Tiger's Return
Tiger Woods is expected to announce his return to golf tomorrow. Pro shops are stocking up on condoms and penicillin as we speak.



Risk Reduction
The White House, the Senate and the Treasury Secretary are nearing an agreement on reducing the systemic risks to the financial system. The first thing they plan to do to reduce those risks is to eliminate the White House, the Senate, and the Treasury Secretary.





BBC Anchor Nabbed
British police have arrested a BBC television anchor after he told viewers he carried out a mercy killing on a former lover. Scotland Yard has not said whether it will arrest everyone else at the BBC for mercilessly killing its viewers for 40 years.



Early Release
A judge has okayed the early release of 100 inmates in the Sacramento county jail... unfortunately, the 80 inmates in the California State Assembly are staying in Sacramento for the time being.



No Nudes for Jessica
Jessica Simpson says she will never do a nude scene in a movie. Besides, she's already gotten naked in front of the 150,000 men she's dated since 2006.




February 18th


1268: The Livonian Brothers of the Sword are defeated by the Pilot Brothers of the Pen.


1972: The California Supreme Court invalidates the state's death penalty, convincing the nation's few remaining maniacs to move to California.


1991: The IRA explodes bombs in the early morning at Paddington station in London. Paddington Bear avoids death by using a marmalade jar as an impromptu helmet.


1998: Two white separatists are arrested in Nevada and accused of plotting a biological attack on New York City subway. They are later acquitted by scientific evidence that neithing biological could survive on the subway anyway.