Gay Marriage Decision
The Massachusetts Supreme Court's decision to strike down the state's ban on gay marriages is prompting more Americans to explain their definition of marriage. The following groups have released the following statements:

-U.S. Congress defines marriage as: Between a man, his wife, a mistress, 2-3 interns and the occasional page

-Catholic Church defines marriage as: Between a Priest, God, and 2-3 alter boys

-Protestant Church defines marriage as: Between a Pastor, his wife, and that married lady the Pastor is always "counseling"

-Jewish Rabbinic Courts define marriage as: Between a Man, his wife, and that man's mother who keeps dropping in uninvited "just to see if everyone's eating enough"

-The NBA defines marriage as: Between a Man, his wife, hotel groupies who show up after road games, a Laker girl, and all of the Knicks City Dancers

-Dennis Kozlowski defines marriage as: Between a Man, his wife, and a secretary who's really good at helping that man raid his company's pension fund

-Liza Minnelli defines marriage as: Between a freakish-looking woman, a freakish-looking gay man, the local liquor distributor, and the on-call emergency room physician

-J. Lo and Ben define marriage as: Between a mediocre actor, a mediocre actress, and their 15 publicists who can successfully keep the media waiting on a wedding ceremony that never really takes place


Kovic vs. Bush
Disabled Vietnam Vet Ron Kovic is protesting Britain's decision to allow President Bush to visit the country this week, calling it "the worst invitation ever made." Experts say Kovic especially should know better than to say something like that, since everyone knows the really worst invitation ever made was when Hollywood let Tom Cruise play him in "Born on the Fourth of July."


Early Admissions
Reversing a decades-long trend, early decision applications are down this year at both Harvard and Yale. Deans at the schools say the decline shows students are being more thoughtful about the admissions process... and that's the nice way of saying more kids are finally realizing they don't have a chance in Hell to get into Harvard and Princeton.