DSO Strike
The Detroit Symphony Hall has been closed for 17 weeks because of an ongoing musicians strike. Experts are shocked that a building has been empty for that long in Detroit with getting set on fire.



Olbermann Out
After six years of being tripled in the ratings, Keith Olbermann is out at MSNBC. Olbermann suddenly realized that if he was going to get paid to get his butt kicked every night, he might as well take a job coaching the Knicks.



Illinois Freeloaders
90% of retired Illinois state workers make no contributions to their health care coverage. The other 10% are crazy Bears fans and will die young of disappointment anyway.



Economic Outlook
A new USA Today survey shows 90% of economists believe the economy is getting better. The other 10% thought the question was about America's economy and not China's.



LaLanne Dies
Jack LaLanne has died at 96. It's not clear if he's in Heaven or making people do 15 million situps per day in Hell.





January 24th


1679: King Charles II of England disbands Parliament. It re-forms a year later as the Minnesota Twins.

1857: The University of Calcutta is formally founded. The decision is second-guessed months later when spring rush brings out 517,000 too many pledges for the Delta Delta Delta.

1986: Voyager 2 passes within 51,000 miles of Uranus… and is immediately slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit.