednesday, December 31, 2003

Times Square Crowds
Experts say 750,000 people will jam Times Square for tonight's New Year's Eve celebration - 749,999 of them will be cops.

Alumni Retirement
Several colleges are now setting up pricey retirement communities exclusively for their elderly alumni. Of course there already is a place where rich older Americans go to relive their boyish college days, it's called "The U.S. Senate."

Tuesday, December 30, 2003

Saddam's Money
The good news for the Bush administration is that Saddam Hussein is finally telling interrogators where he put up to $40 billion. The bad news is it's all invested in Halliburton.

New Year's Security I
The Department of Homeland Security will use helicopters to provide tactical support to security efforts in Times Square this New Year's Eve. That's good news for safety-conscious revelers but bad news for Dick Clark's wig.

New Year's Security II
New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg says no one should avoid Times Square Wednesday night because of terrorism concerns,
promising everyone that al Qaeda will not stand in the way of thousands of New Yorkers getting maimed and killed in the usual drunken rioting.

New Swing Voters
Pollsters believe 18 to 24-year olds could replace the elderly as crucial swing voters in the 2004 election. That means politicians won't have to change their messages too much because like seniors, younger voters are also unemployed, hang around the mall all day, and really just want access to cheaper drugs.

Libyan Nukes
International Atomic Energy Agency chief Mohamed El Baradei confirms Libya has dismantled its nuclear weapons program in record time. That's because it really doesn't take long to unplug a microwave oven.

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

Boston Flu
The Boston Archdiocese is suspending communion procedures that involve physical contact between parishioners and priests to avoid spreading the flu; something that should have the additional benefit of cutting down on lawsuits too!

Mad Cow Reaction
In response to Mad Cow Disease being discovered in America, Russia is banning all imports of U.S. beef... which certainly comes as devastating news to the three people in Russia who can afford to buy beef.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Terror Alert Raised
With the terror alert level raised to Orange, American citizens are being asked to keep an eye out for anything foreign and suspicious.
But for most Americans, the only foreign and suspicious things they see this time of year are the $29 DVD players at Wal-Mart.

Bruce Pardoned
The late comedian Lenny Bruce received a posthumous pardon today after being convicted for using dozens of profane words in his act at a Greenwich Village nightclub in 1964. Now the only thing that's considered obscene speech in The Village is telling people you're a Republican.

Monday, December 22, 2003

Mars Missions
Two separate British and French probes are scheduled to land on the surface of Mars on Christmas Day - proving once again that all remote and interesting destinations eventually get ruined by an influx of Euro trash.

Martha's New Life
In an interview with Larry King, Martha Stewart says she's put several canaries on her front porch where they mate often in their giant cages... an image that's eerily similar to what her own life will be like in a few months.

Dean-Clark Discussion
ABC news is reporting that before General Wesley Clark entered the presidential race, Howard Dean asked him to be his running mate. In a similarly relevant and realistic discussion, the clerk at 7-11 asked me if I preferred the "cash" or "annual payment" option before I bought my Lotto ticket this weekend.

Friday, December 19, 2003

Michael Jackson Injury
Michael Jackson's family say police roughed him up during his arrest, and the singer suffered a dislocated shoulder. But experts say it wasn't really dislocated because Jackson's shoulder is just another one of his removable parts.

Lawyers Weigh In
After being formally charged with child molestation yesterday, Michael Jackson's attorneys once again insisted that the boy in the case and his family are "doing it all just for financial gain"... something that as lawyers, they just can't identify with at all.

Jermaine's Support
On "Larry King Live" last night Michael's brother Jermaine agreed this case is only about money... something he hopes Michael will remember every time he publicly defends him.

College Giving
So far, it looks like alumni donations to U.S. colleges are on the rise this year. But the trend could easily turn sour if the stock market drops, new terror attacks occur, or parole is revoked for the Ohio State football team.

Thursday, December 18, 2003

NEWSDAY ALERT!!! I have TWO jokes in today's "Punchlines" segment. Here's the link Newsday

Bush MRI
President Bush is getting an MRI today to check on a persistent pain in both his knees. Of course the much more annoying pain in his ass was taken care of outside Tkirit last weekend.

Radio Warnings
The U.S. Department of Transportation is testing a new radio system in cars that would be used to warn motorists when they're driving dangerously. Of course New York City divers already get a special warning when they're doing something wrong - it's called "The Finger."

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

First Flight Anniversary
We've truly come a long way in the 100 years since the Wright Brothers piloted the first airplane in Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Now almost everyone can fly in a plane, but it takes 100 years to get to the airport and through security.

Huge Book
An MIT scientist has created a 5-by-7 foot, 133-pound book to be sold for $10,000. While most readers find the volume excessive, it will still be the lightest and cheapest textbook sold to MIT students this semester.

NY Magazine Sale
Wall Street deal maker Bruce Wasserstein is buying New York Magazine for an all-cash bid of $55 million. But the publication's editors say Wasserstein still isn't rich enough to be mentioned in their magazine.

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Saddam's Daughter
Saddam Hussein's daughter says the family will hire the world's best attorneys to defend her father. Experts say this strategy will bring Middle East peace closer to reality as Saddam shows the Arab world that the only way to survive is to work with lots and lots of Jews.

Thurmond's Daughter
Storm Thurmond's family is now admitting that 78-year old Essie Mae Washington-Williams is the illegitimate daughter of the late Republican Senator and his Black maid. Political experts say that as a Black woman with ties to the GOP, Ms. Williams can soon look forward to being nominated to the Bush cabinet.

Monday, December 15, 2003

Saddam Nabbed
Top things U.S. interrogators are learning from Saddam Hussein:

-The delivery boy at "Tikrit Falafel" really means it when he says you should tip him well

-Needs a refill on his supply of "Just for Men"

-Keeps asking for Mark Geragos' phone number

-You should really check your getaway car's oil every 3000 miles

-Those Glade "Spider Hole Fresheners" don't really last 3 months like they say they do

-With lice, it's either eat or be eaten!

-He's not surrendering, he's just coming out in time to catch the last "Lord of the Rings" Movie

Saddam Reaction
Millions of Americans are taking great satisfaction in seeing pictures of Saddam's cramped conditions in the "Spider Hole," except in New York City. Not because of the city's liberal bent, but because most New Yorkers' apartments are smaller, dirtier, and cost more than $750,000.

Saddam Arrests
U.S. military officials say they've made several arrests based on information they've discovered since Saddam Hussein was captured. Topping the list of detained criminals are Saddam's barber, tailor and makeup artist.

Friday, December 12, 2003

Halliburton Contract
In response to a Pentagon report that says Halliburton has overcharged the U.S. government by $61 million for shipping oil into Iraq, the company is opening its books for a full audit. The results of that investigation will prove that the only Halliburton employee the government is overpaying is Dick Cheney.

Morning After Pill
Hearings are underway on whether to sell the "morning after" birth-control pill over the counter. Top officials in Washington are worried about the plan because as politicians, any drug that cuts down on the number of bastards is seen as a natural threat to their own survival.

Jackson Interview
During a 20/20 interview, Michael Jackson's parents Joe and Katherine Jackson said they will adopt his three children if he is forced to give them up while he fights child-sex charges. They'd hate that whole child-molesting tendency to skip a generation.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

Bachelorette Wedding
ABC paid Trista Rehn and Ryan Sutter $1 million to have their wedding on TV last night. Usually you have to marry Michael Jackson or Liza Minnelli to get that kind of money upfront.

Climate Study
A new study shows that due to normal human functions, people have affected the global climate from the beginning of time. The report confirms what many of us have known for years; farting really does make a difference.

No Child Left Behind
School principals are protesting the federal government's new educational standards, complaining that meeting those goals will be impossible for students with serious disabilities and poor English skills. But their concerns aren't likely to move President Bush, who got where he is despite his serious disabilities and poor English skills.

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Campaign Finance Ruling
The Supreme Court has upheld the new campaign finance law that bans huge contributions to candidates and political parties. Now everyone's just going to have to go back to bribing politicians after they're elected.

Bidding Closed
Despite international protests, the Pentagon is barring companies from countries that didn't support the war in Iraq from getting any reconstruction contracts. But by making sure they won't have to deal with any more French-made products, the U.S. is finally doing something good for the Iraqi people.

A&F Catalogue
Bowing to protests, Abercrombie and Fitch has pulled its controversial catalogue that features nude pictures and articles about sex.
Now the only time A&F customers think about getting screwed is when they're at the checkout counter.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Janklow Convicted
South Dakota Congressman Bill Janklow is resigning from the House after being convicted of second-degree manslaughter. Janklow says that after killing someone and leaving the scene of the accident, the only thing he's qualified to do now is run against Ted Kennedy for the U.S. Senate.

Disney DVD
Disney is currently testing a new anti-piracy DVD that self-destructs in 48 hours. That means it lasts 24 hours longer than most Disney films stay in theaters.

Affleck Complaint
Ben Affleck is blaming his high-profile relationship with Jennifer Lopez for wrecking his career. Hey Ben, your relationship with Jennifer Lopez IS your career.

Wall Vote
The United Nations has voted overwhelmingly to challenge Israel's West Bank wall in the International Court of Justice. The UN is worried the barrier could infringe on the Palestinians natural right to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of suicide bombings."

Monday, December 08, 2003

Colonoscopy Delay
A new report shows that older Americans wanting a thorough screening for colon cancer often have to wait an entire year for a colonoscopy. But Medicare officials say it's all for the best, because getting the rules shoved up your ass is the best way to prepare for this particular procedure anyway.

TV Obesity
A new study shows kids who watch more TV are more likely to become obese. Experts say that's because these kids see more ads for junk food, spend less time exercising, and watch enough of the news to know that Michael Jackson leaves most fat kids alone.

World News Tonight
Peter Jennings begins hosting a special series on ABC News tonight called "How to Get Fat Without Really Trying." This is departure from the series he usually hosts, "How to Look Like a Real Reporter Without Really Trying."

College Football Mess
Despite its number one ranking in some polls, the University of Southern California can't win the national championship because of the NCAA's BCS bowl structure. But USC is working to fix the situation; from now on it's going to stop paying off all its players and start bribing the NCAA.

Friday, December 05, 2003

Daschle Testifies
Testifying for the defense at Republican Congressman Bill Janklow's manslaughter trial, Democratic Senator Tom Daschle told the court that Janklow is a "truthful person." This is a familiar role for Daschle, since every time he opens his mouth he helps the Republicans.

Drinking Study
A new medical study shows that even though light drinking is good for cardiovascular health, it may cause slight brain damage over time. This is the second documented condition known to be good for your heart but bad for your head, the other one is called "dating."

Challenged Students
Education Department officials have decided children with the most severe learning problems can be held to a different academic standard than their peers -- a move that will ease pressure on teachers, help parents understand their kids' progress, and make it even easier to get into Arizona State.

Thursday, December 04, 2003

NEWSDAY alert!! For the 7th week in a row, I'm in the "Punchlines" section in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Bush Moon Mission
Top reasons President Bush wants to launch a new manned mission to the moon:

-Too stoned and drunk in '69 to remember the first one

-Pentagon has "hot" intelligence report saying that's where Osama, Saddam and the WMD are hiding

-Needs to scout sites for Halliburton's next taxpayer-funded and unnecessary $5 billion natural gas pipeline

-Wants to get an idea of what the Earth will look like after four more years of his environmental policies

-Thanks to several technological advances in the past 34 years, this time we won't have to fake the whole thing

Sir Mick
Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards is blasting band mate Mick Jagger for accepting a knighthood from Queen Elizabeth, saying "that's not what the Stones are about." Richards wants Jagger to focus on the goals more important to the band like denture care and Medicare Reform.

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

New Iraqi Government
Reports show that many Iraqis want someone who can help them set up a religious fundamentalist government. But the Bush administration is telling the Iraqis that John Ashcroft just isn't available for at least another year.

Bono on AIDS
U2 lead singer Bono says the U.S. can afford to spend more money in the fight against AIDS. Of course everyone can afford to spend more to fight AIDS thanks to U2, which stopped making music worth buying 12 years ago.

Maryland Dorm
The University of Maryland is spurring the entrepreneurial spirit of its undergrads by setting up a special dorm for students who want to form their own companies. Of course this is still the University of Maryland, so the only things the "entrepreneurs" have come up with so far is a prototype for a bigger beer funnel and a porn video store co-op.

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

"The Simple Life"
Fox's new reality show "The Simple Life," which features Paris Hilton living and doing chores on an Arkansas farm, debuts tonight on FOX. The show will compete with another series about fabulously wealthy people making idiots of themselves in rural and rustic America, it's called "The Iowa Caucuses."

Alien Registration
Federal immigration officials are suspending a program that required young males from countries with suspected links to terrorism to register annually while in the United States. The program is being scrapped not because of questions about civil liberties, but because New York's Taxi and Limousine Commission is already doing a better job of keeping tabs on all those guys anyway.

President Bush hosts NASCAR drivers at the White House today. The President has a lot in common with the group, he's also very popular in the South, likes to waste fuel, and can't do anything without corporate sponsors.

Strange Payment
A Cambodian man, who had forgotten his wallet, paid for gas for his motorcycle with his young nephew. The payment was accepted because in Cambodia, all gas stations are owned by the Catholic Church.

Lingerie Bowl
Chrysler is sponsoring a "Lingerie Bowl" during halftime of the Super Bowl featuring models dressed in lingerie playing a seven-on-seven tackle football game. The teams will be coached by former New York Giant great Lawrence Taylor, meaning it'll be the first time a coach will be penalized for illegal use of the hands.

Monday, December 01, 2003

Wal-Mart Santa
For the first time, shoppers and their children will be able to see Santa Claus at Wal-Mart stores this year. But to win the coveted Wal-Mart contract, Santa had to lay off half his elves and move the workshop to China.

Wal-Mart Stampede
After a Wal-Mart shopper was nearly trampled to death on Friday, safety experts are calling on the chain to discontinue its early-morning super sales. But it turns out the stampede wasn't caused by bargain-hunting shoppers; it was hundreds of Wal-Mart janitors desperately trying to outrun the guys from immigration.

Nude Sushi
The Seattle restaurant that was serving sushi on a naked woman's genitals has been forced to discontinue the practice... not because the display was obscene, but because the woman wasn't wearing a proper hairnet.