Saturday, January 29, 2011

Egypt Debt
Moody's has just downgraded Egypt's debt rating to "B-". Meanwhile, S&P has downgraded the country's debt rating to "Get the Hell Out!"

Rioting in Egypt is getting so bad, UN peacekeeping troops may have to be diverted to Cairo from their current mission inside Charlie Sheen's house.

Escape from Egypt
Things are getting so bad in Cairo, thousands of Egyptians are trying to get to America by disguising themselves as overpriced King Tut museum souveniers.

Mets for Sale
The financially strapped owners of the New York Mets are trying to sell off 25% of the team. They'll hold on to the other 75% that can't hit or catch the ball.

The Gov's Speech
California Governor Jerry Brown makes his "State of the State" address is today. He's going to ask Californians to support tax hikes, which isn't expected to cause much of a reaction because that part of the speech will not be broadcast in Spanish.

January 31st

1876: The United States orders all Native Americans to move into reservations… or the nearest casino, whichever’s easiest.

1929: The Soviet Union exiles Leon Trotsky. He immediately comes to America to become a Harvard economist.

1990: The first McDonald's in the Soviet Union opens in Moscow… meaning the Cold War was definitively won by obesity and hypertension.

January 30th

1649: King Charles I of England is beheaded. The rest of his body rules England for another 15 years.

1913: The United Kingdom's House of Lords rejects the Irish Home Rule Bill. But since U2 doesn’t exist yet, no one outside of Ireland gives a damn.

1989: The American embassy in Kabul, Afghanistan closes… to make way for a Starbucks.

January 29th

1834: President Andrew Jackson orders first use of federal soldiers to suppress a labor dispute… otherwise known as “the good old days.”

1996: President Jacques Chirac announces a "definitive end" to French nuclear weapons testing. From then on, all French nukes are “pass/fail.”

2001: Thousands of student protesters in Indonesia storm parliament and demand that President Abdurrahman Wahid resign. They back down after they are granted a free period and no homework on weekends.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Paulson's Big Haul
Hedge fund investor John Paulson made $5 billion last year. That's enough money to pay the pensions of three retired members of Congress!

Egyptian Crackdown
The Egyptian government has shut down Internet service in the face of violent protests across the country. There goes all the profits Amazon was hoping to make from selling flammable tires online.

GM Says "No Thanks"
GM says it no longer needs the $14.4 billion loan it had applied for from the government to become more energy efficient... but it will still need another $200 billion bailout from the government when no one buys the Chevy Volt.

NFL Lockout Warning
The NFL says a labor lockout or strike would cost the league $400 million per week. That's $100 million for the teams, and $300 million in lost retainers for all the players' domestic violence defense attorneys.

Carney Gets the Job
Former Time magazine reporter Jay Carney will become the new White House spokesman. Carney will continue to act as a mouthpiece for the Obama administration, now he'll just get paid by the government to do it.

January 28th

1547: Henry VIII dies, allowing hundreds of Englishmen the chance to finish eating the rest of the enormous turkey leg he choked on.

1935: Iceland becomes the first Western country to legalize abortions, making the procedure the second most popular Icelandic pastime after suicide.

1965: The current design of the Flag of Canada is chosen by an act of Parliament. Shockingly, no beer or hockey pucks are represented.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

January 27th

1888: The National Geographic Society is founded in Washington, D.C., dedicated to helping teenage boys see topless pictures of women from Africa.

1967: More than sixty nations sign the Outer Space Treaty banning nuclear weapons in space, but allowing those sexy gold lame jumpsuits for all female astronauts.

1973: The Paris Peace Accords officially end the Vietnam War and give Oliver Stone a career.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Sex Offender Bill
A Virginia state senator has introduced legislation to castrate sex offenders. The bill is extremely popular, almost as popular as legislation to castrate state senators.

Big Donation
A UCLA alumnus who made a fortune in the animal feed business is donating $100 million to the university's public policy school... where professors teach everyone that people who make fortunes in the animal feed business are eco-terrorists.

Taco Bell Lawsuit
A new lawsuit claims that the beef in Taco Bell menu items is not 100% beef. By the way, whatever happened to that chihuahua that used to do the Taco Bell commercials?

Zsa Zsa in the Red
Because of massive debt, Zsa Zsa Gabor now needs to sell her $28 million house. For $29 million, you can have her amputated leg too.

Packer Fan Hired
The salesman fired for wearing a Packer tie to work at a Chicago car dealership has been offered a new job at a nearby car dealership... where people who buy a new car will get the chance to punch the guy wearing the Packer tie.

January 26th

1340: King Edward III of England is declared King of France… all as a part of the hilarious 14th century reality show: “King Swap!”

1564: The Council of Trent issues its conclusions in the Tridentinum, establishing a distinction between Roman Catholicism, Protestantism and rooting for the Jets.

1992: Boris Yeltsin announces that Russia will stop targeting United States cities with nuclear weapons, and start aiming them at the real enemies, bartenders who don’t let you run a tab.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Oprah's Secret Sister
Oprah Winfrey revealed yesterday that she had found her long lost half sister. Oprah is now looking forward to eating the other half she didn't finish 50 years ago.

After Oprah Winfrey revealed that she had found her half sister, she stunned audience members with the revelation that she had hidden all of their long lost half sisters under their seats! "You get a half sister! You get a half sister. You get a half sister, YEAH!!!"

Unfortunately, most of the newly found half sisters did not come tax free.

Browner Out
Energy czar Carol Browner is leaving the Obama administration... well, she plans to leave as soon as she can afford to buy an overpriced Chevy Volt.

State of the Union Pauses
Now that Nancy Pelosi is no longer the Speaker of the House, we won't have to see her jump up and applause 70 times during the State of the Union Address. Of course, President Obama will have to pause at least two or three dozen times to let John Boehner cry.

Hearty Costs
The American Heart Association says the cost of treating heart disease in the U.S. will triple to $800 billion by 2030. Luckily by then, the price of a Big Mac will be $17,000.

January 25th

1915: Alexander Graham Bell inaugurates U.S. transcontinental telephone service by phoning Thomas Watson in San Francisco and asking him is he has “Prince Albert in the can.”

1946: The United Mine Workers rejoins the American Federation of Labor, giving the AFL access to much needed dynamite and dirt to throw at Republican candidates for the last 64 years.

1961: In Washington, D.C. John F. Kennedy delivers the first live presidential television news conference. Unfortunately, the cameras do not capture the more compelling image of Marilyn Monroe kneeling behind the presidential podium the entire time.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

DSO Strike
The Detroit Symphony Hall has been closed for 17 weeks because of an ongoing musicians strike. Experts are shocked that a building has been empty for that long in Detroit with getting set on fire.

Olbermann Out
After six years of being tripled in the ratings, Keith Olbermann is out at MSNBC. Olbermann suddenly realized that if he was going to get paid to get his butt kicked every night, he might as well take a job coaching the Knicks.

Illinois Freeloaders
90% of retired Illinois state workers make no contributions to their health care coverage. The other 10% are crazy Bears fans and will die young of disappointment anyway.

Economic Outlook
A new USA Today survey shows 90% of economists believe the economy is getting better. The other 10% thought the question was about America's economy and not China's.

LaLanne Dies
Jack LaLanne has died at 96. It's not clear if he's in Heaven or making people do 15 million situps per day in Hell.

January 24th

1679: King Charles II of England disbands Parliament. It re-forms a year later as the Minnesota Twins.

1857: The University of Calcutta is formally founded. The decision is second-guessed months later when spring rush brings out 517,000 too many pledges for the Delta Delta Delta.

1986: Voyager 2 passes within 51,000 miles of Uranus… and is immediately slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit.

January 23rd

1368: In a coronation ceremony, Zhu Yuanzhang ascends to the throne of China... thanks mostly to his “tiger mom.”

1941: Charles Lindbergh testifies before the U.S. Congress and recommends that the United States negotiate a neutrality pact with Adolf Hitler… either that or do something about Jews joining his country club, whichever’s easier.

2002: "American Taliban" John Walker Lindh returns to the United States to face a trial for treason and to accept an honorary degree at Yale University.

January 22nd

1521: Charles V, Holy Roman Emperor, opens the Diet of Worms… all things being equal, most of the attendees opt for the South Beach Diet instead.

1973: The Supreme Court of the United States delivers its decision in Roe v. Wade, allowing white liberals to finally start celebrating the killings of black children again.

1987: Philippine security forces open fire on a crowd of 10,000–15,000 demonstrators at Malacañang Palace, Manila, killing 13… proving that Phillipino security force can’t shoot worth a damn.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Obama Taps Immelt
President Obama is about to put GE CEO Jeffrey Immelt at the head of a new White House board in charge of boosting private sector hiring. Obama chose Immelt, because he's the only chief executive who's a bigger failure than the president is.

Walmart Protest a Bust
Only 25 people showed up to yesterday's union protest at the home of a Walmart developer in Washington D.C. More picketers would have showed up, but they were all too busy buying cheap stuff at Walmart.

Idaho vs. Obamacare
Idaho lawmakers are about to nullify the new health care law for their state. Hey, they've kept touch-tone phones out for the last 40 years, why not Obamacare?

Late Leaf
Nissan is months late on delivering its new electric Leaf car to its dealers. The delivery trucks just can't find a place to re-charge.

James Engaged
Less than a year after news broke that he had cheated on his wife Sandra Bullock, Jesse James is ready to tie the knot again. Sure he's a philanderer, but a guy with 500 tattoos must know something about lifetime commitments!

January 21st

1793: King Louis XVI of France is executed by guillotine. The angry mob then moves on to form “Greenpeace.”

1908: New York City passes the Sullivan Ordinance, making it illegal for women to smoke in public… but legal to pee on the subway.

1968: A B-52 bomber crashes near Thule Air Base at the North Pole, losing one of the four nuclear bombs in its payload. The bomb is still unaccounted for, but it’s assumed Santa gave it to some kid who was REALLY good that Christmas.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Immigrant Policy
The Obama team is promising a crackdown on illegal workers by setting up a new audit office to look over employment records. The office will be staffed with mostly illegal aliens.

Walmart Partnership
Walmart and First Lady Michele Obama will make a joint announcement later today on a new plan to help sell more healthy food to kids. The partnership is natural, since Walmart has already been supplying Mrs. Obama with most of her wardrobe since 2009.

Big Decision
A federal judge has ruled that gay state workers can sue the federal government for spousal benefits. The ruling comes as a shock to millions of Americans that don't know there are any federal workers who aren't gay.

Berkeley Change of Heart
Berkeley's city council is reconsidering a plan to pay for its city workers' sex change operations. I mean... if you can't also pay for a complete wardrobe change too, what's the point?

Bloomberg's Priority
New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg now says that cutting city worker pensions will be his "number one priority" this year... but if the sanitation guys agree to finally plow his driveway, he might reconsider.

January 20th

1649: Charles I of England goes on trial for treason. His defense is that he was unaware he was in a “No Treason” zone.

1885: L.A. Thompson patents the roller coaster… and the corners the market on barf-clearing sawdust.

1991: Sudan's government imposes Islamic law nationwide… because Sudan was getting just too modern and fun.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Goldman at the White House
Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein has been invited to meet with Chinese President Hu Jintao at the White House today. It's a good move since Hu is probably going to ask to speak with President Obama's supervisor at some point anyway.

Texas Cuts
The new Texas state budget calls for $5 billion in cuts to education. Luckily, the only things being eliminated are the high school classes the football players are only pretending to go to anyway.

Apple Rocks
Apple has sold 16.2 million iPhones in just the last 12 weeks. Thank God our government is about to pay for the health care for 16.2 million people who can afford a $499 cell phone.

New Business
In order to make more money, some morticians are now using their business space to host weddings. For most men, having a wedding in funeral home is entirely appropriate.

Heat Lose Again
The Miami Heat lost their fourth straight game last night, forcing team attorneys to re-examine their contract with Satan.

January 19th

1861: Georgia joins South Carolina, Florida, Mississippi, and Alabama in seceding from the United States and forming the South Eastern Football Conference.

1949: Cuba recognizes Israel… mostly on the orders of Hyman Roth.

1983: Nazi war criminal Klaus Barbie is arrested and forced to become the head of the Yale University Middle Eastern Studies Dept.