Halliburton Contract
In response to a Pentagon report that says Halliburton has overcharged the U.S. government by $61 million for shipping oil into Iraq, the company is opening its books for a full audit. The results of that investigation will prove that the only Halliburton employee the government is overpaying is Dick Cheney.

Morning After Pill
Hearings are underway on whether to sell the "morning after" birth-control pill over the counter. Top officials in Washington are worried about the plan because as politicians, any drug that cuts down on the number of bastards is seen as a natural threat to their own survival.

Jackson Interview
During a 20/20 interview, Michael Jackson's parents Joe and Katherine Jackson said they will adopt his three children if he is forced to give them up while he fights child-sex charges. They'd hate that whole child-molesting tendency to skip a generation.