NEWSDAY ALERT!!!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. See this link: Newsday Link


Hilton Tape
Despite threats of legal action by her parents, the Paris Hilton sex tape is now available on the World Wide Web. But there already is a place where you can watch rich and spoiled people doing lewd and disgusting things on camera all day... it's called C-Span.


CNN Apology
CNN producers are apologizing for an inane question they encouraged a young college student to ask at last week's "Rock the Vote" Democratic presidential debate. But there's no word on whether they'll apologize for all the stupid questions Paula Zahn asks on her show every night.


Protected Animals
It turns out that several protected, rare birds in Germany have been feeding on a species of protected, rare fish. In response to this dilemma, exasperated German officials have decided to do the only thing that makes sense in this kind of a situation - kill all the environmentalists.


Playboy Does Wal-Mart
Playboy.com released its "Women of Wal-Mart" feature this week. One of the feature's models called it a "once in a lifetime opportunity to pose for a magazine known for showcasing women, with beautiful hair, hard bodies, and most of their teeth."