Saturday, February 27, 2010

Canada wins Gold
Canada defeated the U.S. in overtime to win the gold medal in Olympic hockey, sending both countries into a celebration as the Canadians get the championship and Americans get to stop pretending they care about hockey.

Cooper to CBS?
CBS is reportedly in talks to hire CNN's Anderson Cooper. Executives believe Cooper will be the perfect hire to help all of CBS's elderly viewers fall asleep without medication.

Obama Medical Advice
President Obama's doctor has told him to cut his cholesterol levels. Obama responded by threatening to cut his Medicare reimbursements and blaming him for killing his mother.

Florida Threat
Florida is the deadliest state in the U.S. for pedestrians and bicyclists... most of them get mowed down daily by 95-year-olds speeding to get to the early bird special.

California Animal Abuse
California is considering making animal abusers publicly register their names like sex offenders... confusing most of the people in Bakersfield who only sexually abuse animals.

March 1st

1565: The city of Rio de Janeiro is founded. Thong underwear is invented minutes later.

1845: President John Tyler signs a bill annexing the Republic of Texas... mostly so the U.S. national football team could get some decent linemen.

2000: The Constitution of Finland is rewritten... this time using vowels.


Visits to this blog were up a whopping 70.8% in February, year over year. Thank you so much for reading!

Friday, February 26, 2010

February 28th

1827: The Baltimore & Ohio Railroad is incorporated, becoming the first railroad in America offering commercial transportation of people, animals, and freight. For 10 cents extra, the people have the option of sitting with the cows or the coal.

1885: AT&T is incorporated with the dual mission of connecting the world and someday screwing up the iPhone.

1991: The first Gulf War ends, rendering CNN irrelevant forever.

February 27th

1964: The government of Italy asks for help to keep the Leaning Tower of Pisa from toppling over. Most of the world's drunks respond by wondering what the trouble is.

1974: People magazine is published for the first time, America's cumulative I.Q. has not yet recovered.

2007: The Shanghai Stock Exchange falls 9%. The nation responds by adding a fourth shift to its poison toys and pet food factories.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Medicare Deadline
Doctors across the country may drop their Medicare patients Monday if Congress doesn't move quickly to stop a 21% cut in reimbursements. Luckily, most of America's sick and elderly people are members of Congress.

Home Sales Down
Home sales fell another 7.2% in January as millions of Americans decided they just wanted someone else to shovel the damn driveway.

Post Summit Results
Even after yesterday's health summit, President Obama says he may jam the health bill through Congress anyway. Republicans may not fight that as long as President Obama doesn't make them sit through any more summits.

Paterson Out
New York Governor David Paterson is not going to run for election in November. He got a better offer to write a sex column for the New York Post.

Stroke Breakthrough?
A new study finds that inserting stents are effective in preventing strokes... especially the strokes caused when patients see the bill for inserting stents.

February 25th

1952: British Prime Minister Winston Churchill announces that his nation has an atomic bomb. He then eats it.

1979: A Solar Eclipse passes over the Canadian city of Winnipeg, Manitoba. Unfortunately, no one notices because it occurs during a hockey game and a rerun of SCTV.

1991: On Baghdad Radio, Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein announces the withdrawal of Iraqi troops from Kuwait. After that announcement, the radio sadly goes back to playng Milli Vanilli.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Health Care Summit
President Obama hosts the big bipartisan health care summit in Washington this morning. At the event, leading Democrats and Republicans will outline the problems with the Amercian health care system and hope to find a way to blame them all on Toyota.

Digesting the Facts
A group of medical experts has just released a new report suggesting that most digestive problems are misunderstood. Doctors are hoping this report will convince the ACLU that lactose intolerence is not about racism.

Vermont Nukes
The Vermont state senate has voted to close the state's only nuclear power plant. Vermont residents want to explore the possibility of creating power from flannel and granola.

Sea World Death
Investigators will be at SeaWorld today working to determine what led to the death of a trainer who was pulled into the water by a killer whale. They will specifically focus on reports that the whale was fitted with a malfunctioning gas pedal from Toyota.

Hummer Dead
GM is discontinuing the Hummer brand. As a result, gas prices are expected to drop to about 45 cents a gallon.

February 25th

1912: Marie-Adélaïde, the eldest of six daughters of Guillaume IV, becomes the first reigning Grand Duchess of Luxembourg. That and 5 cents got her a ride on the subway.

1951: The first Pan American Games are held in Buenos Aires, Argentina. Coincidentally, the first illegal steroids go on the market the very same day.

1956: Nikita Khrushchev denounces Joseph Stalin... a realy gutsy move since Stalin had been dead for 3 years.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Ben's Testimony
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke will explain his so-called "exit strategy" from low interest rates to Congress today. Most of that strategy involves Bernanke moving to Brazil.

Stimulus "Impact"
A new report says the $862 billion stimulus plan kept the unemployment rate at 10.2% and saved us from an 11% rate... and for another $100 billion, we could have had fries with that.

L.A. Union Schools
The L.A. school board has voted to turn over 22 schools to the teachers union. Students in those schools will learn how sleep at their desks and maximize their sick days.

Sea Level Oops!
Scientists have been forced to withdraw a study that predicted a massive worldwide sea level rise due to global warming. It's turns out the solar-powered calculator they were using didn't work.

Phony Hassids
Two New York jewelers were busted for hiring gunmen to dress as Hasidic Jews in an alleged insurance scam. The whole plot fell apart when the "Hasidim" asked for diamonds, cash, and two Baconators for lunch.

Read more:

February 24th

1868: Andrew Johnson becomes the first President of the United States to be impeached... and he didn't even get sex with an intern out of it.

1970: National Public Radio is founded by a consortium of Communists, feminists, and Palestinian terrorists.

1989: The Ayatollah Khomeini offers a $3 million bounty for the death of Satanic Verses author Salman Rushdie. Incidentally, $3 million is what Rushdie currently pays to keep his divorce lawyers on retainer.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Cheney Pains
Dick Cheney has once again been hospitalized with chest pains. This comes on the heels of a new report that shows America could save billions on health care costs... if it weren't for Dick Cheney.

Williams Sentencing
Former New Jersey Nets star Jayson Williams could get anywhere from 18 months in prison to five years for the the accidental shooting his limo driver eight years ago... or the judge could get really tough and send Williams back to the Nets.

Avandia Damage
A shocking new report shows that 83,000 people who took the diabetes drug Avandia suffered heart attacks. But Avandia is trying to prove that all those people had those attacks while driving Toyotas with stuck accelerator pedals.

Toyota Software Glitch
There's more evidence that the sudden acceleration problems in Toyotas is because of a on-board computer problem. Of course no one should be surprised by that since Toyota had that software designed by the guys who make "Grand Theft Auto."

Elton on Jesus
Elton John says he believes Jesus was a gay man... which means Judas may have betrayed Jesus just to get his hands on his fabulous shoes.

February 23rd

1455: The Gutenberg Bible is printed for the first time. Unfortunately, it's too big to fit in any hotel night table.

1778: Baron von Steuben arrives at Valley Forge to train the Continental Army and get rid of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

1883: Alabama becomes the first U.S. state to enact an antitrust law. No one has trusted anyone from Alabama ever since.

1974: The Symbionese Liberation Army demands $4 million more to release kidnap victim Patty Hearst. Her family then offers them $5 million to keep her.

Friday, February 19, 2010

U.S. vs. Europe
The U.S. has a much higher birthrate than Europe, but Europeans live a lot longer than we do. The bottom line: our kids are killing us!

Hot Dog Demand
The American Academy of Pediatrics wants hot dogs to be "redesigned" so they don't cause kids to choke... because every American has the right to eat hot dogs until they die of heart disease.

Hockey Wins!
The U.S. shocked Canada, 5-3, in Olympic hockey last night... and to add insult to injury, all the banged up Canadian players demanded to see U.S. doctors after the game.

Obama's Health Plan
The Obama administration will pitch legislation that would allow the government to block excessive rate hikes by health insurance groups. The voters will pitch legislation to block excessive tax hikes by the Obama administration.

New Survey
A new survey shows that 86% of Americans believe our government is broken. The other 14% work for Senators Ben Nelson and Mary Landrieu.

February 22nd

1495: King Charles VIII of France enters Naples to claim the city's throne... and the rest of his dry cleaning.

1994: Aldrich Ames and his wife are charged with spying for the Soviet Union. They are caught after being seen protesting outside Yaakov Smirnoff's stand up show.

1997: In Roslin, Scotland, scientists announce that an adult sheep named Dolly had been successfully cloned. The price of lamb chops at the local pub falls 50%.

February 21st

1245: Thomas, the first known Bishop of Finland, resigns after having confessed to torture and forgery. He is immediately transferred to the parliament.

1848: Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels publish the Communist Manifesto... also known as the "White House Budget proposal for fiscal 2010."

1948: NASCAR is founded... despite strong objections from the American Dental Associaton.

February 20th

1792: The Postal Service Act, establishing the United States Post Office Department, is signed by President George Washington. The deparment does not actually start work until 6 weeks later, when the paperwork finally gets delivered by the Post Office.

1864: Battle of Olustee occurs – the largest battle ever fought in Florida... until the great early bird special battle in the Sizzler parking lot in Fort Lauderdale in 1994.

1935: Caroline Mikkelsen becomes the first woman to set foot in Antarctica. Well, braving -20 degree weather is one way to find a husband.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Hinn Divorce
Faith healing televangelist Benny Hinn's wife has filed for divorce. She got suspicious when he started exclusively treating yeast infections.

Woods Event
Tiger Woods is expected to use the term "I'm sorry for the hurt I've caused" at his news conference today. From now on, he promises to use more lubricant.

Woods Event II
Tiger Woods will not take questions and will only read from a prepared statement when he speaks publicly for five minutes at 11am today. It's kind of like when he books his favorite hookers for 15 minutes and isn't allowed to kiss them.

Toyoda is Coming
The good news is Toyota President Akio Toyoda will come to Washington to directly answer questions from Congress about his company's massive problems. The better news is he's going to drive a Camry with a stuck gas pedal right up the steps of the House of Representatives.

McCourt Divorce Battle
Dodger owner Frank McCourt is being accused of trying to hide some of his money from wife during their divorce battle. Of course, the best place to hide his money is right in the middle of Dodger Stadium sometime after the 7th inning... no one is around to see it then.

Obama to Vegas
President Obama is going to Las Vegas today to try to help Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid's fading re-election hopes... it's either that or bet the treasury on the slots.

February 19th

1807: Former Vice President Aaron Burr is arrested for treason... making him America's one and only interesting vice president.

1847: The first group of rescuers reaches the Donner Party. The survivors ask for sharper steak knives and some A-1.

1985: Artificial heart recipient William J. Schroeder becomes the first such patient to leave the hospital. The others were healthy, but couldn't pay their bill.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Tiger's Return
Tiger Woods is expected to announce his return to golf tomorrow. Pro shops are stocking up on condoms and penicillin as we speak.

Risk Reduction
The White House, the Senate and the Treasury Secretary are nearing an agreement on reducing the systemic risks to the financial system. The first thing they plan to do to reduce those risks is to eliminate the White House, the Senate, and the Treasury Secretary.

BBC Anchor Nabbed
British police have arrested a BBC television anchor after he told viewers he carried out a mercy killing on a former lover. Scotland Yard has not said whether it will arrest everyone else at the BBC for mercilessly killing its viewers for 40 years.

Early Release
A judge has okayed the early release of 100 inmates in the Sacramento county jail... unfortunately, the 80 inmates in the California State Assembly are staying in Sacramento for the time being.

No Nudes for Jessica
Jessica Simpson says she will never do a nude scene in a movie. Besides, she's already gotten naked in front of the 150,000 men she's dated since 2006.

February 18th

1268: The Livonian Brothers of the Sword are defeated by the Pilot Brothers of the Pen.

1972: The California Supreme Court invalidates the state's death penalty, convincing the nation's few remaining maniacs to move to California.

1991: The IRA explodes bombs in the early morning at Paddington station in London. Paddington Bear avoids death by using a marmalade jar as an impromptu helmet.

1998: Two white separatists are arrested in Nevada and accused of plotting a biological attack on New York City subway. They are later acquitted by scientific evidence that neithing biological could survive on the subway anyway.