Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Welfare at the Nudie Bar
It turns out California's welfare debit cards were usable at dozens of strip club ATM's across the state. So THAT's what they mean by "Stimulus!"

Gore Case Reopened
After four years, police in Portland, Oregon are now reopening the sex assault investigation against Al Gore. They just wanted to wait until the local jail had a cell with recycled toilet paper.

LeBron Bidding
The bidding for NBA superstar free agent LeBron James began at midnight. James is reportedly holding out for the same $750 million deal Elin Nordegren is getting from Tiger Woods.

Immigration Speech
The White House says President Obama will deliver a "major speech" on immigration today... but unless it's a preview of the World Cup quarterfinals, the target audience isn't expected to be listening.

Passport Fee Hike
The fee to get a U.S. passport is increasing from $100 to $135... those full-body pat downs at the customs check are apparently worth it.

July 1st

1933: The Canadian Parliament suspends all Chinese immigration, disappointing the three Chinese people who had been thinking about playing hockey.

1960: Ghana declares its independence and becomes a republic mostly dedicated to embarrassing the U.S. in soccer.

1987: American radio station WFAN in New York City is launched as the world's first all-sports radio station. All married men across the New York area cease even pretending to listen to their wives from that day forward.

King Quitting
Larry King is ending his nightly show on CNN this fall. With King not leaving the house as often, Depends adult diapers are expected to go out of business.

Kagan Grilled
Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan is taking heat from several Senators for not allowing U.S. military recruiters on the Harvard campus. But in her defense, it's important to note that most Harvard students are only interested in being recruited by al Qaeda.

Verizon iPhone?
Apple will offer an iPhone and iPad with Verizon service this January. This would be big news in the Apple world, but everyone with AT&T iPhones and iPads don't know about it yet because they're still waiting to get connected to the internet.

Prison Spending Slash
Britain is hoping to cut government spending by halting $5.5 billion in new prison construction. To keep criminals off the streets, British cops will simply put bars around all their soccer stadiums during each match.

Charger Busted
Former San Diego Charger Kevin Ellison was arrested after being found with 100 vicodin tablets. Ellison is accused of trying to sell the pills to Charger fans after each of their last five heartbreaking playoff losses.

June 30th

1559: King Henry II of France is seriously injured in a jousting match against Gabriel de Montgomery. The injuries sting all the stronger when instant replay determines that de Montgomery should have been called offsides.

1805: The U.S. Congress organizes the Michigan Territory. It's organized into two sections: "Cold" and "Really Freaking Cold."

1990: West Germany and East Germany merge their economies. One part takes the lead in building cars and heavy machinery, the other dominates the growing business of collecting welfare.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Suburban Spies
The FBI has arrested 10 alleged Russian spies. The leaders of the ring were operating out of a house in Montclair, New Jersey, the best place to find out when the next sale is planned at Nordstrom.

Broke Countries Play
Spain plays Portugal in a World Cup round of 16 match today. At halftime, the players from both sides are expected to go into the stands and pan handle.

Airline Baggage Fees
U.S. airlines made $769 million in revenues from baggage fees in the first quarter of this year... and that's just the money they got from selling the bags they "lost."

Biden to the Gulf
Vice President Joe Biden is expected to visit the Gulf area today. The White House is sending the only thing slimier than the water new the BP rig.

Tesla Soars
The IPO for electric sports car maker Tesla Motors was a rousing success yesterday. Most of the stock was bought by Al Gore, who needs a faster green car to speed away from the scenes of his sexual assaults.

June 29th

1926: Arthur Meighen returns to office as Prime Minister of Canada. He had sgtepped out for lunch in 1923, and nobody noticed for three years.

1928: The Outerbridge Crossing and Goethals Bridge open in Staten Island. Some of the first cars on the bridge that day are still trying to get through the traffic.

1972: The Supreme Court rules the death penalty could constitute "cruel and unusual punishment"... especially if administered by Oakland Raiders fans.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Byrd Dead
Senator Robert Byrd has died at age 92. Considering his record for pork barrel legislation, 178 people will probably be hired and get lifetime pensions just to dig his grave.

California Fires
The number of wildfires in California is down sharply from last year. That's good news, because the California state legislature is still burning money.

Airline Food Warning
The FDA is now warning that airline food is a potential health threat... mostly because it tends to spoil after planes are stranded on the tarmac for 16 hours.

Obama Fails at G20
President Obama failed to convince the other G20 nations to keep up their government spending. He did, however, get them to pick up the check for the six bags of peanuts he took from the hotel minibar.

Stevens Leaving
Today is Justice John Paul Stevens' final day on the Supreme Court. He's stepping down now because there isn't anymore of the Constitution he can use for toilet paper.

June 28th

1519: Charles V is elected emperor of the Holy Roman Empire, beating out all the other candidates who had much more difficult Roman numerals after their names.

1635: Guadeloupe becomes a French colony. Bathing becomes illegal the following day.

1914: Franz Ferdinand, Archduke of Austria, is assassinated in Sarajevo setting off World War I and sending sales of Ferdinand's last two albums through the roof.

June 27th

1844: Joseph Smith, Jr., founder of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and his brother Hyrum Smith, are murdered by a mob at the Carthage, Illinois jail. That's what happens when you tell a bunch of other inmates that they can't drink coffee.

1898: The first solo circumnavigation of the globe is completed by Joshua Slocum from Briar Island, Nova Scotia. After that, he still can't find anyone who wants to spend time with him.

1950: The U.S. decides to send troops to fight in the Korean War. The decision pays off 22 years later with the premiere of M*A*S*H.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

June 26th

1284: The legendary Pied Piper leads 130 children out of Hamelin, Germany. What happened to those children is the main plot of a "very special" Brothers Grimm fairy tale.

1959: The Saint Lawrence Seaway opens, opening North America's Great Lakes to ocean-going ships and anyone who wants to get the Hell out of the Midwest.

2008: The Supreme Court rules that the Washington, D.C. handgun ban is unconstitutional. The ruling clears the way for record numbers of suicides by Redskins and Wizards fans the following day.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Fin Reg Bill Deal
Congressional Democrats have finally reached an agreement on the new financial regulatory bill. The big banks will now be required to put thousands of dollars into large sacks and then allow politicians and union thugs to hit them over the head with them.

Spill Costs
BP says its costs from the Gulf spill are now at $2.35 billion... $2.41 billion for premium.

Condoms for Kids
A Massachusetts school district is now allowing first graders to get free condoms. That's ridiculous, everyone knows its the kindergartens who are getting busy at nap time!

Skilling Wins
Thanks to a Supreme Court decision, former Enron chief Jeff Skilling will get his sentence reduced. A few more decisions like that, and he'll get his own show after Eliot Spitzer on CNN.

Welfare Casino
Since October 2009, California welfare recipients have used their welfare debit cards to withdraw $1.8 million from ATM's on casino gambling floors. The news is comforting to millions of Americans who were worried that people on welfare use the money just to buy drugs.

Welfare Casino II
Since October 2009, California welfare recipients have used their welfare debit cards to withdraw $1.8 million from ATM's on casino gambling floors. But the good news is that kids on the school lunch program are now eligible for the $9.99 all you can eat casino buffet

June 25th

1935: Diplomatic relations between the Soviet Union and Colombia are established. They manage to talk about soccer for a few minutes and then things just get awkward.

1678: Elena Cornaro Piscopia becomes the first woman awarded a Ph.D. She is then burned at the stake as a witch.

2009: Pop icon Michael Jackson dies at age 50. His original nose, cheeks, and skin are still alive and living in Encino.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

GM Request
GM is asking banks to give more loans to its potential customers... and it's also asking the banks to help it find some potential customers.

G20 Summit
The G20 Summit gets underway in Toronto this weekend. The world leaders are hoping to hammer out a complicated economic agreement, as long as they only have to talk about it during halftime of the World Cup games they'll all be watching.

Gore Accused
A Portland woman accuses Al Gore of sexually attacking her in 2006. She reportedly has evidence, including a ripped pair of pants and a green condom.

Homebuyer Credit Fraud
It turns out 1,300 people who applied to get the new homebuyer tax credit were actually prison inmates. What's the average price of a 5 x 5, one-toilet home?

Cigarette Costs
A new tax is pushing the price of cigarettes in New York City to over $11 per pack. It's getting so expensive, some smoker on the street tried to charge me for inhaling his second-hand smoke.

June 24th

1922: The American Professional Football Association formally changes its name to the National Football League... mostly in hopes of getting out of all of its paternity suit cases.

1957: In Roth v. United States, the U.S. Supreme Court rules that obscenity is not protected by the First Amendment... but it sure is fun!

2004: In New York state, capital punishment is declared unconstitutional... except for people who double park in Times Square.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

New iPhone Reviews
The new Apple iPhone4 is getting universally good reviews. The best part of the phone is it gets the geeks out of your office while they wait on line for five days to buy it.

McChrystal in Trouble
President Obama may fire General Stanley McChrystal for making controversial comments to a reporter for Rolling Stone magazine. The entire decision depends on whether the White House can find anyone who still reads Rolling Stone.

Housing Predictions
A new survey of economists shows that 56% of economists surveyed now say housing prices will fall this year... the other 44% live in Manhattan.

Britain Budget Cuts
Britain's government has unveiled massive new budget cuts. Government workers will be fired, school spending will be slashed, and Fergie has to switch from Crystal to Schlitz.

Global Warming Survey
A new survey shows that 97% of scientists believe in man-made climate change. The other 3% know that being politically correct still won't get them a date.

June 23rd

1611: The mutinous crew of Henry Hudson's fourth voyage sets Henry, his son and seven loyal crew members adrift in an open boat in what is now Hudson Bay; they are never heard from again and presumed killed by the hair gel and fumes coming off Staten Island.

1794: Empress Catherine II of Russia grants Jews permission to settle in Kiev. Sure, everyone in Kiev still hated Jews, but there's only so long you can wait to have a decent bagel.

1989: The Supreme Court rules that a law banning all sexually oriented phone message services is unconstitutional... thus allowing Members of Congress to resume calling their interns.

Monday, June 21, 2010

June 22nd

1783: A poisonous cloud from Laki volcanic eruption in Iceland reaches Le Havre in France, finally giving the city a respite from its powerful b.o.

1906: The Flag of Sweden is adopted... by a creepy 54-year-old pedophile from Belgium.

1969: Cleveland's Cuyahoga River catches fire, giving city residents a convenient new place to burn their Indians season tickets.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Chinese Currency Move
China has agreed to trade its currency fairly... which is why the Chicken fried rice at my local restaurant now costs $17,000.

Medicare Cuts
As of Friday, doctors are getting paid 21% less for treating Medicare patients... which is explains why most doctors offices are now blasting thrash rock in their waiting rooms.

Krugman's Warning
Liberal economist Paul Krugman is warning that if the government doesn't keep spending stimulus money, we risk creating a new permanent underclass in America... mostly made up of discredited liberal economists.

Van der Sloot Recants
Joran van der Sloot now says he was "tricked" into confessing to the murder of a Peruvian girl. Apparently, he was willing to tell the police anything when they promised to turn off all the prison TV's showing Nancy Grace.

Madoff Boast
The good news for Bernie Madoff's victims is the scammer now says he still has $9 billion worth of their money. The bad news is he put all that money into BP stock.

June 21st

1915: The Supreme Court strikes down an Oklahoma law that denies the right to vote to some citizens. The justices decision rightly denies the vote to everyone in Oklahoma.

1982: John Hinckley is found not guilty for the attempted assassination of President Ronald Reagan. The jury rightly convicts the New York Times instead.

2001: A federal grand jury in Alexandria, Virginia, indicts 13 Saudis and a Lebanese in the 1996 bombing of the Khobar Towers that killed 19 American servicemen. And since NO anti-American acts of terrorism have occurred since, this is a shining example of how the best way to fight terrorism is with our federal court system. Oh, wait...