Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Oprah's Secret Sister
Oprah Winfrey revealed yesterday that she had found her long lost half sister. Oprah is now looking forward to eating the other half she didn't finish 50 years ago.

After Oprah Winfrey revealed that she had found her half sister, she stunned audience members with the revelation that she had hidden all of their long lost half sisters under their seats! "You get a half sister! You get a half sister. You get a half sister, YEAH!!!"

Unfortunately, most of the newly found half sisters did not come tax free.

Browner Out
Energy czar Carol Browner is leaving the Obama administration... well, she plans to leave as soon as she can afford to buy an overpriced Chevy Volt.

State of the Union Pauses
Now that Nancy Pelosi is no longer the Speaker of the House, we won't have to see her jump up and applause 70 times during the State of the Union Address. Of course, President Obama will have to pause at least two or three dozen times to let John Boehner cry.

Hearty Costs
The American Heart Association says the cost of treating heart disease in the U.S. will triple to $800 billion by 2030. Luckily by then, the price of a Big Mac will be $17,000.

January 25th

1915: Alexander Graham Bell inaugurates U.S. transcontinental telephone service by phoning Thomas Watson in San Francisco and asking him is he has “Prince Albert in the can.”

1946: The United Mine Workers rejoins the American Federation of Labor, giving the AFL access to much needed dynamite and dirt to throw at Republican candidates for the last 64 years.

1961: In Washington, D.C. John F. Kennedy delivers the first live presidential television news conference. Unfortunately, the cameras do not capture the more compelling image of Marilyn Monroe kneeling behind the presidential podium the entire time.


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