Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Kerry Clarifies
John Kerry is insisting that his comment about how people who "don't study in school end up stuck in Iraq" was a botched joke directed at President Bush, not soldiers. But the only botched joke Kerry is responsible for is his 2004 presidential campaign.

Kerry Clarifies II
John Kerry is insisting that his comment about how people who "don't study in school end up stuck in Iraq" was not directed at U.S. soldiers. Actually, what he meant to say was that people who don't study in school end up working on his staff.

Abstinence for Everyone
The federal government is now targeting unmarried adults up to age 29, in addition to teens, as part of its taxpayer-funded abstinence-only programs. Apparently, the government wants to be the only one screwing us.

Top 5 Slogans in the Government's Adult Abstinence Campaign

5) "Hey, save yourself for your Congressman!"

4) "Al Qaeda is Plotting to Destroy America and You're Having Sex?"

3) "Keep Your Pants On for a Better America!"

2) "If George and Laura Bush Can Stay Celibate for 26 Years, So Can You!"

1) "You'd Look Good in a Burka!"

Katsav Defiant
Israeli President Moshe Katsav is refusing to step down, even though several women have accused him of rape. Instead, Katsav is advising angry Israeli citizens to just "relax and enjoy it."

Hubble Rescue
NASA has approved sending a space shuttle to repair the 16-year-old Hubble Space Telescope. This reverses an earlier decision to just let it sit until the guys from tech support in India get their own space program.

North Korea to Return
North Korea has agreed to rejoin six-nation talks on its nuclear weapons program. It's something the U.S. State Department is calling a major victory, because now the diplomats can get the six-person Pu Pu Platter special at every working lunch.

KFC Change
KFC is eliminating trans fats from its chicken, promising to use only soybean oil by this April. KFC customers are expected to respond to the healthier choices by ordering twice as much food during every visit.

To 5 New KFC Ad Slogans

5) "Severed Finger Lickin' Good"

4) "We Were Originally known as 'Kentucky Fried Possum'... Still Worried About Trans Fats?"

3) "Jesus Never Cared About No Cholesterol"

2) "Fewer Trans Fats, More Meat from Cats!"

1) "The Colonel Died of a Heart Attack... Who Says You Deserve Better?"

Reese and Ryan Kaput
Oscar winner Reese Witherspoon and "Flags of Our Fathers" star Ryan Phillippe are separating after more than seven years of marriage. The couple has already agreed to share time with their two children, but they're expected to wage a bitter custody battle over their communal hair.

Weird Things We're Seeing on the Campaign Trail

5) Republicans up for re-election telling the White House they're "too busy washing their hair," when President Bush comes to town.

4) Nancy Pelosi getting the "Speaker of the House Face-lift Special" at the plastic surgery clinic

3) Worried Republicans countering Michael J. Fox's campaign for Democrats with videotaped scenes from "Family Ties" where Alex P. Keaton espouses conservative principles

2) Candidates actually getting attacked for going to Playboy parties... this is America, not Afghanistan

1) Depressed incumbents about to face losing their jobs and having to sell their houses on the depressed Washington D.C. real estate market

Pentagon PR Campaign
Responding to intense criticism over the war in Iraq, the Pentagon is boosting its public relations staff, starting a quick "rapid response" operation on news programs, and sending spokespeople across the country. Gee, maybe if they responded to problems in Iraq this way we'd win the actual war.

New GOP White House Hopeful
Congressman Duncan Hunter, the chairman of the House Armed Services Committee, says he may run for the presidency in 2008. With all the money he's received from defense contractors over the years, Hunter says the least he could do is win the White House and start a few more wars.

Campaign Spam
More candidates in this midterm election are reaching out to the voters via email. So while I used to get all my spam from people trying to enlarge my penis; now I'm getting contacted by the penises directly!

Monday, October 30, 2006

Casey Apologizes
A few days after asking for more troops in Iraq, top General George Casey is apologizing for "giving the wrong impression"... Casey shouldn't have let anyone think he knows what he's doing.

Missing Weapons
A new audit shows that about 14,000 American guns and other weapons are missing in Iraq. We probably left them in the same place we put our strategy to win.

Midterm Predictions
With eight days until election day, experts say control of the Congress is about to change hands... but I doubt the lobbyists will let anyone else run the government.

GOP Denials
Republican leaders in the House are now strongly denying they could have done anything about the Mark Foley scandal because they didn't know about his "explicit email conversations" with young pages. In fact, as proponents and products of abstinence only sex education, the Congressmen now claim they wouldn't have understood any of those emails even if they had seen them.

Bus Thief
Orlando police have arrested a 15-year-old boy who they say stole a city bus, picked up passengers, and collected fares. Witnesses say they knew something was fishy when the bus started going faster than 25 miles per hour.

LIRR Lawsuits
Despite several warnings, riders on the Long Island commuter railroad continue to fall into the gaps between train doors and station platforms and are planning to sue. Now the railroad is bracing itself for a series of lawsuits set to be filed by riders who accidentally flushed themselves down the on-board toilets.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday

Gun Safety Class
A suburban school district in Texas that has been teaching students to attack a gunman if he invades a classroom said it has halted the program... mostly because most of those kids ended up beating up their armed parents when they came to pick them up from school.

Sex Disease
New Scientist magazine reported that researchers are struggling to understand a rare medical condition where sufferers have sex while they're asleep. The name of the disease is called "marriage."

Ancient Footprints
Researchers say newly-found ancient human footprints discovered in the Mexican desert may be among the oldest in the Americas. The second oldest are the footprints of the ancient border patrol agents who were chasing after them.

Life Clock
There's a new website called deathclock.com which estimates how much time users have left to live. Of course, you could always get that information from the people at your health insurance company.

Border Fence
President Bush signed a bill Thursday authorizing the construction of a fence along 700 miles of the U.S.-Mexico border. On the other 1,400 miles of the border, the U.S. will continue using the highly successful "honor system."

Fatter = More Gas
A new report says the rise in obesity is forcing Americans to use more gas. So THAT'S why they sell all those cheap donuts at the gas station!

Fatter = More Gas II
A new report says the rise in obesity is forcing Americans to use more gas. And the rise in obesity is responsible for more Americans giving off gas too.

Pricey Stadium
The NFL says the cost of a new or renovated stadium in the Los Angeles area could top $1 billion. That's $500 million for the stadium, and $500 million in traffic control for all the L.A. fans that'll be leaving during the third quarter.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

NJ Gay Marriage Ruling
New Jersey's State Supreme Court issued a ruling Wednesday allowing for gay civil unions, but not exactly allowing gay marriage. So, the only way you can be gay in New Jersey and get equal rights is to run for Governor.

Limbaugh on Fox
Rush Limbaugh says Michael J. Fox is faking his Parkinson's symptoms in a new commercial where the actor calls for more stem cell research. Of course, Limbaugh is just jealous because Fox gets all the good prescription drugs.

More Troops?
General George Casey, the top commander in Iraq, says he may call for more troops to be sent to Baghdad... mostly because the White House wants to stop them from voting in the midterm elections.

Top 5 New Bills the House will Pass if Nancy Pelosi Becomes Speaker

5) H.R. 1152: The Nationwide No White Shoes After Labor Day Act

4) H.R. 1312: The Free Botox Distribution to Poor and Middle Class Women Act

3) H.R. 2253: The Make Wednesday "Rice-A-Roni Day" Act

2) H.R. 1560: The Plastic Surgery Tax Relief Act

1) H.R. 4567: The Legalize Egg-Throwing at President Bush Act

Fed Decision
The Federal Reserve Board decided to keep interest rates the same Wednesday. Apparently, the Fed thinks it will be more fun to screw the American public in December.

Egan's Defense
New York's Cardinal Egan said in a letter that recent criticism leveled against him is coming from disgruntled priests who molested children. Actually, the disgruntled priests are the ones who didn't get to molest children.

Jersey Execution Standard
The New Jersey Supreme Court ruled this week that state prosecutors no longer have to prove a defendant is mentally fit to be executed. And that's only fair, since you certainly don't have to be mentally fit to live in New Jersey either.

Star Trek Cameo
Tom Cruise is in negotiations to play a cameo role in the upcoming Star Trek film. It's hard to tell what's crazier; Tom Cruise, or the fact that there's going to be another Star Trek film.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Skilling Sentenced
Former Enron CEO Jeff Skilling has been sentenced to 24 years in prison for conspiracy and fraud. Skilling now has three months to file and appeal, three weeks to report to prison, and three days to fake his own death.

Iraq Timetable
Iraqi leaders have agreed to develop a timeline for when their forces would take full control of security in the country. Currently, that time is somewhere in between the year 3000 and when Hell freezes over.

Bush Speeches
President Bush has decided to stop using the "stay the course" phrase in his speeches about Iraq... mostly because he finally figured out what "stay the course" means.

New Terminology
The White House says President Bush will not longer stress "stay the course" as a central goal in Iraq, and instead will focus on "milestones" and "benchmarks." For example, instead of saying that yesterday marked the 2,800 American death in Iraq, President Bush will say that yesterday was when every American soldier remained alive for the entire war... except for those 2,800 who died.

Iraq Waiting
Pushing for patience on Iraq, the White House said Monday that, "the United States is not in the business of issuing ultimatums"... which comes as a great relief to Iran and North Korea.

TomKat Wedding
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have set November 18th as their wedding date. Apparently it will take another four weeks to complete Katie's hypnopsis.

Hillary Fires Back
Responding to claims from her election opponent that she used to be ugly and had plastic surgery, Hillary Clinton said that she was "cute" in high school. But the only person who thought so was Mark Foley.

Bush on CEO's
President Bush said Monday that he's "astounded" by some of the astronomical salaries for corporate CEO's. He was even more shocked when he learned that his policies are the reason why none of those CEO's pays any taxes.

Bathroom Policy
New York has agreed to allow trans-gendered people to use any bathroom they want at subway stations. But what are the odds of finding someone crazy enough to have a sex-change AND use a subway bathroom?

Spencer's Gaffe
Senator Hillary Clinton's election challenger, John Spencer, told a reporter that Mrs. Clinton must have received "millions of dollars" in plastic surgery. Of course that's ridiculous, because if it were true those doctors would have a heck of a malpractice suit on their hands.

Bush Campaign Strategy
President Bush would like to start giving campaign speeches about the growing economy, and less about the war in Iraq. It's just that all the people doing the best in this economy are making their money off the war in Iraq.

Top 5 Ways the Iraqi Government Can Take More Responsibility

5) Stop letting themselves get killed all the time

4) Do something useful and help the White House blame all this on Bill Clinton

3) In the midst of all the killing, spend $20 million on a victory party... oh wait, that's what WE'RE doing

2) Two words: "Outlaw bombs"

1) Let them pay those bills from Halliburton for once

Episcopals Approve Gays
Connecticut's bishop announced over the weekend that Episcopal parishes in the state may bless same-sex couples. But that probably won't be enough to convince gay people to bag the "Project Runway" re-runs and go to church.

Harry Potter Nude
Daniel Radcliffe, the 17 year-old star of the Harry Potter movies, will soon make his London stage debut in "Equus," in which he will have to perform a nude scene. Well, he does have a magic wand.

Bigger Iran
Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he opposes the nation's longstanding policy that encouraged families to have just two children, saying that Iran could cope with 50 million more people... you know after the first 50 million die from religious executions and radiation poisoning.

London Flu Spray
It was revealed this week that London's Tube trains and stations could be sprayed with a powerful new anti-flu disinfectant. The news comes as a relief to the thousands of would-be suicide bombers who would hate to get sick on their mission.

Celebrity Money
Statisticians studying celebrity salaries say it takes Howard Stern 24 seconds to make $1,000 dollars, Dr. Phil takes 2 minutes and 42 seconds and Brad Pitt takes 4 minutes and 48 seconds. Statisticians studying politicians say it takes each of them just 5 seconds to waste $1 million.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Obama in '08?
Senator Barack Obama now says he's considering a run for president in 2008, backing off previous statements that he would not do so. By breaking the first promise he ever made in office, Obama has now proved himself extremely well-qualified to be President.

Bestiality Arrest
A Washington man accused of having sex with the family dog has been charged under the state's new animal cruelty law, which makes bestiality a felony. Of course, you have to think that sending a guy who's having sex with a dog to prison is kind of a step up.

Bestiality Arrest II
A Washington man accused of having sex with the family dog has been charged under the state's new animal cruelty law, which makes bestiality a felony. The arrest is now convincing thousands of desperate Washington men to move to Montana.

Gas Prices Drop
Gas prices have dropped another eight cents a gallon this week. Gas is getting so cheap, people might even be able to afford to drive to the polls on election day!

Thursday, October 19, 2006

NFL Stadium Threat a Hoax
The Department of Homeland Security has deemed the Internet dirty bomb NFL stadium threat to be a hoax. That means the only remaining serious threat to NFL stadiums is drunken Eagles fans.

Bush Agrees with the Times
President Bush says he agrees with a New York Times editorial that the current rise in violence in Iraq is like the Tet offensive in Vietnam... in that he intends to ignore the problems in Iraq just like he ignored orders to serve in Vietnam.

Bush on Tet II
President Bush says the current rise in violence in Iraq may be compared to the Tet offensive in Vietnam, but he denied the violence means the campaign is failing. Of course, he also still denies that we failed in Vietnam.

Clinton on Bush
Bill Clinton on Wednesday criticized the Bush administration and leaders in Congress as, "narrow-minded, extremist drones bent only on helping their rich friends." Then he got back in his limosine and headed for his private box at the Barbara Streissand concert.

Mayor's Car Gets Jacked
An aide to New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg, who was driving the mayor's Lexus, was carjacked on Wednesday in Hackensack, New Jersey. Democrats say the incident is proof that the Metropolitan Area is fully engulfed in civil war.

FEMA Response
FEMA units responded to the Hawaiian earthquake with their biggest deployment since Hurricane Katrina. Yeah, it's a complete mystery as to why so many FEMA workers were so desperate to get to there.

New Bible Tapes
Samuel L. Jackson will be the voice of God in a new audio presentation of the Bible that will be geared toward black Christians. Hopefully, they won't be shocked when God repeatedly calls Moses a motherf**ker.

Gun-Toting Immigrant
A Korean woman hoping to become a U.S. citizen, was arrested after arriving at her naturalization ceremony with a gun in her purse. She may now not become a citizen, but she has the inside track on becoming a U.S. high school teacher.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

NFL Stadium Threat
The Department of Homeland Security says there is a terrorist threat against NFL stadiums. The result will be beefed-up security at all sites except for Raiders games; the terrorists are too afraid to go there.

Lay's Conviction Overturned
A federal judge has overturned former Enron CEO Ken Lay's fraud conviction because Lay died before he could appeal. Jeff Skilling responded to the news by asking to take flying lessons over Manhattan.

Space Policy
President Bush has signed a new National Space Policy that asserts a right to deny access to space to any "hostile to U.S. interests." This could put a wrench in Pakistan's plans to send a man to the Moon in a Yellow Cab.

Madonna Adoption
While Madonna insists she followed the law in adopting a one-year old Malawian boy, the boy's father said "everything has happened so fast" that he didn't realize he was permanently giving up his only child. Actually, what he didn't realize was that he could have asked for a lot more than $5 and a working toilet.

Iceland Whaling
Iceland said Tuesday that it would resume commercial whaling, defying a world-wide ban. Actually, it's a smokescreen... Iceland really just want to make a nuclear bomb.

Pimp Convicted
A New York man, who pimped a 15 year-old girl and then tried to persuade her not to testify against him because he loved her more than "grits and eggs," was sentenced Tuesday to eight years in prison. Coincidentally, "grits and eggs" is what his new cellmates will be calling his penis.

Lance and Matthew?
Lance Armstrong is denying rumors that he had a homosexual affair with Matthew McConaughey after he broke up with Sheryl Crow. Steroids make you crazy, but not THAT crazy.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Snipes Warrant
An arrest warrant has been issued for Wesley Snipes on charges of tax fraud. Snipes is reportedly stuffing five-year's worth of his W-2's into the back of a white Ford Bronco as he prepares for a low-speed chase through the streets of Miami.

Bush Call
In a 15 minute phone call, President Bush assured Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki that U.S. troops would not leave his country too soon... and he also saved him a bunch of money on his car insurance.

White House Response
In response to the James Baker's report recommending a withdrawal from Iraq, White House spokesperson Tony Snow said, "We are not going to outsource the business of handling the war in Iraq." That statement sent Halliburton stock into a freefall.

Flu Vaccine
Government scientists say they have created a vaccine against the catastrophic Spanish flu virus of 1918-1919. So if the bird flu hits, we'll only have to wait about 90 years for a cure.

New Campaign Media
Political candidates are now using popular websites Facebook, MySpace, and YouTube to give their campaigns free publicity, bypass traditional media, and date more 16-year-olds.

Tyson Wants to Fight
Mike Tyson wants to have a boxing match against Ann Wolfe, a female middle-weight, who has won 17 of her 18 professional bouts. It's the fight Tyson has trained his entire married life for.

Controversial Program
The United States Agency for International Development has vowed to stop funding a program in Africa that promotes female circumcision. But the campaign will still be led in America by Laura Bush.

New Pope Movie
The Vatican has endorsed a new animated film called "John Paul II, the Friend of Humanity," which chronicles the life of the last pontiff. Unfortunately, the movie also features the Pope's wacky sidekick "Morris the Pedophile Priest."

Rapper Shot & Arrested
The rapper "Fabolos" is in stable condition after being shot early Tuesday in Manhattan. Fabolos is also facing gun possession charges himself, along with charges of possessing an erroneous letter "o."

Fasting Record
A Russian man has set a new world record for fasting at 50 days. But that record is about to be broken by everyone in North Korea.

Monday, October 16, 2006

North Korea Tests
Air samples gathered in North Korea confirm that North Korea conducted an underground nuclear explosion. Wait a minute... you're telling me they have air in North Korea?

China Cautions
China is concerned about new sanctions calling for the searches of all cargo ships going from North Korea... because that's where China sends all of its unwanted human body parts.

Top 5 Signs U.N. Sanctions are Already Hurting North Korea

5) Most North Koreans now actually willing to eat those Atkins-friendly snacks

4) Kim Jong Il has had to take a second job moonlighting as Mongolia's dictator

3) The only movie playing in North Korean theaters is Lady in the Water

2) Everyone in the country is now willing to be adopted by Madonna

1) Local scientists now busy constructing something more deadly than a nuclear bomb; a Big Mac

U.S. Population
Census officials predict that the U.S. population will hit 300 million this week. That's one American for every illegal alien.

Top Movie
The number one movie at the box office this weekend was The Grudge 2. The film is about how the Bush Administration continues to blame everything on Bill Clinton.

Stewart Convicted
Attorney Lynne Stewart was sentenced Monday to nearly 2½ years in prison for helping an imprisoned terrorist. Of course in a case dealing with a lawyer and a member of al Qaeda, it was hard to tell which one was the terrorist.

Football Fight
After reviewing a brutal brawl between players from Miami and Florida International Saturday, officials have suspended 31 of them from football. Luckily for the players, they still won't be expected to go to class.

Israeli President Charged
Police in Israel are recommending that the country's president be charged with rape and other crimes against several women. The news is a disgrace for Israel, but at least the Democrats in the U.S. have a new front runner for the presidential nomination in 2008!

U.S. Nun Sainted
A 19th century American nun has been named a saint by Pope Benedict XVI. Mother Theodore Guerin is credited with creating churches, colleges, and the ruler-on-hand slap.

Hawaii Quake
A major earthquake has hit the Hawaiian Islands. Even though no one has been hurt, every reporter at FOX News and CNN is begging to be sent there for some reason.

Buffalo Storm
325,000 homes and businesses still have no electricity in the Buffalo area after last week's snow storm. Well, that's at least 325,000 lucky people who didn't have to watch the Bills game Sunday.

Friday, October 13, 2006

"I Wanna Be Back-Dated" (lyrics by Jake Novak)

Sung to the tune of “I Wanna Be Sedated” by The Ramones

Twenty-twenty months since our stock hit its low… I wanna be back-dated
My salary and bonus ain’t enough oh no, I wanna be back-dated
Just get me my own airport, buy me my own plane
Hurry hurry hurry, because I can complain
I control the board, I control their brains
Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Twenty-twenty months since our stock hit its low, I wanna be back-dated
Do it real fast so Spitzer won’t know, I wanna be back-dated
I need to buy a cruise ship, I got children to be fed
Options pay me when I’m living, they pay me when I’m dead
The market’s always moving, but I can always win
Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Twenty-twenty months since our stock hit its low, I wanna be back-dated
My salary and bonus ain’t enough oh no, I wanna be back-dated
Just get me out to Davos, I’m the CEO
Match the competition, or out the door I go
I control the boardroom, I run the whole show
Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be back-dated
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be back-dated
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be back-dated
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be back-dated

Hastert Disinvited
In the aftermath of the Mark Foley affair, many Republican Congressmen are asking House Speaker Dennis Hastert not to come to their campaign events... although it's not clear if they're doing that to avoid the scandal or just because Hastert always eats all the food.

New U.K. General on Iraq
Britain's new top general says his country's troops need to withdraw from Iraq because they are making the security situation worse. Al Qaeda agrees, saying that all those British troops are getting in the way when they're trying to kill Americans.

Top 5 Reasons the British Should Pull Out of Iraq

5) Hard to make tea when people keep shooting at you

4) It's too embarrassing that the Iraqis have better teeth than they do

3) They could actually replace a whole a battalion with Fergie

2) Troops dangerously beginning to get used to climate that isn't cold and rainy all the time

1) Need to plan much more justified bombing of France

Warner Bows Out
Former Virginia Governor Mark Warner has decided not to seek the Democratic nomination for President in 2008. Warner cited several reasons, including the long hours, his love of this family, and the fact that he still has a shred of decency.

Jail Strategy
An Ohio man who couldn't find steady work decided to rob a bank and then get free housing in jail for a few years. This is sort of what most American CEO's are doing now too.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Lidle Crash
Yankee pitcher and pilot Cory Lidle and his flight instructor were killed in the small plane that crashed into an apartment building in Manhattan today. George Steinbrenner is responding by sending Alex Rodriguez for flying lessons.

Lidle Crash II
Yankee pitcher and pilot Cory Lidle and his flight instructor were killed in the small plane that crashed into an apartment building in Manhattan today. George Steinbrenner is reacting by threatening to fire Joe Torre.

Lidle Crash III
Yankee pitcher and pilot Cory Lidle and his flight instructor were killed in the small plane that crashed into an apartment building in Manhattan today. Witnesses say the plane crashed and burned faster than the Yankees' postseason.

Lidle Crash IV
Yankee pitcher and pilot Cory Lidle and his flight instructor were killed in the small plane that an apartment building in Manhattan today. The Bush administration is blaming Bill Clinton.

Lidle Crash V
Yankee pitcher and pilot Cory Lidle and his flight instructor were killed in the small plane that into an apartment building in Manhattan today. The Bush administration is now calling for U.N. sanctions against relief pitchers.

Iraq Deaths
A new study says the war in Iraq has killed about 655,000 Iraqis... but nobody cares because none of them is a Yankee relief pitcher.

Iraq Deaths II
President Bush says a new study that says the war in Iraq has killed about 655,000 Iraqis is "not credible." But that's only because he doesn't know anyone who can count that high.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006


A small plane has crashed into an apartment on the 30th floor of a high-rise building on Manhattan's Upper East Side. Millions of anxious New Yorkers are now trying to find out if the apartment was rent stabilized.

A small plane has crashed into an apartment on the 30th floor of a high-rise building on Manhattan's Upper East Side. Millions of New Yorkers are now trying to find out if the pilot had Mets tickets.

President Bush has been notified of the incident. He will continue reading children's books until further notice.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

North Korea Sanctions
The U.S. is currently considering several types of sanctions against North Korea in response to its nuclear test. They include freezing bank accounts, banning all non-humanitarian imports, and sending Mark Foley to Pyong-yang.

Nuke Test Mishap?
U.S. officials believe something went wrong with North Korea's nuclear test. But it's hard to tell, because all of North Korea looks like it's just been hit by a nuclear bomb.

Torre Stays
The New York Yankees have decided to keep Joe Torre as manager despite this weekend's shocking playoff loss to the Detroit Tigers. Yankee officials cited many reasons for the decision, including Torre's career record, his popularity with the fans, and the fact that George Steinbrenner has recently started taking a lot more medication.

Med Diet
A new medical study shows that people eating a Mediterranean diet have a better chance of avoiding Alzheimer's Disease. No wonder there will never be peace between the Arabs and Jews; nobody in the Middle East can ever forget anything!

Hastert's Pledge
House Speaker Dennis Hastert has vowed to fire any of his staffers who covered up the Mark Foley scandal. While he's at it, he's also threatening to fire any aides who convinced him to support the war in Iraq, tax cuts for the rich, and illegal immigration.

Allen's Options
Virginia Senator George Allen is now accused of not reporting stock options he was awarded as a board member of a tech company. Allen is making things worse by using a questionable defense; insisting that ever since he found out he was Jewish, profit just means more to him than government.

Monday, October 09, 2006

North Korea Test
North Korea has defied the world and tested a nuclear device. Later today, the Communist country will test another device its people have never seen before; a can-opener.

North Korea Sanctions
The world is responding to North Korea's nuclear test with severe sanctions. This means from now on, all North Koreans will have to find their own dirt to eat.

North Korea Reactions
Reactions to the North Korean nuclear test announcement have been swift. President Bush is condemning the Asian nation, U.S. ambassador to the U.N. John Bolton is calling for sanctions, and House Speaker Dennis Hastert is trying to cover it up.

Midterm Poll
The latest surveys show Democrats now have a huge advantage over Republicans in the pre-election polls. Democrats now hold a 64% majority of women voters, 55% of elderly voters, and 100% of 18-year-old male voters who used to work as pages on Capitol Hill.

Army Recruitment
Thanks to drastically reduced aptitude and intelligence requirements, the U.S. Army beat its recruitment goals for 2006. Hey, it works for Arizona State, so why not the Army?

Army Recruitment II
Thanks to drastically reduced aptitude and intelligence requirements, the U.S. Army beat its recruitment goals for 2006. Hey, it worked for the Republicans in the White House, so why not the Army?

Top 5 Questions on the Army's Super-Easy New Aptitude Test

5) When was the last time Saturday Night Live was funny?

4) Spell "potato" (you may use this questionnaire to help you answer)

3) 2 + 2 = a)4 b) 4 c) 4 d) 4

2) Do you feel very attached to any of your limbs?

1) There's no hope of winning, and an invasion is sure to throw the country into a civil war, do you invade anyway?

Economics Nobel Laureate
Columbia University Professor Edmund Phelps has won the 2006 Nobel Memorial Prize in Economics. He was recognized for his landmark work that somehow explained how Columbia can get away with charging $45,000 for its annual tuition.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

A-Rod Takes the Blame
Yankee third baseman Alex Rodriguez is taking the bulk of the criticism after New York lost in the first round of the baseball playoffs. But at least Rodriguez now has more time for his off-season job; political adviser to Mark Foley.

Torre Out?
Published reports say Yankee owner George Steinbrenner wants to fire manager Joe Torre. Luckily, Torre's long experience leading a bunch of overpaid underachievers should get him a new job as CEO of Halliburton.

Jeter's Off-Season
Yankee captain Derek Jeter will spend much of the off-season promoting his new cologne. The fragrance smells exactly like Alex Rodriguez's tears.

Top 5 Yankee Excuses

5) Top sluggers too busy counting their money to go to batting practice

4) George Steinbrenner is so cute when he's angry

3) Complaining about your teammates to Sports Illustrated is a lot more fun than winning the World Series

2) Mark Foley kept text-messaging the team bat boy all season

1) They've just run out of ways to cheat

T.O. Toasted
The Philadelphia Eagles beat the Dallas Cowboys Sunday in Terrell Owens' much-anticipated return to Philly. The Eagles stuffed T.O. by keeping him away from the ball and the local pharmacy.

Pope's Message
Pope Benedict XVI moved away from focusing on radical Islam and spoke out against gays today, calling them the greatest threat to marriage; which makes sense because gays routinely do things like suicide bombing wedding receptions.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Foley's Past
Mark Foley's claim that he was sexually abused as a teenager by a clergyman has angered many victims of sexual abuse who say that being victimized is no excuse for victimizing others.... but it does teach you some really good moves.

Condi's Message
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice flew into Baghdad Thursday to press Iraqi leaders to resolve their differences and ease raging sectarian violence that has killed thousands.... or at least take out their aggressions on liberal reporters back in the U.S.

Paris Punched
Paris Hilton is saying that she was punched by Shanna Moakler, a former Miss USA, during a nightclub fight... thus making Shanna Moakler the new most popular woman in America right now.

Jen & Vince Kaput
Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn have broken up. It turns out Aniston is still more in love with Brad Pitt and Vaughn is still more in love with Bratwurst and Old Milwaukee.

Wiretap Ruling
The U.S. Court of Appeals has ruled that the Bush administration can continue the warrantless surveillance program while it appeals a ruling that the program is unconstitutional. Of course the Bush administration already knew about the ruling last week that because it bugged the court's phone.

Guns for Teachers
A Wisconsin state lawmaker is suggesting arming teachers, principals and other school personnel as a safety measure. And in most cases, the students can teach the faculty how to use them.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday

Republican Tactic
Many Congressional Republicans are now trying to blame the Democrats for covering up the Mark Foley scandal, even though no Democrats have any leadership positions in Congress. It's all part of the GOP's brilliant, "I know you are, but what am I?" campaign strategy.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Foley's Whereabouts
It turns out former Representative Mark Foley had Internet sex with a boy during the 2003 House vote on emergency funding for the Iraq war. So if more members of Congress were pedophiles, we wouldn't be in this mess.

Bush on Dems
President Bush is blasting the Democrats saying they're soft on terror. That's opposed to Republicans, who stay hard for terrorism... and their pages.

Top 5 Ways to Cover the Fact You're a Gay Republican Congressman

5) Get the oil lobbyists to pay all your text messaging bills

4) Just keep voting to ban gay marriage; NO ONE will suspect you then

3) Call Homeland Security and ask for, "one of them orange alerts"

2) Avoid suspicion by blaming another current problem on Bill Clinton

1) Every time you want to go off to a gay bar, just say you're going hunting with Dick Cheney

Rice On North Korea
Responding to North Korea's decision to conduct a nuclear weapons test, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said such a test would be "a very provocative act"... not as much as proving she lied about meeting with CIA Director George Tenet, but provocative just the same.

Irish Gay Marriage
A lesbian couple living in Ireland has begun a landmark court case to have their marriage recognized there. Of course they could save a lot of time and money and just buy the judges a rounds at the pub.

Baby Disco
A new popular event touring the country is Baby Loves Disco, where parents bring their young children to nightclubs where they can dance. The concept was created by R. Kelly.

O'Reilly "Error"
During Tuesday's broadcast of the "O'Reilly Factor," former Representative Mark Foley mistakenly labeled a Democrat 3 times. The show routinely does the same thing with Osama bin Laden.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Foley's Record
Ex-Representative Mark Foley, who resigned last week over a series of sexually suggestive e-mails sent to a teenage page, had been known in Congress for his work against Internet sexual predators. Apparently, he was trying to cut down on the competition.

Republican Worries
Republicans are concerned that Bob Woodward's book and the Mark Foley scandal will make voters think that Republicans are hiding the truth... when in fact, the GOP is simply distorting the truth.

Bush on Dems
President Bush is touring the country insisting that the Democrats can't be trusted to control Congress. That's true; they don't even know who the hottest pages are to date!

Clooney's Plan
George Clooney says he will get back at the paparazzi by spending "every single night for three months going out with a different famous actress." Oh the sacrifices some people are willing to make!

Clooney's Plan II
George Clooney says he will get back at the paparazzi by spending "every single night for three months going out with a different famous actress." But that will only work if the actresses he goes out with are Roseanne Barr, Kathy Bates and Bea Arthur.

Cocaine Drink
New York City Council members are disturbed about a new energy drink called "Cocaine," and want to keep it out of city schools. They don't want the product to be confused with the real thing.

Kid Fitness
According to new research, about a third of American teens fail treadmill tests measuring physical health... the other two-thirds can't spell "treadmill."

TV Research
According to new research, students who watch television on weekdays tend to do worse in school than those who don't. But the kids who do watch crime shows are usually more prepared for the weekly school shootings.

Williams' Voice
Robin Williams says a "little quiet voice" in his head pushed him back to drinking after 20 years of sobriety. It was the same voice that convinced him to do "Death to Smoochy."

Anna Nicole Paternity
Photographer Larry Birkhead has filed a petition in Los Angeles Superior Court, trying to prove he is the real father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby girl. Meanwhile the baby is calling her lawyers in a desperate attempt to prove her mother is not Anna Nicole Smith.

Foley Evidence
It turns out recently resigned Congressman Mark Foley sent dozens of inappropriate emails and instant messages to male teenage pages over the years. So I guess he voted against gay marriage just to cut down on the competition.

Foley Latest
Former Congressman Mark Foley has checked himself into an alcohol rehab program. Because, you know alcoholism is really his biggest problem right now.

GOP Denials
Republican Congressional leaders continue to strongly deny they knew anything about Foley's problems until last week. That's because the guy who was supposed to tell them about that is also in charge of informing them about how well the war is going in Iraq.

Top 5 Most Inappropriate Mark Foley Instant Messages

5) "Haley Joel Osment = SO last year"

4) "I wanna tack on a few amendments to YOUR bill if U know what I mean"

3) "Michael Jackson = SO misunderstood"

2) "Tell oil lobbyists: don't want money... just PlayStation games!"

1) "Meet me 4 dinner or I'm sending U 2 Iraq!"

Nobel Laureates
Two American doctors have just won the 2006 Nobel Prize for Medicine. So, as soon as they fill out all the insurance forms, they will get to share the $1.3 million in prize money.

New Scotus Docket
The U.S. Supreme Court began its new term today with a ruling against ex-Kiss guitarist Vinnie Vincent who lost an appeal in a dispute over royalties. Seven of the nine justices expressed disappointment that Vincent appeared before the court without his face paint.

Michael Arrested
George Michael was arrested in London after police found him slumped over in his car for the second time this year. Michael was apparently listening to his latest CD at the time.