Monday, December 31, 2007

New Year's Eve
Thousands of people will jam New York's Times Square tonight to ring in 2008... and wait to use the only clean public bathroom in Manhattan.

Kenya Riots
Rioters and arsonists are running wild in Kenya after yesterday's disputed elections. If only Americans started acting like this, maybe the 2008 presidential candidates would leave us alone.

The U.S. government is questioning Kenya's elections results. We just can't figure out how they could have an election without millions of dollars in shady campaign donations and 85 meaningless debates on CNN.

Paris and Nicky
Paris and Nicky Hilton will be paid $500,000 to appaer at the LAX club in Las Vegas tonight. A small price to pay to guarantee a decent New Year's Eve for everyone in America who won't be anywhere near the LAX club tonight.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Pakistan Chaos
Pakistan is thrust into chaos in the wake of Benazir Bhutto's assassination. We don't see this kind of mayhem in America, except when someone tries to cut the returned gifts line at the mall.

Officials at the U.S. State Department are trying to bring calm to Pakistan... but so far all they can offer is the Patriots-Giants game on free TV.

Priests Fight on Christmas
Greek Orthodox and Armenian priests attacked each other inside the Church of the Nativity during regular holiday cleaning on Thursday. In the true Christmas spirit, they were simply fighting over who got the last Wii.

Hello Kitty for Boys
"Hello Kitty" is now marketing its clothing to boys. This is because Hello Kitty's parent company also has a huge investment in bandages and painkillers for boys who get badly hurt in schoolyard beatings.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Bhutto Killed
Former Pakistani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto has been assassinated. Citigroup is using the news as an excuse to announce another $20 billion in mortgage related writedowns.

Bhutto Reaction
The White House is expressing its deepest regret over the assassination of Pakistani opposition leader and former Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto... especially since millions of Americans may now stay home to watch the news instead of getting to the mall and using those gift cards right away.

Bhutto Reaction II
Bhutto's assassination is raising terror alert levels worldwide, sending stock markets lower, and increasing the wait time for a cab in Midtown Manhattan by 10-15 minutes.

Top 5 Suspects in the Bhutto Assassination

5) American mall/campus shooter with bad sense of direction

4) Disgruntled car service driver

3) Bhutto's former Harvard suitemates

2) Sole-surviving, and yet still disgruntled, Muslim hairdresser

1) Jimmy Hoffa

eHarmony Deal
The online dating site is offering free logins for the next week... because when it comes to dating, we all make our best decisions around Christmas and New Year's Eve.

Abbas Demand
Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas is demanding Israelis stop building more settlements on the West Bank... mostly because real estate prices are depressed enough without all that new construction.

Mall Killer History
The teen gunman who fatally shot eight people in a mall in Omaha earlier this month tried to kill himself by swallowing about 30 pills nearly two years earlier. This is why parents should encourage their kids' hobbies at the youngest possible age.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Zoo Attack
A tiger escaped from its pen at the San Francisco Zoo Tuesday, killing one man and injuring two others before police shot it dead. Zookeepers say the tiger was enraged after not getting the day off for Christmas.

Ancient Mummy
Scientists in Egypt believe a mummy they're working on is most likely the female pharaoh Queen Hatshepsut, who ruled for 20 years 3,500 years ago. But they are already 100% sure the body is that of some powerful female politician, because it was found wrapped in a pantsuit.

New Investigation
Roger Clemens' attorney says his firm is launching its own investigation into allegations the seven-time Cy Young winner used steroids. He will desperately be searching for anyone in America who doesn't think Clemens took steroids.

Weak Shopping Numbers
Initial reports show that shopping figures for this Christmas season were weaker than expected as more Americans spent their holidays on selfish pursuits, like being with their families and giving to charity.

Hitler Comment
Will Smith is angrily denying he ever told a tabloid reporter that Hitler was a "good person." But Mel Gibson is still planning on casting Smith in his next 12 movies.

Call Center Woes
Studies show an ever-growing number of female call center employees in India are suffering from more cases of sleep disorders, heart disease, and schizophrenia as they continue to try to pretend they have Southern accents and their name is "Annabelle."

Illegal Immigration Down
Reports show that illegal immigration to the U.S. is down 33% over the last three months as potential Mexican workers are facing reduced home construction, tougher border patrols, and too many reality shows on TV of the writers' strike.

Illegal Immigration Down
Reports show that illegal immigration to the U.S. is down 33% over the last three months. Lou Dobbs is declaring victory and is now taking on global warming.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Mars Asteroid
Scientists believe a huge asteroid could hit Mars on January 30. The news is badly hurting the already depressed Martian subprime real estate market.

Midwest Storms
The Midwest is still digging out after a series of winter storms battered the region over the weekend. To give local residents some needed relief, officials are plowing streets, setting up heating centers, and canceling next months Iowa caucauses.

Bush Calls Troops
President Bush continued his annual tradition today of making special holiday phone calls to U.S. troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. Democrats in Congress did the same, but they called collect.

Kentucky Teeth
A new report shows that only half the population in Kentucky has dental insurance. But local officials are playing down the significance of that story, since you really don't need all your teeth to eat roadkill.

L.A. Killings Fall
The murder rate in Los Angeles has hit a 40-year low... even the city's best killers are stuck on the freeway.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Chrysler's Woes
Chrysler CEO Bob Nardelli says the company is now "operationally bankrupt." That makes things tough for Nardelli, who is really only qualified to lead a company that is morally bankrupt.

Kobe to NY?
Lakers star Kobe Bryant is once again hinting that he would like to be traded to New York. The deal might finally happen this time now that the Knicks can offer 2 sexual harassers and a date rapist to be named later.

More Shows Coming Back
Despite the continuing writers strike, both "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report" will return with new shows in January. It suddenly dawned on the shows' producers that you don't really need writers to make fun of politicians.

Clemens Denials
Roger Clemens is repeating his denials of steroids use and plans to be interviewed for a future episode of "60 Minutes"... just as soon as he can find a comfortable enough chair for his pin cushion ass to use for an entire interview.

School Funding
Most U.S. states are significantly boosting kindergarten funding. They'd spend more money on the older schoolkids too, but bulletproof vests are really expensive.

Super Small Bible
Israeli scientists have inscribed the entire Hebrew text of the Jewish Bible onto a space less than half the size of grain of sugar. Such a small object should be a huge challenge for the Palestinian terrorists who will inevitably try to blow it up.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Birth Rate Up
The fertility rate among Americans has climbed to its highest level since 1971... thanks mostly Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears.

IRS Delay
Because Congress waited until last night to pass an Alternative Minimum Tax patch, the IRS won't be able to start processing returns until February. To make up for that, most tax agents plan to spend all of January taking candy from babies.

Family Rescued
A father and his three children who spent three days stuck in the snowy California woods, have all been rescued. Apparently, they thought they were waiting in line for one of those "door buster" sales.

Rudy in Hospital
Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani spent last night at a St. Louis hospital with flu-like symptoms. Like everyone else Giuliani spends the night with, all the hospital's doctors and nurses will get free limo service every time they visit New York.

Crazy Candidate
Former Democratic Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney, who slugged a police officer last year, is running for president. And she's already chosen a running mate: Philadelphia anchorwoman Alycia Lane.

No Wise Men?
The Archbishop of Canterbury is dismissing the Christmas story of the Three Wise Men as nothing but "legend." But it's not clear if he said that on theological grounds or just because he hates going to all those damn annoying Christmas pageants.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Putin Named
Vladimir Putin has been named Time Magazine's "Person of the Year"... actually that was a typo, it was supposed to be "Poisoner of the Year."

No Bear Bonus
After a terrible year for the brokerage firm, Bear Stearns CEO James Cayne says he will not take a cash bonus this year. This would be a huge story if Cayne hadn't been stoned when he said that.

No Bear Bonus II
After a terrible year for the brokerage firm, Bear Stearns CEO James Cayne is forgoing a cash bonus this year. He is, however, asking for $30 million worth of bongs and rolling papers.

Another Spears Baby
Britney Spear's 16-year-old sister Jamie Lynn is pregnant. Child welfare officials in all 50-states have been alerted and are already on-call.

Hillary Surges
Elderly support has surged for Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire, giving her a bigger lead over Barack Obama in the polls. Apparently this is because Oprah comes on during nap time at most of the state's nursing and retirement homes.

China Buys into Morgan
China is investing $5 billion in Morgan Stanley. After making a fortune manufacturing posionous toys, it looks like the Chinese are now interested in toxic investments.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Christmas Without Power?
Due to the weekend ice storms, much of Midwest could remain without power through Christmas. But the utility companies are reminding customers that they can get heat and holiday lights at the same time if they simply set their Christmas trees on fire.

New Mortgage Rules
The Federal Reserve is introducing new mortgage protections for homeowners by barring abusive lending and making mortgage rules easier to understand. Sadly, there are still no protections for buyers who end up with homes that are haunted.

Strike Breaking?
Despite the writers strike, NBC says "The Tonight Show" and "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" will return with new programs on January 2nd. The shows will simply not use any comedy writers, kind of like what "Saturday Night Live" has been doing for 15 years.

Goldman Bonuses
After a super-profitable year, Goldman Sachs is giving its employees an average bonus of $2 million this Christmas. Of course, if those employees were really smart, they'd demand those bonuses in euros.

Saudi Poll
A new poll shows that most Saudis oppose terrorism and actually want to strengthen ties to the U.S. But those numbers are likely to change when they find out that in America we punish rapists not rape victims.

Bank Giveaway
A North Dakota bank is giving its full-time employees $1,000 each that they must give to a worthy cause and document the good deed with a video camera.... which is too bad because the hooker I intend to give that money doesn't like to be videotaped.

Monday, December 17, 2007

New Baby
Actress Helena Bonham Carter and director Tim Burton have had a baby girl. The couple was reportedly disappointed the child didn't look demonic or spooky in any way.

Lieberman Backs McCain
Senator Joe Lieberman is endorsing John McCain for president. It's a brilliant move because making this decision now will give Lieberman more exposure in a few weeks when McCain drops out of the race.

Abdullah the Merciful
Saudi King Abdullah has pardoned a rape victim who was set to receive 200 lashes and six months in prison. And in a related story, the seven men who raped her have all been given jobs setting oil prices.

Trade Deficit Shrinks
The U.S. trade deficit declined during the third quarter to the lowest level in two years. A few more lead paint recalls and our economy could really start turning a corner!

Paulson to the Rescue?
Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson will visit homeowners threatened by the mortgage mess in Orlando, Florida today. After having to listen to Paulson talk for about 10 minutes, those homeowners will realize there are many worse things in life than foreclosure.

Palestinian Request
Palestinian leaders are asking the European Union for $5.6 billion over the next three years. It'll be a tough sell, since the Palestinians didn't kill as many Jews as the E.U. asked for over the last three years.