Saturday, November 29, 2003

Thanksgiving Weekend Bonus Joke!

Geragos Threat
Michael Jackson's attorney Mark Geragos is threatening legal action against anyone who hurts the singer's reputation or makes him look bad in public. This means Geragos will have to sue every plastic surgeon in Southern California.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Kozlowski Apartment
Jurors in former Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski's trial saw a video of his apartment yesterday, despite his lawyers' arguments that it would make them prejudiced against their client because of his wealth. But after seeing pictures of his $6,000 shower curtain and $1,500 umbrella stand, the jurors are now prejudiced against Kozlowski because he's an IDIOT.

Olympic Flame
The Olympic Flame will pass through New York City on its way to the 2004 Summer Games in Athens next year. In a fitting gesture to the city's Olympic spirit, the torch will be carried by several local athletes, politicians, and will be used to light the grills of every Greek diner in Manhattan for a week.


Tuesday, November 25, 2003

KKK Shooting
A bullet fired in the air during a Ku Klux Klan initiation in Tennessee this weekend came down and hit the man being initiated in the skull. But the incident was apparently not accidental, as serious brain damage is a pre-requisite for admission to the KKK.

Medicare Bill
The US Senate has voted to overhaul the Medicare system, but it's already clear there are problems with the measure. It turns out when they heard the bill was appropriating $400 billion to the elderly and disabled, most senators thought they were just giving themselves another pay raise.

Monday, November 24, 2003

Jackson Defense
Michael Jackson's attorneys are preparing to defend the pop star from molestation charges. They plan to play the race card... as soon as they can figure what race he is exactly.

Counterfeit Smokes
The tobacco industry is being hit hard by millions of counterfeit cigarettes worldwide. To combat the problem, the cigarette companies are launching a new ad campaign with the following winning slogans:

-You're gonna die anyway... so who cares about going broke?

-Our cigarettes cost a little more... but they'll kill you faster!

-Every pack of ours you buy puts one more patent lawyer out of work!

-Every time you buy a counterfeit pack, you're stealing from a murderer... so watch out!

-Take a bite out of crime... give a real cigarette to a kid!

Friday, November 21, 2003

Pentagon Breakthrough
The top military brass at the Pentagon is celebrating today. While they haven't yet figured out how to get U.S. troops out of Iraq, they have come up with the way to get the U.S. news media out of Iraq - indict Michael Jackson.

Sacramento Breakthrough
Members of the new Schwarzenegger administration are celebrating today as they have finally figured out the way to increase revenue and encourage thousands of people to come back to California at the same time - indict Michael Jackson.

Music Industry Breakthrough
Top record company executives are celebrating this morning as they have finally figured out the way to make sure more music comes on the market that teens won't try to download illegally - DON'T indict Michael Jackson.

Rivalry Saturday
College football's oldest and most bitter rivalry games will be played tomorrow. Each game has a special nickname:

-Harvard-Yale: THE GAME

-Ohio State-Michigan: The On-Parole Bowl

-Cal-Stanford: The Liberal Bowl

-Alabama-Auburn: The Outhouse Bowl

-Princeton-Dartmouth: Meeting of the Aryan Nations

Thursday, November 20, 2003

NEWSDAY ALERT!!!! I'm back in Newsday in the "Punchlines" column today! Here's the link: Newsday

Monica's Men
Monica Lewinsky says her infamous White House liaison is a major liability on the dating scene, leaving her without any serious
boyfriends. Relationship experts agree her past is the problem, not because of the thing with President Clinton, but because of the fact that it looks like she was still eating about 10 Twinkies a day as recently as last week.

CBS Pulls Jackson
In light of the new child molestation charges against Michael Jackson, CBS is canceling next week's TV special featuring his music. But the network says it's filling the spot with a special honoring the music of Jackson's closest peer in the business - R. Kelly.

Hinckley Request
John Hinckley, the man who shot President Reagan, has asked a federal court to let him leave a Washington mental hospital for unescorted visits with his parents. But forensic psychiatrists say Hinckley is still obviously disturbed and delusional, mostly because he still thinks Jodie Foster likes men.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

Michael Jackson Arrest Warrant
Police are executing an arrest warrant for Michael Jackson, and the pop singer is openly questioning the timing of the investigation as he just released his new album. But people who have already heard the album say the timing is exactly right especially since the charges in the warrant are for "indecent exposure" and "disturbing the peace."

US Naval Visit
The American frigate, USS Vandergrift, is docking in Ho Chi Minh City today, marking a new chapter in relations between Vietnam and the United States. U.S. sailors on the trip are hoping to end decades of fear and suspicion by personally assuring the Vietnamese people that Oliver Stone's career is really over and he'll never be coming back.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Gay Marriage Decision
The Massachusetts Supreme Court's decision to strike down the state's ban on gay marriages is prompting more Americans to explain their definition of marriage. The following groups have released the following statements:

-U.S. Congress defines marriage as: Between a man, his wife, a mistress, 2-3 interns and the occasional page

-Catholic Church defines marriage as: Between a Priest, God, and 2-3 alter boys

-Protestant Church defines marriage as: Between a Pastor, his wife, and that married lady the Pastor is always "counseling"

-Jewish Rabbinic Courts define marriage as: Between a Man, his wife, and that man's mother who keeps dropping in uninvited "just to see if everyone's eating enough"

-The NBA defines marriage as: Between a Man, his wife, hotel groupies who show up after road games, a Laker girl, and all of the Knicks City Dancers

-Dennis Kozlowski defines marriage as: Between a Man, his wife, and a secretary who's really good at helping that man raid his company's pension fund

-Liza Minnelli defines marriage as: Between a freakish-looking woman, a freakish-looking gay man, the local liquor distributor, and the on-call emergency room physician

-J. Lo and Ben define marriage as: Between a mediocre actor, a mediocre actress, and their 15 publicists who can successfully keep the media waiting on a wedding ceremony that never really takes place

Kovic vs. Bush
Disabled Vietnam Vet Ron Kovic is protesting Britain's decision to allow President Bush to visit the country this week, calling it "the worst invitation ever made." Experts say Kovic especially should know better than to say something like that, since everyone knows the really worst invitation ever made was when Hollywood let Tom Cruise play him in "Born on the Fourth of July."

Early Admissions
Reversing a decades-long trend, early decision applications are down this year at both Harvard and Yale. Deans at the schools say the decline shows students are being more thoughtful about the admissions process... and that's the nice way of saying more kids are finally realizing they don't have a chance in Hell to get into Harvard and Princeton.

Schwarzenegger Inaugural
The nation is waiting anxiously to hear what California Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger has to say when he gives his inaugural address. But Schwarzenegger says he'll skip making a speech because he always hates it when people talk during the opening credits.

Bridge Champs
The U.S. national bridge team won a stunning victory over Italy Sunday at the World Bridge Championships. The elated champs had to rush out immediately after the game because they wanted to celebrate their victory at Denny's early-bird special.

Madonna vs. Time Warner
Madonna and Time Warner are locked in a heated dispute over her latest album and the stock options the company is using to pay her. As of now, neither side can tell what's more worthless, her music or their stock.

Raiders THG
Four members of the Oakland Raiders have reportedly tested positive for the steroid known as THG. The NFL says it's considering penalizing the team, but how can you effectively punish a squad that's already lost to the New York Jets?

Friday, November 14, 2003

Serial Bride
A Bronx woman pleaded guilty this week to illegally marrying 25 immigrant men to help them get New York City work papers. The woman says she didn't do it for love or money, she just wanted to make sure she'd never have trouble getting a cab ever again.

Letterman Ratings
Ratings for the Late Show with David Letterman have markedly improved since the birth of his son, narrowing the gap between his show and the Tonight Show. Not wanting to be left out of the ratings trend, Nightline anchor Ted Koppel has announced he plans to knock up at least three women a week until the end of sweeps.

Apocalypse Mini-Series
NBC is developing a mini-series based on the end of the world as foretold in the Book of Revelations. Conservative Republicans are already threatening to boycott the program unless it blames it all on the Democrats.

Thursday, November 13, 2003

NEWSDAY ALERT!!!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. See this link: Newsday Link

Hilton Tape
Despite threats of legal action by her parents, the Paris Hilton sex tape is now available on the World Wide Web. But there already is a place where you can watch rich and spoiled people doing lewd and disgusting things on camera all day... it's called C-Span.

CNN Apology
CNN producers are apologizing for an inane question they encouraged a young college student to ask at last week's "Rock the Vote" Democratic presidential debate. But there's no word on whether they'll apologize for all the stupid questions Paula Zahn asks on her show every night.

Protected Animals
It turns out that several protected, rare birds in Germany have been feeding on a species of protected, rare fish. In response to this dilemma, exasperated German officials have decided to do the only thing that makes sense in this kind of a situation - kill all the environmentalists.

Playboy Does Wal-Mart released its "Women of Wal-Mart" feature this week. One of the feature's models called it a "once in a lifetime opportunity to pose for a magazine known for showcasing women, with beautiful hair, hard bodies, and most of their teeth."

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

Senate Debate
The U.S. Senate will start 30-hours of uninterrupted debate in a special session beginning tonight. Republicans will use the time to bash Democrats for not confirming four of President Bush's judicial nominees. Democrats say they're more than willing to let them whine about four guys not getting a job as long as they can take the next 12 months to complain about the 3 million other jobs the Bush administration has lost since 2001.

Senate Debate II
-Top activities that will dominate the 30-hour session:

-Special debate, "Interns vs. Lobbyists: Who Sucks Up More?"

-Complete reading of Strom Thurmond's last essay: "How to Pick up Girls over 80"

-Senate chamber scavenger hunt for all of Ted Kennedy's hidden booze

-Strategy session on how to blame the whole Iraq debacle on that idiot Cubs fan who tipped the foul ball

-"Singing Senators" perform Rolling Stones' Let it Bleed, (side 1)

Senate Debate III
Because of the length of the debate, staffers are preparing to set up cots in the Senate chamber. But that probably won't be necessary, because most Capitol Hill hookers are willing to service the Senators right at their desks.

Bush UK Visit
President Bush's planned visit to Britain next week is stirring up controversy. Iraq war protestors are calling him "the most unwelcome guest this country has ever received." But experts say those comments are outrageous because everyone knows the most unwelcome guest in England is the dentist.

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

Octopus Discovery
Scientists have discovered that the octopus has erectile tissue that elongates and gets hard during the mating process... a first for non-vertebrate animals. Previously, the only other creature without a backbone known to get frequent hard-ons was Bill Clinton.

"Queer Eye" Parody
Comedy Central is planning to spoof "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" with a new show where gay men will be instructed how to pass for straight. Of course, there already is place where gay men are taught to pretend they're straight everyday... it's called the Catholic Church.

Monday, November 10, 2003

Bloomberg Trip
New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is bringing his mom with him on a trip to Israel later this month. She'll be the key to a major prisoner exchange; the Israelis will get their captured soldiers released, and Islamic radicals will finally get a chance to learn from a Jewish mother about how to REALLY terrorize Jewish men.

Child Found
The frantic search for the Manhattan child who police thought was abducted ended this afternoon when it turned out she was in class all day. Judging by the state of city schools, experts say she would have been better off with a kidnapper.

Beauty Contest Prize
Miss Afghanistan, Vida Samadzai, did not win the "Miss Earth" contest this weekend. But after donning a bikini in the swimsuit competition, she did win a prize after being named "most likely to be killed by terrorists."

Friday, November 07, 2003

New Movie Trend
The new Eddie Murphy movie "Haunted Mansion," just like "Pirates of the Caribbean," is the latest Hollywood film based on an amusement park ride. The first one was "Gigli" which was obviously based on the Six Flags ride "Free Fall."

This is the month of Ramadan, when Muslims fast all day and only eat at night. It's truly a unique period for the whole world because it's the only time of year when Arabs go hungry and nobody blames Israel.

Anthrax Scare
After several pieces of mail tested positive for Anthrax spores, all work has been ordered to stop at eleven Washington, DC post offices. But customers at those post offices haven't been able to tell the difference.

Thursday, November 06, 2003


I'm back in the "Punchlines" section of today's Newsday! See the link: Newsday

Dean Comment
Political experts say the only way Democratic Presidential candidate Howard Dean can actually win over the "guys with Confederate flags on their pickup trucks" is by choosing a Southerner as a running mate... but only if that Southerner is Yosemite Sam.

Microsoft Bounty
Microsoft is setting up a hotline where people can report the names of people who cripple servers by spreading computer viruses and other corrupted programs. And that means most computer users will be calling in to rat out Bill Gates.

Bad TV Season
The major TV networks are having one of the worst fall seasons ever because they can't get 18 to 24 year olds to watch new shows filled with sex and violence. Experts say it's because most 18 to 24 year olds are too busy beating each other up and having sex.

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

"Reagans" Canceled
Conservative groups have successfully pressured CBS into killing it's planned miniseries "The Reagans," so now Republicans are now trying to get another long-running series that angers and embarrasses them taken off the air. It's called "News from Iraq."

GOP Victories
The good news for Republican candidates after yesterday's elections is now they have control of the governor's mansions in Kentucky and Mississippi. The bad news is that for the next four years, they'll have to live in Kentucky and Mississippi.

Mississippi Concession
After losing the election, Mississippi's incumbent Governor Ronnie Musgrove made a conciliatory concession speech. Most impressive was Musgrove's offer to have the Governor's Mansion "all cleaned and gassed up" at least two weeks before Governor-Elect Haley Barbour moves into the Executive Trailer Park.

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Average Joe
NBC has launched a new reality show where a group of not-so-good-looking guys work hard just to gain the attention of a beautiful woman. Actually, there already is a place where unattractive guys work hard just to get beautiful women to like them... it's called law school.

Rock the Vote
MTV and CNN are co-hosting a Democratic presidential debate tonight for college-age voters. But experts say college students are the worst voters because they are highly mobile, new to their communities, and learning how to vote is not something they need to know for the midterm.

Monday, November 03, 2003

New York City Marathon
35,000 runners participated in the amazing spectacle that is the New York City Marathon yesterday. Of course the most amazing thing about it is that it's the only time you'll ever see anybody get to Midtown Manhattan from Staten Island in under 5 hours.

Neustadt Dies
Richard Neustadt, the father of modern American political science, died yesterday at 84. Neustadt will be best remembered for the huge impact he made on this country by providing generations of college students with an easy major.